Love has passed me by, how to accept it?

[Reland]

Strangely I’ve searched for it all my life and it’s been one disaster after another really. Some gems in between that I missed.

I’m 37 now with a three year old and live in a nice village and go to work and come home. I do online dating but nothing comes of it. I do get dates, that’s not the problem. I just never find love.

I wish I could let it go as it’s the hoping and pining that I can’t bear. I know the curtain has closed and finding that true love isn’t going to happen especially now I have a child. How to let it go?

But you're only 37, how can you say with such certainly it has passed you by? You have more years to live still than you've been alive - like 40-50 years. That's a long time to have the opportunities to meet someone. Just because it has not happened in the time frame you were expecting, doesn't mean it won't ever happen. If you meet someone in 10 years time and spend 30 years with them does it matter less than if you met them now?

So best to just keep living as you are, and stay optimistic that it could happen anytime between now the day you are dead. You can't control the future but you can control your own feelings towards it so you enjoy your life without catastrophising.

I was expecting you to be 40 years older from the thread title.

I hear that you’re low but your conviction is misplaced I think. People find love at all ages.

You get on with your life and find joy in other things. So if you do meet someone, you've got things to talk about that matter to you.

I'm 45 and childless. I've been single for a decade, and sometimes I get lonely.

I've travelled all over, have a job I love, and I own everything in my house. Its maybe not how I would have planned it, but most of the time I'm better than OK.

Bloody hell op you aren't even 40!!
After a serious of disastrous relationships I met dh at 41. Been 10 years now.
Embrace being single for now and you may be surprised what that confidence brings you.

No such curtain has closed, you're in your prime! It can absolutely happen, take your eye off it and concentrate on having a life that's as full as possible with your DC, you never know what's round the next corner. Don't write your life off just because you don't have a partner, it's not all it's cracked up to be either for most people, just read the car crashes on here!
Very rightly you've got a stringent screening process when you're a mum which means you will not settle, which will do you a favour in the long run.

I am going to be 40 this year, I thought I had found love - had a child with him and now find myself alone with a nearly two year old little girl. I've been sad and angry that it didn't work out, but now I'm at peace with it (most of the time)! I haven't started to date, but I am cautiously optimistic that I won't be single forever! And if I am... well I will still build a fantastic life for me and my daughter! We are sold this dream of 'love' and whilst it might seem everyone is living a perfect existence - they're not! Relationships and love can be hard work... some years are great and some are tough! It's finding the right person to do it all with. Please try to think about all the people you're still yet to meet (friends and lovers)! I find it really exciting that there could be a love story around every corner... open yourself up to new friendships and opportunities and you might be surprised what turns up! Sometimes when we're really looking for something we never find it, then if you stop looking it's staring you right in the face xxxx

My mum was 36 with a 9 yr old when she met my step-dad 30 plus years ago. You're not too old. It's not too late. Make yourself happy and whole first.

My Dad's Grandad remarried at 70 and had 20 years of happy married life. 37 is not 'passed me by' age.

I'm 50 and despite dumping the last man on Saturday, I've not given up hope! I have a 12 year old too. You're still far too young to have given up hope! At least you don't have wrinkles and hairy toes!

You have plenty of life left. Lots of people are just meeting their life partners at your age, single parent or not. And then you have a second wind where the first lot get divorced and start looking again in their 40s! Definitely don’t give up now.

I was in my mid 30s with a 5 year old dd when I met dh. We’ve been together nearly 15 years now. We met online. I did have to block and delete a lot of people before I found him but just kept on and then met him for a daytime coffee and we just clicked. He’s 8 years younger than me and was living at home again on his mums sofa after realising university wasn’t for him!

My mum dated right up until she was 70 odd and had lots of happy times and good memories from it all. Dating and love isn’t just for young people! But you, you’re still young!

If you have friends whose opinions you value - you should try and get some feedback - maybe you need to do something differently or have different expectations - what exactly do you mean by find love?

Ask around or research to find what people mean by that. My relationship is unusual in some ways (isn't everyone's!?) but I'd say the "love" in our relationship was not "found" at all - it's something we've both worked on to create and something we work at to maintain - so can you see that my view of what love we have in our relationship might not be what you might mean - it changes over time - there is a honeymoon phase - the frisson of being together, the attraction, the longing to see each other all the time, the sex, the finding out about each other at deep levels, there's a lot going on but that is just an early phase - it might seem effortless at first but then you start to realise that relationships take effort and involve making many changes in the way you think - you start to learn to spend as much time, if not more, about meeting your partners needs than about meeting your own - that's if you value your relationship IMHO and you put the needs of the relationship above everything else - like anything - if you want it to have a future you have to invest in it - and to invest you have to commit yourself - to have to risk being wrong (about your own feelings, about trusting your partner, etc) - it's difficult at first because you don't have the history together to know if you have absolute trust.

