Why am I afraid to leave?

[littlerayofsunshine0]

I'm baffled and angry at myself. I realised since the birth of my kids (4&5) that my relationship wasn't healthy. We've been together from teens and I thought I could handle/deal with the situations I find myself in with him but since having the kids things have got much more intense and I feel I'm completely suffocating.
He has gotten much more jealous/untrusting of me since the kids were born but more so in particular this last year has been really intense since our first child started school.

There are 2 schools in my area, one which I really wanted to send the kids too but because it's a very popular school I opted against it in order to save myself extra drama with my partner. For example I wouldnt run into certain people he doesn't want me seeing let alone acknowledging or if the kids were invited to a certain child's birthday party etc.
(yep I understand to anyone this already sounds crazy)

So I went for a quieter school with less kids and less people I know. Anyway our little one lives it there and I'm pretty happy I did chose it so far BUT it wasn't enough to stop my partner instigating I'm flirting with other dad's (other dad's who are there with their partners may I add). We've been on quite a number of school outings and everytime it's miserable because if I acknowledge another parent other than my partner I get a mouthful of abuse and insults. When he's not there I'm a different person and I think that's perhaps slightly obvious to others a year in to my kid going to school there.
If at drop off and my partner is with me I could die anytime another man says hello from my kids class. Its a simple hello, nothing more nothing less but my partner is adamant I'm cheating or up to something with that person.

I'm quite an approachable person I think and because of that my partner likes to tell me I probably coming across as easy to other men because I smile and say hello whilst collecting my child from school. How I wave at people is too friendly and I "look like a retard" when I'm doing it. If a male neighbour speaks to me he instigates the same thing. To the point I'm now uncomfortable to go outside and play with the kids to save any accusations.

It's gotten so intense this last yr because I've not felt like sleeping with him (for obvious reasons) but to him it means I'm getting it elsewhere. My phone has been checked numerous times. I'm not on social media, I did have tik tok and that had to be deleted because I couldn't be trusted on it. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of feeling so suffocated and I'm hurting that it's isolating not only me but the kids because I have to be isolated.

I know it's time to leave but I'm so afraid of being a single mum and unable to cope. I've not much support as my parents are unwell and I've obviously no friends network! I'm so afraid I'm thinking how life will be greener on the other side but what if its not? I'm also split at times believing that this is all my own doing. I've made him paranoid. I've lied about running into people when I am at the supermarket etc simply to save myself an interrogation. To anyone else if you go to the shop and happen to see and walk past say Tom and Tom says "hello how are you" you say hello back and go on your business right?? Well if I don't tell my partner someone simply said hello to me it means there's more to the story in his eyes! So because I've sometimes skipped that part of telling him I'm an untrustworthy bitch who'd get up on anything and I'm mugging him off and my kids because I shouldn't be randomly chatting another man because I'm with him.

Yes I understand its completely nuts hence why I'm baffled that I'm scared to leave this insane and incredibly lonely relationship and start a new life. Wtf is actually wrong with me. I've found my anger and want to go but something is holding me back, a fear of what but 😭😭😭😭😭 Someone slap me please!

Read your own post back.

If someone else had written that, what would you say?

No I completely understand that.
I just want someone to explain to me why I'm terrified of ending it, why I haven't left sooner. I'm not expecting anyone to tell me why I should leave, I know why I should leave. Will leave should I say I just don't understand why I have a fear of actually biting the bullet and doing it!

You’re afraid of the unknown.

This.
But how is your life going to be if you stay? Do you think your husband will have a personality transplant? Do you plan to return to work when your children are settled in school, and if you do how do you think that will go?
He’s controlling and abusive, but you know that.

Me and my partner have been together 10 years. We have 2 kids and one in the way... I understand completely.
When we met he was always very paranoid and insecure, although he did adore me and he was good to me. He's never been with anyone who was as half as decent as me before, so I stupidly thought in time he will realise I'm one of the good ones and he doesn't have to worry. I stopped all the things he didn't like, like nights out with friends and Facebook.... this was out of choice but it still didn't change anything.
It has only got worse as the years have gone on...
I am scared to start over on my own with 3 kids. So I stay... but I am bot happy at all, I am so lonley.

I know I keep telling myself that I'm in late 30s, I already regret the time I've wasted by staying with him and I can see the effect this will cause on the kids.

