Can your have a good(or any) relationship with your in laws if they don't care about your dc

[velvetyshoes]

Sorry this is long but I need to get it off my chest.

My in laws have little to no interest in our dc. They will say they do to others and have actually lied about their relationship with our dc to prove how involved they are. In reality they do send a birthday present but have only done this since oldest was 5yo . They often ask after dh or occasionally say hope you're all well but never ask after the dc by name.

Me and dh have tried hard to foster a relationship between dc and their gp but gp are not interested, we have accepted from day 1 they didn't want to babysit or have much involvement but it seems to have dwindled to almost nothing. This year they said they were too busy at their weekly gardening club to call after school on dc 1 birthday.

The thing is every year I host Christmas for them, they come and stay with us every now and then, although not too often and I will host as dh is often out working, I treat them really well when they're here, accommodate any requests from them etc.

I return any messages dh cba to reply to. But dh himself says it's a waste of time now trying to maintain a relationship with people who are so uninterested in our dc.

I want to do the right thing but I am resentful about the situation.

I don't think it was too much to call a young dc on their birthday when dc would have liked to hear from them.
I feel I've done everything I can to allow a relationship here but I have dc all year with no help other than dh and I find it hard to believe that the gp only come for Christmas with us and even then they try to get out of sitting with the dc. Last year they spent the whole day FaceTiming other family members to the extent dc 1 asked why they'd rather do that than spend time with them.

Dh said he's happy to let them go now and let us get on with our own lives. Would it be wrong to simply ignore contact now and let dh deal with them?

Stop hosting them for Christmas. They are not interested in your DC unfortunately. It's not nice but there is little you can do. If your DC are now noticing, why put them through it?

It's DH's parents. Let him handle them.

If that’s really what your DH wants, I think it’s fine to stop making such an effort.

Your husband is right.

Ive been on MN for over 15 years and it’s only the second time I’ve written these words 😬

I would stop making the effort, it's too painful playing happy families with people who don't value your children.

Thanks it's quite sad and I suppose I'll have to get on with it all. I don't have any family so would have really liked to have had them but as pp has said they're just not interested.
Good to know it's ok to let go of the relationship as I do feel a bit guilty. I've massively reduced contact since they didn't want to call dc1 as I couldn't get over how mean that was.
@1VY I know I can't believe I'm agreeing my dh is right !!

Leave them to it or you spend time worrying about it and being upset which is time you could spend doing nice things with your children. In my case it is my parents who are not interested my mother in law was lovely. It’s their loss mine were never interested in me so I am not surprised that has transferred to their grandchildren have stopped telling them anything
to see if they ask (they don’t) x

Thanks @Shortbread49 sorry that your parents are similar. It's rubbish but yes I do worry. At least. I've spoken to dh and he said he never wants them around at Christmas anyway that's my fault! So obviously I am very much in the wrong to have kept it all up.

Yes because your children will notice mine commented on it at the age of 7, I don’t want them to be upset about it in the way I was, I didn’t want to live with mine from secondary school age as they didn’t even notice whether I was happy or sad. Your children won’t miss what they never had

And you can have a nice Christmas without worrying about keeping other people happy x

@1VY 😂😂😂

He’s right, my husbands parents have zero interest in their grandchildren, they’ve met our one year old once, despite them being in the UK eleven times in the last 12 months and spending all of those trips a short tube ride from us. When we visited where they live, they were too busy to even meet in a cafe, nevermind their house.

Why are you trying to facilitate this? If your husband isn’t bothered and the parents aren’t bothered then I would gracefully bow out of trying to force things to happen. He has the primary relationship with them, not you.

Oops - ZOMBIE THREAD

If the OP is still around, how did Christmas go?
I could understand how hurtful their disinterest was and hope you had a good one