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Original poster

PREGNANCY, SEX, RELATIONSHIP.

12 replies

GgLaRu · 02/08/2022 10:57

I am now 23 weeks pregnant and it's the first time Ive made it this far. I have had two losses before, one of them was an ectopic pregnancy that almost kills me. Due to endometriosis Ive had 5 surgeries in my uterus, womb and fallopian tubes so getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy it almost feels too good to be true! I have seen a consultant who explained that she can't tell me sex is 100% safe for me and that this is a choice I have to make myself. As you can all imagine I have been struggling a lot, been terrified of something going wrong and so I have said no to sex. My DP is a great, wonderful partner. However, he has been struggling with the side of this. We have had a lot of arguments about it. We have been having intimacy (when we are not arguing about sex, or when im not exhausted, or in pain) but stills tells me that my attitude towards sex makes him feel unloved and unattractive. That he hasn't heard that from a consultant (as if I'm lying) and etc. What conflicts me is- why would he risk it? shouldn't he want to do anything possible for this pregnancy to go as smooth as possible with no bleedings and scares? every day he is upset, or moody about it. Every day we have a row about it even if I try and communicate to him my fears. And I need to keep reminding him that Im growing a human, that I'm tired, that I'm in pain, that I'm hormonal.. I feel there is a lot of pressure around the subject and I don't know what to do!

Any wise advice on how I can be better for him?

OP posts:
bluegardenflowers · 02/08/2022 11:04

You can have sex without penetration, are you trying these things or just don't feel up to anything?

It's easy to say DP should just become a monk for 9 months and not be upset by that, but many people feel that the closeness of sex is what makes them feel loved and it's just as valid an outlook, as not wanting sex. Normally sex in pregnancy can continue pretty much as normal, but I totally understand your anxiety.

I think it's just about explaining it to him better and where possible show love in other ways. He isn't being very understanding of your position though, but maybe he feels excluded by the baby and the lack of sex is exacerbating that

bluegardenflowers · 02/08/2022 11:05

The second trimester is usually much better for energy levels.

Original poster
GgLaRu · 02/08/2022 11:11

we are doing all of that! If we go 4 days without it, then the arguments start..

OP posts:
bluegardenflowers · 02/08/2022 12:52

GgLaRu · 02/08/2022 11:11

we are doing all of that! If we go 4 days without it, then the arguments start..

He's being a bit of an arse then and putting his own need for reassurance over yours. There are 2 people on your team, so you win.

fghj149 · 02/08/2022 13:17

I think he needs to grow up and stop being so selfish. He needs to think about the potential risk to you and your baby, rather than pressuring someone who has had two MCs for goodness sake. Fwiw I miscarried late last year and fell pregnant again quickly after. I’ve never been told it’s a high risk pregnancy but we haven’t “done it” since once around 16 weeks as I’ve been terrified at the thought of something happening. DH has gone from moaning slightly at the start to being more understanding because he’s had to be. We did it a few times before the MC when I wasn’t necessarily comfortable so I felt the need to assert myself more this time rather than just saying yes to something.

Being a father will require him to put others’ needs above his own, and it should start right now when you have been given medical advice that it’s dangerous for you so you are not happy to have sex. He ought to be respecting that and doing what is best for you and your soon to be family.

I hope that he wakes up to reality very soon 💐❤️

Original poster
GgLaRu · 02/08/2022 13:44

Thank you so much😍

OP posts:
Original poster
GgLaRu · 02/08/2022 13:45

You're right, thank you!

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 02/08/2022 13:55

Any wise advice on how I can be better for him?

I think he needs to be better for you. If you’re not comfortable with sex for any reason he just needs to cope. You’ve been through so much and it’s only temporary. Plus if he can’t cope now I’d be concerned that he’s going to be nagging after you’ve had the baby too. Babies and an active sex life rarely go hand in hand, he needs to come to terms with that now.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/08/2022 13:56

He wants to have sex with you even though he knows you don’t want to? Does he realise how that makes him sound?

One way to describe his behaviour would be “deeply unattractive” but there are others that I am sure you can imagine.

Pinkbonbon · 02/08/2022 13:57

He sounds like a total wanker op.

Daily or even weekly, hell, even monthly arguments don't have a place in healthy relationships. Let alone arguments where his desires are more important than your needs and your safety.

I'd sack him off and go it alone. He's already draining the shit out of you and who needs that! Let alone when you're soon to be a mother.

It's not normal for a partner to pressure you into sex. It's not normal for a partner to dismiss your fears and feelings as if they don't matter. It's not normal for a partner to be a total dick.

Life is too short op.
Get free of the bully and have a happy life.
Good luck with your pregnancy!

MissMaple82 · 02/08/2022 13:58

Uuuurgh men make me sick!!

lOPAS · 02/08/2022 14:04

He thinks with his dick. He's a grown man with a child on the way not a horny 16 yr old.

Yuk.

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