Any wise words to help deal with this?

[Angustiada]

I've posted briefly about this before but I'm struggling and could do with advice.
Quick summary, officially separated from ex 2.5 years, have 2 kids (11, 7). I left him after I discovered a 3rd affair during our anniversary break away. He was devastated (apparently) and swore he'd never do it again. He said he found family life boring (kids both planned) and craved attention from other women. Anyway I asked him to move out just before covid hit and gave him a year to go to therapy and sort himself out... Within weeks he was on dating apps so I filed for divorce.
Anyway, fast forwards 2.5 years, still not divorced and the whole financial process has been awful. I ended up being forced out of the family home and he moved in with his new girlfriend who is also pregnant. Baby due in a few weeks (they've been together less than a year). I have majority custody of the kids as he's not interested in doing any of the hard work.
Anyway my need for advice is how to cope with the sadness/anger of him moving so quickly with the new GF after he rejected me and the kids. He was useless with the kids as babies and utterly selfish (still is tbh). It hurts so much to know we weren't enough for him but he's prepared to have a new family with someone he knew for a few weeks. I think about my kids having a new sibling I know nothing of in a few weeks, them having this complete other life (in my old home) and it hurts so much. Why weren't we enough? Why can he be happy to have a new family but barely show any interest in his current one? 😞

Hey, I can understand your upset (especially as they are in the family home) but I doubt very much he has changed - he will do the same to his girlfriend as he did to you when he gets “bored” again.
Is there much left to sort with financials and divorce- having all that finalised may help to give the mental distance from it all?

I'm in a similar situation. I've decided to take it as a compliment that he enjoyed being married to me so much that he's just replaced me a different model. She currently seems interested in the kids so he's pretending he is too which is better for the children than his previous contempt and neglect.
This too shall pass. He will go back to being a lazy, self obsessed arse wipe.
But it's shit feeling second best and I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Thank you both. Sorry I just saw the replies now. To answer the question, divorce is ready to be stamped but documents have been with his solicitors for months now... He's held the whole process up every step of the way.

Maybe the other woman is pushing for marriage and he’s buying time.

If you think about it, having a baby will keep that woman extremely busy and very much engaged in home life and setting up a comfortable family home for all of them.

Ideal if you want to be an out and about “young single man” on the town, “working late”, enjoying all the excitements. The new woman at home, most likely too preoccupied being a new mum and juggling everything to notice the cheating.
And you get to come home to all the creature comfort’s without the pain of having to do all of that pesky stuff for yourself. Also you get to be a respectable family man (never mind you’ve virtually discarded your previous kids.
Best of both worlds!

Until new woman cottons on too and it’s time for her to be replaced with a more compliant home appliance.

The children are just a necessary evil.

I wouldn’t take this as him wanting to start a new family - it’s either a) didn’t want to use contraception or b) wants to tie the new woman in to doing childcare and this way she’s already home looking after one of his kids, so why wouldn’t she be delighted to look after his others while he goes out with his friends/a new woman?

He won’t change, she isn’t somehow more desirable than you and can therefore tempt him into being a family man. She’s just fresh meat, naive to what she’s let herself in for. Sadly she’ll find out.

Is it normal that he keeps asking me be friends with them? This morning he invited me to dinner with him, her and my kids... In my old home. Don't understand how this benefits anyone???

It hurts so much to know we weren't enough for him but he's prepared to have a new family with someone he knew for a few weeks

I think this shows where he places the value in the meaning of 'family', and how different and incompatible you are. He thinks 'family' means something that can be built in a few weeks. Do you really want to be hitched to someone who feels that way?

The dinner idea is obviously ridiculous.

Can you push on with the divorce so that you can move on? Is your solicitor putting pressure on his solicitor to get things moving?

Focus on the practical issues and hopefully you will feel less emotional. If you haven't read it yet, do read Chumplady's Lose a Cheater, Gain a Life!

The dinner thing is bonkers, either he's cruelly trying to rub your nose in it, or he's playing the "we're friends" card so he can tell himself he did nothing wrong.

As for the sadness and anger, I have no advice. It's been 5 years for me and the pain still takes my breath away.

Any wise words?

Keep on at that solicitor, and make sure you get what you are legally entitled to finance-wise.

His new woman is in for a rude awakening, so don't envy her. What's the betting he's already looking around for other women to entertain him while she's pregnant/post partum?

I'm sorry to hear that @Hereforaccountability . I'm okay generally but then something triggers me and the pain rips through me again. It's such a painful experience to go through.
I think it's the latter as I actually explained to him why I couldn't go for dinner and was very honest... He said he was so sorry for how things had ended, he hates himself for what he did and he wish we had never ended etc. So I think he wants to think I'm okay as then he gets off guilt free