I want to leave but but he's widdled me down into believing I'm at fault, I'm in fact the toxic one and I've made him this way.
I now question myself over it all and wonder is it my fault can I make it better so the kids aren't divided between their mum and dad. I'm afraid of what I'm going to deal with when I leave in regards to the kids custody wise. How he will blacken my name with his bullshit paranoia. I just feel so lost and broken. I just want freedom but without the hassle I'm going to have to deal with

Yeah I understand. I feel the same. People think your mad for staying with someone who treats you like that and when your not happy why are you there. But sometimes that headache is a better one the being in your own and knowing you have a massive fight coming your way. I know if I leave i have absolutely nothing and I will have to start from scratch including housing, mentally I'm not strong enough for that right now.

Because change is hard. Because we believe we are nothing without them. We have been ground down to feel empty and useless

Be brave start making a plan. Save some money. Think about your happy home without him.

It feels really difficult to leave, because, he's purposely made it really difficult for you to leave. He has systematically eroded your confidence and your self esteem and cut you off socially, you have no network and that's no accident. Please don't blame yourself for this, it's a calculated strategy that classically ramps up and intensifies at points such as pregnancy, and childbirth, where you're more vulnerable and more "tied" to them.

I wonder if you might have looked at The Freedom Programme, it might give you some insight into what's going on, and reassure you that you're not alone and this is not your fault. Womens Aid have an online chat service which is really good, tell them what's going on.
This won't get easier as time goes on, now is a great time to leave him!

I can sympathise personally. I think sometimes it’s change or the unknown. It’s a really brave step to leave. You know what you need to do. Maybe start by seeking some therapy. Come up with a plan. Contact citizen advice too, to work out finances etc. I think you know this man will grind you down to much if you stay.

Leaving is really hard but you can't put a price on freedom. I'm free now and I left with just the clothes on our backs. It was scary and has been extremely stressful. He did try to blacken my name. But.. I'm still here, the world is still turning, and most people didn't believe a word that came out of his mouth... if anyone did believe the vile and frankly ludicrous things he was saying then it said more about them than it did about me.

I think maybe you just have to get to the point where you are so fed up with the alternative - continued life with the abuser - that anything else seems preferable, even the uncertainty.

These abusers gaslight you so they make you believe the problem is, or could be, you. They will not take the blame for anything. Your life with them will never change.

Your life with them will never get better and most likely will get worse as the abuser will continue to make your world smaller and smaller.

I got to the point with mine where I was pretty much prisoner apart from when I was allowed to take our child to school or to go to essential appointments. When I tried to do anything else either I was physically unable to leave the property or he would make it so difficult that I ended up having to return. I wasn't even allowed to have the curtains or blinds open.

Don't be me. I was petrified to leave and it kept me trapped a lot longer than I should have been.

Go and have a free chat with a family solicitor - ring around to find one.
Honestly, I found it empowering.
Ive not gone yet, because things are better, but I feel confident about going if I ever do.

You are afraid to leave because a natural human condition is to fear the unknown.
When considering any decision in life, take "fear" out of the equation.
Do you want to leave your DP?
If the answer is Yes, then start moving your actions to facilitate that.
Yes you will be afraid but that does not change your decision or your actions.
Remember fear is inside you and you are afraid of the fear. You are NOT afraid of the outcome of your decision (if that makes sense).

@DrMorbius hits the nail on the head. Excellent explanation of the way you think of these huge decisions.

I left my DH 2 years ago, and it was no doubt the hardest thing I’ve probably ever done, and I wrestled with the fear factor for months.

However, I am the happiest I’ve been since I was in my twenties. Yes, there is fear of the unknown, but what you gain in freedom and the chance to be happy is absolutely priceless.

Maybe Google Stockholm Syndrome where people are afraid to leave their captors.

Get your ducks in a row. Do some research re money, savings, pensions etc. then see a solicitor. The only way is up.

Because as mum's our decisions impact others & we do what we need to. Our own well being is often bottom of the pile.

Far more likely his previous partners were perfectly normal women and he just accused them of all the things he is accusing you of.

Op it's scary because on some.levek you have bought into his arguments. He has convinced you that YOU are to blame and even though you know its not true, part of you thinks it is. He tells you that you are stupid and a "retard" (language that is totally unacceptable) and part of you thinks maybe he is right.

Hes not. But its hard to get out of this mindset. You will get there.

If you can’t leave for yourself then leave for your kids. They are still very young and should readily adjust. His behaviour is impacting on them by affecting the decisions you make regarding school choices and by them being denied a happy mother.

I had complete inertia about leaving stbxh and it was focusing on how much better the children’s lives would be that spurred me into action.