As the title says...where do I even start. I just feel completely beaten down in life, mainly stemming from the ending of my long term relationship. We were together for 12 years.
Our relationship was amazing for the first few years. He was so kind, gentle, just lovely. We just got each other. But things started to break down a little, a lot of it due to numerous miscarriages that I had, depression setting in due to this etc. We had a huge fight during the first lockdown, Jan 2020, harsh words were said and we broke up. The specific date was Jan 4th actually I still remember the dates. I say broke up, it was more of a fight where we said it's over in anger, or so I thought.
I went to stay with my cousin about an hour away. Jan 11th, my period was late, I took a test, it was positive. I told him and to be fair to him, he did say we can try again, but i was so hurt, I said no. Time went on, about 5 weeks and neither really got in touch with the other. I found out in Feb that I was miscarrying. I called him in tears, he came through to see me and I asked if I could come and stay with him for a day or 2 as I didn't feel like staying with my cousin while this was happening. He um'd and ah'd and eventually said yes. Cut a long story short, when we got back to his, I looked through his messages as he was being really weird within phone, messages pinging at strange hours. Turns out he had matched with a woman on tinder the day after i left and had met up with and slept with her 4 days after I had left, 8th Jan. It was like a punch to the stomach, especially mid miscarriage. He had been sleeping with her for a few weeks at this point. I felt sick that 4 days after the end of our relationship, he had already moved on and was sleeping with someone else. The lack of care and respect for what we had made me sick to my stomach.
To my shame, I begged him to try again. I was a mess at this stage, don't know what I was thinking. We kind of tried on and off and I fell pregnant again. I had my lovely baby boy in February. But since we agreed to try again, the relationship was shit. He refused to accept he had done anything wrong by sleeping with this tinder woman, according him, we were broken up so he had done nothing wrong. What kind of person is so black and white and thinks that it's decent behaviour to just forget about an ex of over 10 years and start shagging some random off tinder 4 days after they're gone I'll never know, but hey ho, it is what it is. Even Once we said we would try again, he kept on logging on to dating sites, "just to have a look". He changed. It's like he learnt that he could have anyone in his bed after a swipe right on tinder (or left or whatever way you swipe!) and so thought that he could have this lothario lifestyle in the big city. It changed him.
Anyway, things have deteriorated so much between us now that we can't even maintain contact via a contact centre and I've said he'll have to contact a solicitor. He does give maintenance. We also agreed that he would pay 50% of the fees for out little boy to attend nursery, however he has started messing around with the amounts agreed. It's just a way for him to play mind games and it bloody angers me as he owns land worth a couple of million, has a few hundred grand in stocks and shares and owns his house outright. While I've been left as a single mum, having to move in to a council flat and surviving on benefits as I had changed jobs too late to be eligible for maternity pay. He is single and out there dating and having a great time, living his best life, while I'm struggling with postnatal depression, trying to do up this council flat with the pennies that I can rub together. It's so fucking unfair. I will have no job to go back to as its shifts and I can't do shifts anymore as a single mum. I have barely any help from family and friends all have their own kids/jobs/lives.
How do I even begin to get my life together to give my baby what he deserves? How do i get over the utter pain and torture he has put me through? I feel like I'm just stuck forever while he's out living his best life.
To add, I went though a lot of abuse as a child, mainly emotional and neglect and I thighs I'd found my happy ending with this man. So its hard.
Sorry this is so long, and thank you to anyone who reads it!