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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared to separate

12 replies

Dad2017 · 03/08/2022 17:01

I'm the husband so please be kind. We have been in a sexless relationship I would say for about 10 years (2-3 times a year)

We have 2 kids together who are amazing and I can't imagine being without them.

Me and my partner are pretty much in a non affectionate relationship. We don't cuddle, kiss or anything. We barely spend any time together unless it's with the kids. We don't talk much either.

I got to a point where I don't talk to her about anything as per my previous thread I have tried to talk about feelings but she is so defensive it turns into an argument. We have a few moments where we can have a laugh but it's very short lived. She stresses about everything and I mean everything. I keep taking any responsibility I can to help so I do all the cooking, most of the cleaning and pay as much as possible towards bills, kids etc but she still seems so unhappy.

I have grown so much over the last 4 years, promoted massively in my job, do so much around the house etc for her to say she doesn't look forward to anything.

I'm not doing this for sex, it's because I want her to be happy but it doesn't seem to work but if im honest I've fallen our of love with her. She can be very controlling and if I do something new she always seems to find a negative. I'm at the end of my tether and honestly feel like I want to separate but terrified to do so because of kids and hurting her.

Would like to hear what others experienced in the same situation as I've had enough and don't know what to do. I'm definitely a coward as avoiding talking in fear of upsetting her and loosing our lovely home

OP posts:
MaxOverTheMoon · 03/08/2022 17:07

Have you tried counselling? I think you should try couple's counselling first, you have dc and upending their world without trying that I don't think is fair.

Neither of you sound happy, she wouldn't be stressy and anxious if she was, but it's her responsibility to make herself happy not yours and that should come up in counselling.

Original poster
Dad2017 · 03/08/2022 17:16

Hi @MaxOverTheMoon I have suggested this before but she said there is no reason. She is happy with how things are between us but stressed with kids even though we go through the same stresses

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 03/08/2022 17:19

Have you booked the counselling sessions yet?

I'm definitely a coward as avoiding talking in fear of upsetting her and loosing our lovely home

If you're not brave enough to talk to her and pick up the phone to a counsellor then upsetting her (and yourself and your kids) and losing your lovely home is more or less a given.

GreenManalishi · 03/08/2022 17:20

Talk to her and tell her there is a really good reason. Explain why. Find a local counsellor, arrange childcare, and book six sessions, give her the dates for her diary.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2022 17:22

You should have ended the marriage years ago. You've wasted so much precious time. You can still have a wonderful relationship with your kids, and they will be better off not living in that miserable atmosphere.

KangarooKenny · 03/08/2022 17:23

I’m in a sexless relationship now. No kisses, cuddles etc. we are basically two people living together, but comfortable with it. TBH I wish he’d go and let me buy him out of the house. Perhaps she feels the same.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2022 17:25

I’d be more scared to live in such an unhappy loveless marriage forever. Life is short. Don’t waste yours like this.

Original poster
Dad2017 · 03/08/2022 17:32

I really wish I had the courage. Feel like such a coward. She is an amazing mother and can't take that away but we have nothing in common. Wish I was stronger 😢

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2022 17:33

You're just making excuses. She's not happy and you're not happy. You're not doing her any favours by staying.

Original poster
Dad2017 · 03/08/2022 17:39

Has anyone been through this situation? Just feel like I'm going to damage so much

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 03/08/2022 17:46

Dad2017 · 03/08/2022 17:32

I really wish I had the courage. Feel like such a coward. She is an amazing mother and can't take that away but we have nothing in common. Wish I was stronger 😢

Have you got your eye on someone else? Are you frightened of your wife?

I ask this because there seems to be a distinct reticence to do even what might be the first steps, ie screw up the courage to have a hard conversation and see a relationship counsellor.

I have some news, if you think you're too cowardly to have a conversation with her now, there are some brutal ones coming your way. You're going to need some brass balls to sit her down and tell her you're leaving, why is that an easier conversation to have?

Original poster
Dad2017 · 03/08/2022 17:50

@GreenManalishi no eye on anyone else. It purely is just unhappiness

OP posts:
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