Advice on how to reignite sex life?

[Jane1727]

Any advice. My husband and I have been together for roughly 20 years. He has recently been diagnosed with a health condition which has effected his ability to perform in the bedroom. We haven't had a very active sex life for years (maybe once a month). However, we have had none at all for the last 9 months. He makes no effort in any way to initiate any kind of sexual contact anymore.
I am only early 40's so a lot younger than him by about 15 years. I am not ready to give up on our sex life all together. I know he still has desire as have found him watching porn a few times but he seems to have no interest at all in sex with me.
I wonder if this is due to him feeling he can't perform or whether he just doesn't find me attractive anymore. We are still happy in lots of ways and very active parents to our kids. Lead busy fulfilling lives other than this. I am worried if I raise it he will feel that he is letting me down sexually. We have talked about viagra in the past but he has done nothing about it. Surely if he was that bothered about our sex life he would try?
I am not sure what I am asking but anyone been in a similar situation and how can I best raise this without offending him?

No advice but you're not alone!

I think you are spot on with thinking that he has feelings of inadequacy, if you can’t perform in the bedroom is like you are less of a man, you cannot “satisfy” your wife, which is basic function for men, if he is watching porn, I think that’s a good sign as his desire is still there.
admitting that you might need viagra is big deal for some men,
we (as men) are bombarded with advertising for viagra , it’s on the Telly, the radio, online, Mens toilets in service stations etc.
viagra is cheap and really widely available with no prescription needed , order online and arrive next day,
my suggestion would be to go online and check out sites like boots , numan, Lloyds pharmacy etc and just have a read around and get familiar with the terms and prices etc.

when there is a viagra ad on the telly, try using terms like “shall we try that”, or “we could look into that”, and have a laptop or device ready so you can sit together and go through the options together and talk through this rather than just leaving him to at as he will probably continue to do nothing as it’s hard to admit to yourself that you have an issue downstairs

good luck 🤞

Sounds like performance anxiety to me. Could have many causes, no doubt his health condition is one. You need to talk to him sensitively and stop worrying that he finds you unattractive. I don't think that really comes into it, as a man I don't stop to consider if my DW looks attractive or not, sexual desire is more animalistic than that.

Some of the responses make sex sound like a prize or reward to be given if you can prove that you might be able to go the distance. it does not sound like a mutually enjoyable interaction between 2 like minded adults. It sounds very much like a trophy that will be awarded to the winner. It reminds me of the old 50s movies where Susie is trying to figure out how far can she go with Johnny because she really wants to wear his class ring or letterman ' s jacket.

Perhaps that is a part of the many complaints about sexless marriages .The winner tires of the prize or the trophy, and the partner having played their trump card cannot understand why the partner is no longer interested.

Sadly - I think this is a flip-side of large age gap marriage. And age is catching up with him -and in addition, ‘a condition affecting his performance’ isn’t something he can change. And yes, of course - he is letting you down. He got the benefits of having a young woman on his arm as a W. But he can’t meet her needs. And he doesn’t even seem to try or care. And btw - this has nothing to do with your attractiveness.

I don’t think there is anything you can do to make him want to start caring. And, in a way - it is his body and he can decide not to have sex if he doesn’t feel like it.

You can only decide for yourself. Did you ever think about the age difference and what you’d do when it becomes an issue?
You are only 40. And I certain I couldn’t give up on sex at that age.
….You can stay and try to reignite your sex life - but I doubt it’ll work. He needs to want to.
… You can try to suppress your libido and hope menopause will wipe it out. But of course - you may experience famed peri- sex surge. By then your H will be in his 60s and certainly no more virile
… You can leave in hope to find a more suitable partner - but of course it unleashes lots if upheaval and misery
…. and the easiest solution - find someone in a similar situation and take care of your physical needs discretely