Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Separated and struggling

15 replies

HappinesDependsOnYou · 01/08/2022 17:14

Husband has had an affair. Brought to light mental health issues and the affair partner turned out to be not very nice shall we say.

I was desperate for our marriage to work and tried counselling, reading books on better relationships and affairs to try and work on my part of the marriage breakdown as well as getting an understanding of affairs so I could process it better. He on the other hand struggles to show any empathy due to his health and also continued to lie whilst messaging the affair partner. Despite months of being made to feel second best, unattractive and heartbroken I cannot seem to move forward. He won't do what I need to build trust and he cannot give me what I need.

I'm struggling because we have a toddler and I never envisioned being a single mum and losing my time with him. I never envisioned being without my husband who I have been with all my adult life. When I see him I just get filled with anxiety, sadness, anger and heartbreak. How do I keep things civil and when will this pain stop? How can I get over not having my wonderful toddler with me as much as I used to?

OP posts:

Original poster

HappinesDependsOnYou · 01/08/2022 17:16

Must add I had therapy and awas doing really well but gone backwards as he confessed to messaging her a week ago

OP posts:

Lozzerbmc · 01/08/2022 17:20

You cant move forward because he isnt sorry unfortunately. Sorry you are going through this its horrible i know

Original poster

HappinesDependsOnYou · 01/08/2022 17:25

Thank you @Lozzerbmc. I have accepted that the relationship is over but I just can't stop feeling rock bottom. I thought I had got in a really good place and was over him but when he came over I was a wreck again 😪

OP posts:

MintJulia · 01/08/2022 17:30

Sorry you are going through this. He isn't sorry and it hasn't ended yet.

As a single mum, I've been there and it will be fine. You'll be angry and hurt but gradually that will pass and you'll find comfort in leaving and knowing you aren't being lied to any more.

You'll come to see the periods when your child is with their dad in the same way as you did when you left them at home to go to the hair salon. Take it a day at a time. x

1VY · 01/08/2022 17:33

Read the chump lady website.

Get angry.

Try to minimise any contact you have with him.

quietnightmare · 01/08/2022 17:33

It's his turn to hit rock bottom when you end the relationship and take back the poer it will give you strength and he will soon realise what he has lost especially if this other person isn't a very good person. Stay strong OP DO what is best for you. Being single is not the end of the world

Original poster

HappinesDependsOnYou · 01/08/2022 17:44

Thank you for the words of wisdom

@MintJulia I'm going to try see the seperation as the same as a hair appointment kind if seperation. Today is the first over night so need to start thinking that way now!

@1VY I have looked at the website you suggested and it's what I needed to read. I've done the pick me dance for so long it's humiliating

@quietnightmare what you said really struck a cord. I have been protecting him hitting rock bottom and dancing around his health whilst sacrificing my own mental health

OP posts:

Lozzerbmc · 02/08/2022 08:30

When my exh confessed to an affair and ended our marriage it was like the rug had been pulled from under me. We had no kids but I had been with him since 17 and was 35 at the time. I moved into a friends house which we had planned to rent together. He just renewed lease on our old flat and moved in 0W 6 weeks later who slept in the bed we bought together!

It was really painful. He kept saying he wanted to work on the marriage but made continual excuses to end with OW. After two months I realised he never would end it with OW and went no contact.

take each day as it comes. It is harder as you need to see him because you have a child together. You have to find your anger and know that you are worth more and should be treated better.

He has shown no remorse. If he was truly sorry and wanted to make a go of things he would be devastated to have hurt you and would do everything he could to make you see he could be trusted. He hasn’t done this. If you forgive him all you are doing is telling him that you accept the behaviour and he will just repeat it in future leading to more pain. Better to make a break now while your child is young than when your child is older to find it more painful.

I found exercise really helpful - when he’s looking after your child you could go to the gym or a really long power walk. It really helps mental health I think and help rid me of that anxious knot feeling in my stomach all the time.

Get some legal advice to make sure you get everything you are entitled to financially. You need to think about yourself. He is not thinking about you, he is looking after himself and you need to do the same.

