I've name changed for this but have posted before quite a few times about my relationship.
My partner and I have been together since early 2015. He was homeless when we met and had just gone into a local supported housing type place, was claiming jsa as he had lost his job which led to the homelessness. So he probably wasn't in a great place mentally.
Anyway. We got chatting, grew a bit of a bond but probably moved quicker than we should have done back then and within 6 months I had proposed to him - can't remember how or why as all of that is a bit of a blank tbh but anyway, it happened.
Pretty much ever since, it's been a rocky road
- I have three children and he's never really taken to them; I can see he tries but he thinks I'm too soft with them, he gets annoyed when they wave their arms around whilst eating or make silly which to an extent is fair enough, but they all have additional needs (autism and adhd) so as an example I ask "can you please stop" several times before they actually take notice and it doesn't bother me too much, he snaps "stop it!" very loudly which makes said child jump - stuff like that is the kind of thing we argue about.
He is either selfish or on the spectrum himself somewhere, I do think it's the latter but it's hard to tell.
He just has quite a blinkered attitude - I get up first each morning and he stays put for half an hour or so on weekdays, I always make myself a coffee and bring him one into bed, he says thanks then gets dressed, pops into the living room, then 2 minutes later goes to the toilet before brushing his teeth then finishing his coffee. It's a routine he has but it doesn't matter how busy I am, he will do it without fail and it annoys me because 9 times out of 10 I leave the house in the morning having not brushed my teeth and only just managing to wash!
I could solve this by getting up earlier and showering before I wake the kids I suppose...
He also kind of half does things - his 'jobs' are hoovering downstairs in the evening,taking the bins out and cooking for us. I cook for the children (he's fussy what he eats so we eat separately from the children, later in the evening), washing up whilst he cleans the sides then he hoovers and I clean the bathrooms. Then we eat.
But he will move the rug to hoover under it then leave it wonky. Same with the living room curtains. And the kitchen bin - I picked him up on the bin thing and he said I was asking him everytime he'd hoovered if he had done behind the bin (there were quite often crumbs there after he'd hoovered) so he said he leaves the bin moved so I don't ask him if he's done behind it. He never does down my side of the bed as it would involve moving it to get the hoover down there, but there are always crumbs down there as he snacks on the bed in the evening so drops crisps etc.
He doesn't want to come on holiday with us. Ever. Because "we argue". He's going to drop us to our trips out over the summer hols as I don't drive but won't come with - to alton towers for example, as he can't walk far due to a spinal operation that went wrong a few years ago - fair enough I guess but it just seems sad to me that, especially with the holiday, he doesnt want to come.
We don't have sex. He will go down on me and I will him (sorry if tmi) probably once every 6 months,sometimes a bit more often and sometimes way longer. Twice this year so far I think, and it's always when he's drunk so he's quite rough and it's not fun.
We used to give each other a peck on the lips when he left the house but that stopped last year, I've asked and he can't really say why. There's no other affection but we do laugh and joke. Feels like we're more like friends than partners. He says he rarely gets morning erections and doesn't really masturbate, if I go down on him he seems to get soft quite quickly and he has to put his fingers inside me to get it hard again (again, sorry!). He acknowledges he has a problem and also says he doesn't really have a sex drive, but shows no interest in fixing things. Having said that, I have never had much of a sex drive either so no sex isn't an issue as such,it's more his lack of interest that bothers me.
The biggest issue in my mind; he's a very heavy drinker. He would drink every day if he could and even if he's not doing every day, he drinks around 25 units on a Friday and the same on a Saturday without fail. He still gets up as normal, goes off to work, doesn't seem hungover but even that amount bothers me and that's what he sees as being "good". On bad weeks, and when I'm finding it hard to say no to him, he'll drink 3 or 4 days in a row, have a day or two off then start again.
Never drinks before noon or anything so says he isn't a proper alcoholic. His last drink was Saturday as I'm being stronger this week and he's gone to work today still seeming fine and not having withdrawal - yet he says he either doesn't want to or can't stop drinking altogether. He isn't sure which. He says he drinks to deal with...something, stop his head or something like that.
He said the other day in the car he was singing along to the radio and just started to well up with tears for no reason. Says he can't even remember what the song was.
But he won't go to the gp.
So that's an overview. Sorry its so long, but I'm struggling to follow through with ending things.
The arguing has got on top of him as much as me as its been daily recently.
The drinking is my biggest issue,I wanted him to stick to just Fri and sat for now and eventually cut down more but he says he won't. He says he will never give up completely as he doesn't want to and can't understand why I think his drinking affects,or will affect, my children.
They're 11, 14 and 15 so not tiny but if nothing else, even if we didn't argue over the issue, them seeing 4 bottles of wine and 6 cans of beer in the recycling box every Sunday morning and smelling red wine through the house all weekend isn't fair on them. In my opinion. And that's on a good week!
So anyway it came to a head against the other day and we agreed to split. Yesterday, he suggested a Chinese (which means he wants a drink). I said no. It got a bit tense and he got annoyed, he tells me it was because after I said no,I told him I couldn't believe he had suggested drinking as its only been 2 days since his last drink!
I think he got annoyed because usually I agree for a quiet life, this time I didn't :(
Is there any way to save this relationship? I know it sounds silly but my kids have grown up with him, I know they'll be upset when he leaves and I feel awful about that, I also wonder whether if I just ignored all of the other stuff, would he feel happier and therefore be more willing to cut down the drinking? Is it because the atmosphere is so tense he feels he needs to drink to relieve the pressure?
Or am I deluding myself that he would ever change?