Finally got to the bottom of my ‘problem’ and now have dragged a child into it. Are my chances of recovery doomed?

[MovingFowrs]

I will be blunt and not sugarcoat this. I’ve had problems all my life emotionally and never been sure why exactly. Loaaaads of therapy etc. Have inherited money (not a lot but enabled me to have a good step up in life) and have a nice home and good job. I mention this as from the outside it’s all good

But I have desperately sought love in all the wrong places, the latest was a man who was so unavailable that he’d never a relationship before me beyond 6 weeks. Cue me jumping in to save him. I got pregnant (deliberately didn’t use the pill but condoms and was lucky or unlucky however you see it…). I wanted a baby, to settle down, I wanted the pain of the search for a family to stop. Relationship broke down of course because now I see, finally, clearly, where I’ve been going wrong all my life. Codependent nightmare that I am.

In some ways I feel relieved. I actually do know what I’ve been doing wrong and why. Where it’s come from etc. But I have a tiny baby now. A result of my problems in the past. Ex has completely disappeared and as elated as I am that I personally have had this huge awareness of where my problems have come from… is dc now a constant reminder of where I went wrong? Dad not on the scene…. My fault for not choosing the right man… mum (me) single… my fault for not getting to grips with my issues sooner… if we have little money in future… again my fault. All of which I’ve inflicted on DC.

is there a way forward? Mentally? I can see so clearly where I was going wrong before that I’m like a different person. Why couldn’t I have seen this at 25 not 35?

You have a nice house, good job, lovely baby...time to count some blessings. Having got shot of the man-boy seems like a win as well.

Enlightenment is great: although it's not necessarily a guarantee you won't repeat old patterns of behaviour, you may be able to train yourself into thinking more carefully and avoid the worst pitfalls.

I think it sounds as if you've reached a place in your life where things can really start to go right for you, and 35 is the perfect age for that. You're young enough to have the energy, old enough to know a bit better and there's no age limit to finding the right person - if that's what you still want.

Sounds great to me! Good luck, OP. Wishing you all the happiness in the world.

What exactly was the revelation you had about what you'd been doing wrong? It sounds like you've had seven eighths of a revelation, rather than a whole revelation.

I don’t understand why you are blaming yourself so much? Just because a series of relationships break down, doesn’t mean that is all on you doing things wrong.
Perhaps you simply have too much of a fantasy of perfect family life and because nothing ever measures up, you blame yourself. Real life isn’t like that, we all kind of bumble our way through life and enjoy what we can when we can.

@Watchkeys @Discovereads @Happyandyouknowit83

i didn’t find therapy too helpful really. I’ve just accepted that I am hugely codependent. My relationships all are the same, desperate need for attention and accepting the bare minimum from
men. My Ex (Father of the child) couldn’t organise a date with me ever, he always ‘had to let me know’ as he was so busy… couldn’t go on holiday, couldn’t come to me often etc etc etc. Yet I was understanding and caring and put him on this huge pedestal despite having a similar job to his with similar hours that I was apparently ok to juggle, even if he could not.

I wish I had gathered my self respect and had confidence. Realising this now almost seems pointless as I have a child… they are a consent reminder of a relationship that I choose very badly. Obviously love dc but I will forever be living in the knowledge that I could have worked this out sooner and my poor dc doesn’t even see their dad, that’s how rubbish he is… and if I had known what I know now I could have realised that was likely to happen a long time a ago and it wouldn’t have been like this.

*constant reminder

Well, you could keep on looking at your child as a constant reminder that you made a bad decision. Or, you could try looking at your child as a beautiful amazing really good thing that came to you despite your poor decision making. Which view will bring you a healthier relationship with your child in the future?

look at your precious baby and use their existence as a motivation to not accept poor treatment in the future, because it’s now not just you who would suffer the consequences but your baby too.

@UpdateStoleMyProfile i suppose what I mean is my ex not being around for them now will always impact them won’t it? So
even if I get better and stronger, my poor dc is in some way living with the consequence of where I went wrong? That’s more what I mean.

Well I'd say you use that enlightenment to make sure you don't make the same mistakes in the future. And be the best parent you can be. And stop beating yourself up for stuff you can't change.

You only have to read Mumsnet boards to know that an absent father is a much better option than a terrible father. Yes, a child can have issues, but when you keep on with the message that it wasn't anything to do with them, that they are fine as they are, they handle it.

But your child wouldn’t exist at all if you hadn’t made that choice.

yes, they’ll have to live with an absent father. But lots of people do. And I’m not trying to diminish the fact that that will be difficult at times. But I don’t think you need to focus on that. Acknowledge it, and then put it to the side and concentrate on what your child does have. Which is you, and whoever else you bring into their life.

Possibly but you cant control his actions, only your own.
Please have some compassion for yourself, yes you made mistakes but they were driven by your unmet needs.
Nothing can change the past but you can understand how this has happened and make a good life for you and your child.

Knowing your 'problem' is one thing, moving beyond it is the important bit.
As others said, you've got a lot of positives. Not having the father in this case is good - doesn't sound like he would make a decent dad let alone how you would be if he was still around.
Move on. Millions of women are lone parents. And next time you meet someone look at your kid as a reminder that you need to proceed with caution.

Having a baby is no walk in the park. tricking someone into conceiving a child is a dreadful, immoral thing to do and you are now living with the consequence of that decision. As is your child.

coming to terms with your choice in men is one thing but perhaps you should examine your own behaviour in relationships that deters men from sticking around.

a bit of self reflection is never a bad thing

in regards to moving forward - everything is about perception- many people in your circumstances would be quite happy. You however are focussing on the negative - not too surprising since you are probably a bit knackered looking after a young baby.

however you can’t change the past so stop looking back as it won’t be helpful or change what has happened

this time on your own will show you life is fine without a man and you can manage alone

good luck

Now you are aware of the issues, you have a good opportunity to improve and enjoy a good life with your child.

You are very blessed!

You need to focus on the child now and your future together. End of.

You've realised something at 35 that you couldn't have known at 25, having been through that journey. You'll know more at 45 (and 55, 65, 75) than you do now, so don't make the mistake of thinking you've got it all sussed now and this is how it is. Being a parent will teach you how little you know and how much more you'll learn every day with LO. Keep moving forward, use your self-awareness to avoid repeating past mistakes, and give all the love you have to yourself and your DC, that way you can get to a place where you're past self-recriminations and can start to see it's all a big learning curve, and really, you're not doing too bad at all.