Dwindling sex life - overreacting?!

[RosieDal]

Need a little advice on how to approach with DP!

So over the last few months sex life has dwindled off with DP. We've always had a varied and very active sexlife (everyday/other day at least). DP increasingly stopped initiating sex a few months ago and then gradually has started to say not in mood. Now when we do have sex, it's more a quick done and over sort of thing. Typically initiated by me.

We do still have sex about once a week - it's just that's it's such a huge difference to how it always has been. I understand these things happen from time to time and there could be lots of reasons for DP lack of interest in sex at the moment. The problem is for me that it seems to be out of nowhere - no major changes in life to us both, nothing else in our relationship has changed, DP does not seem any different (not stressed or overly tired or issues going on for him in work or personal life etc) and it is making me feel a little unwanted/desired etc. I have put on almost 2 stone in just over a year, so plays on my mind that this could be the cause (gone from a size 6/8 to a 12 - I was most likely under weight and people do tell me I look healthier now but could start a whole new thread on issues I've had with my weight/eating tbh).

I have brought it up with DP on two occasions now, to try and talk and mention the difference in our sex life and see if there is any reasons DP is no longer 'in the mood' as he says most days. DP says nothings changed, says we still have sex 'all the time' (we don't?) And that he still very much loves me, is attracted, etc etc and thinks me bringing it up is 'silly'. Last week when we spoke about it properly DP said he didn't feel like anything had changed, but since then, we haven't had sex. I have stopped initiating as if he is not wanting to at the moment, I certainly don't want to make him feel pressured into it. But I don't understand what is going on and DP isn't being forth coming about what the change in his sex drive is about and it is slowly starting to drive me mad and probably making me feel a little insecure (and frustrated 😅.

Besides this - nothing else in our relationship has changed and DP seems very happy (as am I besides this 'issue').

AIBU to be making an issue of this in my mind, its not like weve stopped all together, just drastically decreased to our normal or should I be having another conversation with DP about this as it is bothering me? I don't want to put him under pressure to have more sex, or make him feel bad about not wanting to so much atm, but just understanding what's changed would help, I can't keep the thoughts away that its maybe I'm not as attractive to him at the moment (he assures me this isn't the case). I know there could be many reasons on his side. Help!

2 things stood out to me here. The first is that you tried to discuss something with you that was important to you, about your relationship, and his response was to say that your concerns were silly. That's not what someone would say if they respected your feelings.

and

should I be having another conversation with DP about this as it is bothering me

Where do you think the 'should' would come from here? Who do you think is the advisor who knows what's best for you to do? Why would you defer to someone else's opinion above your own, when it comes to how you act in your relationship? Did you ask someone if you 'should' post on MN, or did you just go with your instinct? And if you just went on your instinct, why aren't you doing this with your partner?

Your concerns are not silly. Something stops you talking as much as you need to to him, and that's not surprising, given that he has dismissed your feelings on the subject so readily.

You’ve already had a conversation and he shut you down.
You need to decide if you would stay in a sexless marriage, then he needs to address the problem, or you choose to stay/go.
Dont waste years of your life waiting for him.

There could be many reasons behind this, but essentially if you’re not happy with it and doesn’t work for you then that’s what to focus on.

I personally wouldn’t put up with this, short term due to illness etc yes of course but not if my partner was denying it was an issue and making no moves towards sorting it out.

It could be almost anything, men do have periods when sex becomes less important to them, maybe his feelings towards you have changed are linked to your weight change ?
most men would rather row the ocean then actually talk about inner feelings, even more so if they it might upset their partner,

You should be able to discuss your sex life with your DP just as you discuss other aspects of your relationship, kids, money, holidays etc. Communication is vital otherwise small problems morph into big ones. And a lack of sex is corrosive, it tends to magnify issues which might otherwise be overlooked. Your DP needs to understand this and if he can't or won't then your relationship maybe under threat.

has he met someone?

Possible options:

Beginning of ED
He's bored

As mentioned above, it could be anything; stress, overworked, depression, getting it somewhere else?
Does he still masturbate? or just completely lost interest in sex?

You need to have an honest and open discussion with him.

most men would rather row the ocean then actually talk about inner feelings, even more so if they it might upset their partner

This isn't true, and lets him off the hook of being responsible for talking about his feelings in the relationship, just because he has a penis.

People are capable of having conversations about their feelings and behaviours, regardless of their sex. Nobody should be allowed to shut their partner out just because they're a man and it's 'what men do'. If someone isn't capable of pulling their weight in relationship communication, they shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who needs them to do that.

This isn't true, and lets him off the hook of being responsible for talking about his feelings in the relationship, just because he has a penis.

this is true, irrespective of what you might think about it being correct or not, most men I know would not say to their wives/ partners “you have got fat and I don’t want to have sex with you any more” or words to that affect.

those sorts of comments would end up on this very forum with a rousing response of LTB, you deserve better.

most men would rather say nothing then want to upset their partner

• stress is a big one
• pain/not feeling well
• ED
• affair
• doesn't find you as attractive (you are still slim but maybe he has a thing for tiny women 🙄)
• depression

And sex once a week is far from sexless! But it's a massive change from once a day and thats the issue.

Check his phone

It's understandable that you're feeling a bit insecure and frustrated if your sex life with your partner has dwindled significantly. It's important to communicate with your partner to see if there is anything going on that might be causing this change. It could be that your partner is simply not as interested in sex as they used to be, or it could be something more complicated. If your partner is not willing to talk about the issue, it may be difficult to resolve. In any case, it's important to remember that you are not alone in this and that there are many other couples who go through similar changes.

This.

The only thing that has changed is your weight. As a fatty myself, I’m not being rude but unfortunately it sounds as if this man likes his women on the slimmer/skinner side. Ditch him and find someone that worships you, likely that you will find someone easily.

How long have you been together?

How do you know that something else hasn't changed? Have you asked him?

How long have you been together?

AIBU to be making an issue of this in my mind, its not like weve stopped all together, just drastically decreased to our normal or should I be having another conversation with DP about this as it is bothering me? I don't want to put him under pressure to have more sex, or make him feel bad about not wanting to so much atm, but just understanding what's changed would help, I can't keep the thoughts away that its maybe I'm not as attractive to him at the moment (he assures me this isn't the case). I know there could be many reasons on his side. Help!

not being rude it sounds like you are making more of an issue of it than it is, during my life my sex drive has waxed and waned based on so many different situations (mostly out of my control), that I cannot count, saying that, I think a lot of men would love to having sex weekly,
However, if he is not initiating, you might have to continue, if you stop having sex it quickly goes from a week to a fortnight to a month to six months and before you know it a year has gone by. Then it’s really difficult to restart

You’ve already had a conversation and he shut you down.
You need to decide if you would stay in a sexless marriage, then he needs to address the problem, or you choose to stay/go.
Dont waste years of your life waiting for him.

this is typical of the ridiculous nonsense you see on this forum, weekly sex is probably better then a lot of couples have, just imagine if the genders were reversed and a man posted the above, and was complaining that his wife only wanted weekly sex, he would be handed his arse in a sling, and told she was too good for him.