You and your child are still a family. You may find it easier looking after your child without him around?!

Know that whilst it is painful now it will get better. Everything changes - nothing stays the same and you will move on in time although it’s difficult to see that now. This difficult time will pass

I can honestly say I’m glad I got divorced. It was the making of me and life has been much better since.

Original poster

HappinesDependsOnYou · 02/08/2022 10:23

Thank you so much @Lozzerbmc for sharing your experience and im sorry to hear you had to go through it.

I go to an exercise class once a week and have been considering getting a membership as I seem to be able to switch off when doing it and feel good after.

I found myself writing him a letter 3 times but ripped each one up as i just keep thinking I am doing it in the hope he will commit to me but he has proven time and again he won't.

You are so right that me and my little boy are a family and nothing will change that. I'm gutted I couldn't give him the solid family unit but that's on his dad not me. I hope he never treats a woman the way his dad and others have. Why can't they just end the relationship if its that bad they need to cheat?

OP posts:

OhamIreally · 02/08/2022 10:34

OP this is a bit of a potted response but having been where you are these are the thoughts I managed to distill down into my truths and I hope they help:

◦	I could have been kinder but so could he.
◦	There will never be a conversation where we talk about how he left and he apologises 
◦	I will not feel guilty about my daughter only having one parent I bring my whole self to raising her
◦	Silence can be its own response 
◦	He has to blame me so that he can look at his own face in the mirror

Original poster

HappinesDependsOnYou · 02/08/2022 10:49

@OhamIreally all of those thoughts are what I need to take on. I agree with all of them and hope one day soon they will also be my thought process. Its so hard not to respond as it feels like throwing in the towel but how can you fight for something that takes 2 alone? I think he wants me to throw in the towel so he can say I gave up. I fought hard but he never gave our marriage or family a chance

OP posts:

OhamIreally · 02/08/2022 11:05

@HappinesDependsOnYou but what are you fighting for? Something that no longer exists. Many men try to get their partner to do the breaking up so that they don't have to. Your relationship appears to be over.

You really have to be kind to yourself. I heard once the phrase "maintain an elegant silence" and I decided to try to do that myself. I haven't always been successful, but for the most part I have, and actually it can be very satisfying to hold yourself apart and keep your dignity.

I'm sorry you're going through this it is so painful.

Original poster

HappinesDependsOnYou · 02/08/2022 11:13

I have been fighting for the future I thought we would have but it was never meant to be @OhamIreally. We even moved house last year for him and now face hefty repayment fees. I may have been able to buy him out in the old house so he has also screwed me financially.

I have done the pick me dance and lost all my dignity. He took everything. I'm going to hold on to the phrase maintain an elegant silence and I'm going to read and re read this thread every day to get my dignity back. I hate what has become of me because of him

OP posts:

Lozzerbmc · 02/08/2022 12:17

Don’t be too hard on yourself but treat yourself as if you’ve been hurt physically you’ve been hurt emotionally and you need to heal and look after yourself and treat yourself with care.

You could write to him and pour out all your feelings, your disappointment, your anger and then dont send the letter, rip it up or safely set a light to the letter and try and let those feelings go… During my break up, I took a backward step when I found out exh and 0W were having a baby (we had tried ivf for years with no sucess). I was devastated and spent the weekend wallowing then on Monday I thought right thats done, move on.

Guess what I’m trying to say is you can allow yourself to be sad, get out your feelings as you are doing with the writing the letter its a cathartic exercise and part of the grieving process. But do know that it won’t last it will get better in time.

Original poster

HappinesDependsOnYou · 02/08/2022 15:14

@Lozzerbmc gosh that must have been so hard to deal with. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Life an be so unbelievably cruel and unfair at times.

I shredded all 3 letters and I'm not sure if I feel better for it but any time I write one I will shred it. Nothing I say makes any difference so I don't want to humiliate myself further but maybe it is therapeutic to at least write it all out. Each letter sounded so different. One angry, one disappointed and the other of someone who had nothing left to give.

I give up self care all to quickly and your right I need to look after myself. I really hope that one day I can look back on myself with compassion and empathy but from a much stronger place

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread