When does talking about an ex get too much?

[Yakkadee]

Hi

I’m just curious about people’s opinions.
If you’re seeing a guy, how often could he mention his ex if at all before you felt some sort of way about it?

He shouldn't. Unless you're both opening up about past relationship/trauma etc.

Me and DP barely mention our exes if at all!

What does he say and how often? I'm assuming this is happening to you or a friend you know?

My boyfriend talks about his ex freely and I talk about my late DH. We agreed that because my bereavement and his divorce were the biggest things in our lives right now, we would support each other. It hasn't been an issue. However, I didn't like my DH talking about his ex wife much. She had behaved very badly and he was bitter. I wouldn't have been so understanding with him, he had been divorced for 8 years when we met though. Boyfriend's divorce is fresh, and he only talks about his ex in context of conversations about how the splitting of the house items are going, the financial settlement, grumbles over who gets to keep the dog. He's not always mentioning her in a hostile or an overly warm way. Either of those would be too much for me. But a neutral, occasionally frustrated reference - that's fine.

It would depend in what context for me.

An occasional conversation-appropriate mention “in passing” or normal co-parenting conversations would be fine

Any bitterness, resentment, bad mouthing or mentionitis would have me taking a hard think about stuff. I’d be telling them I don’t want to hear it, that much I do know. If they ignored that then it would be time for me to set them free to process their clearly unresolved issues with their ex.

Every single time he mentions his ex say "Sarah (or whatever her name is) who?"

By about the 3rd time you do this he'll then realise how often he's saying it and hopefully stop doing it.

You are seeing a guy he should be happy to be around you and have his mind focused on you not an ex. I would soon tire of a man who dropped the ex in conversations all the time.
I have no time for dull, bitter men who can't let go of the past etc dating/seeing a man should be fun.

The only time it's fine is say for instance, they are co parenting and it's about that topic briefly.

I think it depends on circumstance. Both my boyfriend and I talk about our exes quite a bit, but that's because we are discussing child care issues, or timing for days out or whether the kids are round for dinner etc
I'd be pissed off if he just started talking about her outside of these scenarios, just in general chit chat

My DP talks about his ex in terms of coparenting mostly. Sometimes her name will come up if we are talking about going somewhere and he's been with her (or I went with my ex).

Doesn't bother either of us.

If you've started dating and he constantly brings up his ex, that would be too much for me. It depends on context - as when taking about childcare or DC issues where it's relevant os fine but not shoe horning ex into random convos- so someone who brings up their ex even in unrelated convos everytime we meet is someone who has huge baggage and isn't over their ex.

Also it's boring.

There shouldn't be three people in your relationship. "Im not sure why you keep talks about your ex, as it's weird" would be my response.

Surely it's all about context. How recent the separation, the need to have ongoing contact with that person (co parenting) etc.

I find it a bit odd when someone has a real dislike of such conversations. Obviously it should only be in passing but someone that jealous is showing a red flag themselves in my view.

Massively depends on context.

The date who spent most of the time talking about his girlfriend who died... I suggested he takes more time to grieve before trying to find a new girlfriend.

I have exes who are still friends, and I rent off one of them, so I have every expectation of mentioning him from time to time,and new man meeting him at some point. I definitely don't talk about him all the time though.

I'd expect to talk about past history enough that we've an idea of each other's past significant relationships (and why they ended.)

If there are children involved, and finances or other assets involved, it will be inevitable that they are mentioned from time to time.

If they sound really bitter when they talk about their ex, I'd be wary of that, and more so if a whole string of them all turned out to be psychos. That would suggest they either make poor choices (and if so, what does it say about me?) or more likely, never learn anything about their own poor behaviour.

If they're constantly mentioning that, "Sam used to do this really funny thing..." "Chris loved this thing where..." "This always makes me think of my ex," that would suggest they haven't moved on far enough, and that would be mentioning them too much.

This is tricky. I was with my ex for 20 years from the age of 19 - all of my adult life was spent with him, all of my travels and life experiences were with him - how can I not mention him?

I think it would be as odd never to mention a significant ex as it would be to talk about them all the time.

It's not really a quantifiable thing. At the point that it starts to bother me is when it's too much.

The context in which an ex is being mentioned is more significant than the frequency of it.