It's an amazingly complex and ever changing process trying to keep your relationship on an even keel - as individuals you change in different ways as you get older, your values change, what you think is important in life changes, you are exposed to different things (different jobs, mixing with different people, different life events - losing jobs, losing parents, changes through your education and what you read, etc) and you both respond differently to all these changes - so no wonder people don't stay perfectly in synch with each other at every time in their relationship... I could go on.

I just wondered what you think you are looking for - every relationship is a life long project IMHO - not something that arrives on your doorstep new, gift-wrapped and perfect with a life time guarantee.

So maybe you need to reflect and work out if something needs to change - if you just carry on doing the same things and thinking the same things then possibly nothing will change. Why do you think it hasn't worked out yet?

Love hasn't passed you by. Live your life. Enjoy being a parent to your 3-year-old. There's plenty of time for love to come your way yet.

Thanks for the replies didn’t expect many at all @33goingon64 @Afterfire @AnneLovesGilbert @B1rd @BananaSpanner @iknowthismuchis @lucielou82 @rc22

not sure I’ve tagged everyone.

it’s more that I didn’t find love the last ten years and that now I have a child and I live in a tiny place and only go into the office twice a week due to childcare and have to rush back.

it feels even more hopeless than before.

@Reland - I have one thing to the good advice given further up thread.

Your child is only 3 - in my experience they go on play dates, tumble tots or birthday parties but don't have a wide range of extracurricular activities and those that do tend to be mainly be attended by mothers.

As they get older certainly by 5 or 6 they start to do other things and certainly things like school events and sports have fathers much more involved - they are certainly places where you meet a wide range of people - not all the Dads are in relationships and if they attend these sorts of things then you know they are an active father

Put yourself in these sort of places - you might meet someone without plunging into the maelstrom of OLD. I have never used it personally but the some of the behaviour I've seen reported on here beggars belief

And to agree with everyone else 38 is way too young to give up

You're catastrophising. You could meet the man of your dreams in the supermarket later on today.

You don't know what you think you know.

I met the love of my life when I was 47 and my youngest two were 9& 10. I had my life back, career was going well and the kids were not so time consuming. Relax a bit, keep your eye out and try to bridge to loneliness gap with friends/ family and a social.life.

I found love at 68

I had the most loving relationship of my life - and the best sex - in my mid 40s. And that was with two children! It hasn't really worked out how I hoped, for a variety of reasons but you can fall in love any time. Please don't give up.

I think I've been in love a few times in my life but I'm sort of similar to you now albeit 50 years old.

I've got a friend who's 53, she's been married for a few years (no DC), divorced him approx 6 years ago when he had an affair and left her (found out afterwards she'd hated him for years but felt she had to stay married).

She then bought a house outright with her divorce settlement, changed career (now a dog walker), cared for a relative and lost loads of weight and got fit. She tried Match and about 2 months ago met a really nice man and they're dating and she seems really happy.

So the potential for love can be there and although I'm not 100% sure she wasn't in love with her ex-husband at some point, she certainly wasn't for many years!

Hi OP, I hear you.

It’s nice to hear positive stories, and encouragement, but there is no guarantee. I know lots of people, esp single parents, who have not found Mr Wonderful. Firstly it’s hard if you have childcare responsibilities and not meeting enough men or indeed any men. I always wondered why celebrities always had new relationships quite quickly. Well, it’s a lot to do with them simply meeting lots of people all the time, going to parties, etc. How else did Ms Markle meet Harry! Also, you have completely different ideas or standards to others about what you are looking for in a boyfriend/lover/partner. Sone people are simply looking for a general partner, some a soulmate. The latter is obviously harder to find. So please don’t beat yourself up.

The best “advice” I can give is about living the best life you can whatever one’s circumstances. Socialising and pursuing your own interests when one can, etc. Maybe someone will turn up. Maybe not. At least you are making the most and enjoying your life meanwhile. Even if you meet Mr Luvaduv, while it might be the icing on the cake, life is still life.