AIBU to say to husband he shouldn’t speak to certain family members about our relationship

[Mummyofonegirlie]

Hi Everyone,
So me and my husband have been going through a pretty bad patch in our relationship for the last few months.
We have been together 15 years and have a daughter who is 9 months.
To give you an idea about our relationship,
we’ve always been the type of couple who have loved hard but fought hard, there has never really been a happy medium in our relationship to be honest, it’s either we’re madly in love or we hate each other’s guts. We never bicker, it’s either full scale war or complete harmony.
Just lately it has been pretty bad and our fights have gotten out of hand.
I love my partner very much and want to work things out between us, we have been through a lot together and as we’re only both in our 30s we’ve practically grown up together.
The problem I’m having at the moment is that whenever we have an argument, he goes running to his brother and sister-in-law to talk about it but they are a pair of the most poisonous people you could meet, especially the sister-in-law. She has always been a two faced busy body who absolutely loves other peoples drama and will do anything to stir things up, she even does it in her own family and she’s not well liked for it.
My husbands parents also dislike her for this reason so they avoid her quite a lot as often they have said something to her quite innocently and she’s twisted things to cause problems between her husband and his parents.
My husband hasn’t had the best relationship with his mum and dad in the past and neither did I, but we have all put that behind us and have become quite close, especially since having the baby, but my husband is still distant from them. I have sometimes spoken to them about our problems and they are very helpful, they aren’t malicious with their advice and if anything they don’t want to see us split up for the sake of our child. When I talk to them I always come away feeling positive with an idea of how to move forward whereas when my husband comes away from talking to his brother and SIL he is always bitter and resentful because their conversations are always so negative.
I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I did also look through his phone to find messages from the SIL where they have slagged me off. I haven’t told him what I have seen and maybe I shouldn’t have looked because it has confirmed my suspicion that they have nothing good to say, which now, makes it very difficult for me to act friendly when they are around.
Am I being unreasonable to say that he shouldn’t talk to them? Or am I looking at this from completely selfish reasons and I should just mind my own business

I think the real issue is your relationship is high drama and conflict

it’s really not fair on your daughter- please see a therapist

Your focus is in the completely wrong direction. Your relationship is toxic and it's a horrible environment to be raising a child in. The example you're setting for her will tarnish her entire life. Either get therapy and stop the abuse or spilt up.

He shouldn't be discussing it with them. If he feels the need to talk to someone else (other than you) then he should tell you that he has this need. Does it not occur to him to speak with an objective third party, like a counsellor?!
Some people can be so persuasive you can tell your OH has been speaking to them - I know what you mean on that score. It is so disrespectful to slag you off. Hidden agenda maybe? I hope you don't believe anything you've read about you? The opinions of those people count for nothing.
He needs to grow up and realise he's not in the playground anymore.

Yes he should stop speaking with his B and SIL.
And you should stop speaking with his parents - I find this even more disrespectful, if I'm honest.

Find someone neutral, a counsellor. For your baby's sake, you should be trying to build a settled and consistent mood in the home and around your DD.

Suggest a counsellor.

Both of you need to stop bringing other members of his family in to your relationship and learn the skills to resolve conflicts by yourself.

Continually bringing in his mum, brother and SIL is just prolonging conflicts.

Marriage counselling from someone trained and not related to you, is what you are after.

Thank you for your reply, just to clarify he knows I have spoken to his parents, I did this after he had started speaking to B and SIL so I’m not doing this in retaliation without telling him. It was more to get an understanding of his perspective from people who really knew him without trying to get that from him and it starting an argument

Thank you for your reply, just to clarify he knows I have spoken to his parents, I did this after he had started speaking to B and SIL so I’m not doing this in retaliation without telling him. It was more to get an understanding of his perspective from people who really knew him without trying to get that from him and it starting an argument

Counsellor, now, both of you

Your relationship sounds very unhealthy and a terrible example to bring a child up seeing. I'd worry more about doing something about that then who he tells

You cannot dictate who he can and can't talk to about your marriage. You might not like them (and vice versa) but he's chosen them for support.

Equally he can't forbid you from speaking to anyone you like. That said, I think you're putting his parents in a difficult position and if I was them I'd expect you to seek support from your own family and friends where possible.

You need to sort out your relationship issues and stop bringing other people into it.

This ^ . You’re modelling how relationships work to your child. What you’re describing is a dysfunctional relationship.

Your poor kittle girl

You need to split up and concentrate on giving her a stable upbringing

I agree with pp that your focus is in the wrong place.

It's clearly causing more problems, him talking to them. He must know they are poisonous yet he's choosing to keep taking 'advice' from them (probably because he knows they'll agree with his side of things and validate what he's doing).

It isn't helpful that you're talking to his parents, mind. They may be much more reasonable and supportive of both of you, but they are still his parents. And while you're talking to them, he will feel vindicated in talking to his db and sil.

BUT, your focus ought to be on your relationship. If you weren't having problems, then who your DH talks to wouldn't be an issue.

Having a 'love hate' relationship is not good for children. It's damaging. They need stability and calmness.

Your focus should be directed at learning to communicate better with your dh. All or nothing love is a pretty poor relationship model to show your dc.

Are they poisonous?

I think if my brother came to me and said he was having repeated explosive arguments with his wife I wouldn't have a lot of positive things to say about her or the relationship. That's natural

It sounds like the relationship is not a good one. Repeated big arguments, fights etc is never good. And it sounds like neither of you knows how to resolve problems when they arrise. You are not modelling a good relationship for your daughter and you need to make a decision to either properly work on the relationship, which will take a lot of counselling and reframing how the both of you manage conflict, or split up

Well your relationship sounds toxic and dysfunctional. 'Love hard and fight hard' just sound like a billshit excuse about how horrible you are to each other. I feel very sorry for your child who is caught up in this with no possible escape. If my brother was in this kind of relationship I would tell him to get out of it, and I would not think much of his girlfriend.

At the least you both need counselling and a step back from the aggression towards each other.

Drama is not cool. Go to couples counselling.