Divorcing in same house feels unbearable

[Justalittlerant5]

I’m in the process of divorcing my emotionally abusive STBXH (and I don’t say that lightly, I’ve had months of support from Women’s Aid).

For now we are in the same house with the DC. He has now told me not the attempt to communicate with him in front of the DC, so (if he stays in the same room when I’m there at all) so they don’t see us communicate at all. When I tried before, he just blanked me, so I had mostly given up except very urgent things (e.g. have you seen DC’s teddy?)

When the DC aren’t there sometimes he will answer very short practical questions, or often he ignores me, acting as if I don’t exist.

He is very difficult around arrangements for the children and sends messages questioning my parenting/criticising me.

I’m so mad at myself for not getting arrangements in place before starting the divorce, but I had no idea it would be this bad (so stupid of me…) The current environment can’t be good for the DC (3 and 5) but I understand court proceedings may take a year at least.

Any advice? I want better for the kids (even 50-50 custody will give them time in a good environment) and frankly for me too. I’m trying so hard to keep it together, but being constantly on edge in my own home is getting to me.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Use a parenting app to communicate about the DC, and a solicitor to communicate re the divorce. Block him in all other formats.

Seek to separate assets ASAP and get yourself and your kids away from him!

If he has form for being abusive speak to your solicitor for legal advice in getting him removed from the house. An anti molestation order for example will mean he can't live with you

Why can’t you and dc move out. You can get housing benefit for the period the divorce goes through and finances sorted. The value of the home isn’t taken into account for benefits for the period it is in dispute.

What home do you live in?

Mortgaged, private or social housing rented?

We own the house jointly (with mortgage). I could afford to leave and rent somewhere (for a while) but my understanding is that I can’t just leave with DC because he is entitled to see them too.

I would leave via a refuge with the DC and sort out a court order.

Are you their primary cater at the moment?

Yes, I am looking into this, but (a couple of recent incidents aside) most of what I’m struggling with is silent treatment so I don’t think its enough. Its just so hard living in a house with someone ignoring you all the time and acting if I don’t exist even in front of the DC. I find myself thinking I wish it was “worse” sometimes so I could escape, but it seems like I have to let the divorce run its course.

We have them about 60-40 at the moment. He has insisted on 50-50 post separation (wasn’t anything like that before), but reality is I end up doing more.

Hi, I'm in the same position as you and it's awful. Very emotionally abusive and controlling STBXH can't leave as no where to go/no rentals/can't afford to rent. He's being really nasty and blowing up (in front of the kids) about little things and can't talk to him about any of it. I guess it's just solidarity as I have no other advice. I'm coping by seeing friends, going out for walks after kids in bed. Do you have a good support network?

I have no useful advice to give, OP, but am sending love and hugs.

I once lived with flatmates who behaved like that - silent treatment, dirty looks, rudeness - and it crushed me. They weren't even people I'd once loved (as with your STBX), and they weren't physically threatening as your STBX sounds, so I felt I shouldn't have been so hurt by their hostility. Decades later it still makes me feel sick and anxious if I think about them.

You are coping with a much worse and more abusive situation, as well as trying to protect your children. Your STBXH is an arrogant bully, telling you how you're allowed to communicate with him. I hope you and DC are soon safely away from him.

Meanwhile, remember that his view of you, and of the situation, is distorted by his arrogance. Don't believe the sh*t he tries to put on you. There's nothing wrong with you. You deserve so much better than this, and I hope you soon will be free of him. xx

my understanding is that I can’t just leave with DC because he is entitled to see them too.

I don't think that's the case if you move locally or within a reasonable distance is it? Otherwise no-one would ever leave and they do all the time. You might be thinking about advice to women considering leaving the country they live in to return to the UK - definitely not good to do that, but moving out to a local rental would be fine.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re in a similar position. It’s so hard. I do have supportive family and friends and I hope you do too. Seeing other people, going to the gym, going to work all help, but I’m just so overwhelmed at home.

You can leave with the children if you’re staying local. As a PP said, it’s if you’re planning to move a long way away that it’s a problem.