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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling to unlearn toxic behaviours from 15

19 replies

autumnleavesfalls · 01/08/2022 15:49

To summarise; I was with a 17 year old (let's call him John) when I was 15. This relationship lasted 2-3 years on and off, I'm now 26.

John would message every guy he thought I was talking to from my social media lists, message my next boyfriend after him when I broke up with him, would blackmail me and threaten me, and try and turn everyone against me (and he did, he turned my next boyfriend and his friends against me by implying I was cheating which wasn't true).

Now I'm 26, and I am so hyper vigilant in my current relationship. My DP is great, but for example, I am constantly on edge DP will be told something about me, or his friends won't like me (I met them a few months ago and have them on social media) and this will alter his opinion of me.

I'm older now, and I feel so stupid about this. It was over 10 years ago and therapy hasn't helped it! How can I stop living my life in fear when clearly the toxicity that happened was very childish and not the norm at all? It would never happen again and I know this logically, but my nervous system doesn't!

OP posts:
Original poster
autumnleavesfalls · 01/08/2022 16:34

Bump

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 16:49

Have you told DP about how you feel? If so, what did he say? If not, why haven't you?

Original poster
autumnleavesfalls · 01/08/2022 16:53

Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 16:49

Have you told DP about how you feel? If so, what did he say? If not, why haven't you?

@Watchkeys he reassures me I haven't done anything wrong, but the specific friends I have on SM, he hasn't spoke to in months. I keep thinking it's because of me or something "they know" like my previous situation, which is silly as we have no mutuals and they didn't know me or even of me until they met me, we have no similar circles. He thinks it's because we have moved and everyone's busy with their lives, but I keep thinking it's me.

I have quite obsessive behaviours, so I don't want to keep bringing it up to him.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 17:05

I always ask this, but... what was your relationship like with your parents? Were you made to feel worthwhile and confident? Did they listen to and respect your feelings?

The reason I ask is because I suspect that your unhealthy relationship with John was a symptom of a problem that already existed, and is still causing you problems now, rather than your relationship with John being the cause of your woes.

It would feel a lot more valid to still be suffering the effects of a difficult childhood than to be still suffering from a teenage relationship, perhaps?

Original poster
autumnleavesfalls · 01/08/2022 17:09

Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 17:05

I always ask this, but... what was your relationship like with your parents? Were you made to feel worthwhile and confident? Did they listen to and respect your feelings?

The reason I ask is because I suspect that your unhealthy relationship with John was a symptom of a problem that already existed, and is still causing you problems now, rather than your relationship with John being the cause of your woes.

It would feel a lot more valid to still be suffering the effects of a difficult childhood than to be still suffering from a teenage relationship, perhaps?

@watchkeys I lost one parent early on (9 years old) to cancer, and the other one was an alcoholic that looked after me once that happened. It wasn't the best! Constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells and like they were going to drop dead any minute..

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 17:12

Right, well, there it is then.

The John thing isn't the issue. You were trained to walk on eggshells, so that's what you do.

Does that make sense, d'you think?

I'm sorry that happened to you, btw. Sounds really tough Flowers

Original poster
autumnleavesfalls · 01/08/2022 17:14

Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 17:12

Right, well, there it is then.

The John thing isn't the issue. You were trained to walk on eggshells, so that's what you do.

Does that make sense, d'you think?

I'm sorry that happened to you, btw. Sounds really tough Flowers

It does make complete sense! I just don't know how to snap out of it. I did therapy for years and felt like I never had anything valuable to come to the session with, or any major coping tips. I know why things happen, just not how to stop living in this "what if" scenario?!

Thank you x

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 17:22

What do you need? Like, if it didn't matter how ridiculous it seemed? For example, if your partner contacted you every 5 minutes to say he loved you and thought you were amazing, would that help?

Or if he promised never to speak to anybody else?

I know these things aren't feasible or even advisable, but what would appease your emotions, in a fantasy world?

Original poster
autumnleavesfalls · 01/08/2022 17:29

Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 17:22

What do you need? Like, if it didn't matter how ridiculous it seemed? For example, if your partner contacted you every 5 minutes to say he loved you and thought you were amazing, would that help?

Or if he promised never to speak to anybody else?

I know these things aren't feasible or even advisable, but what would appease your emotions, in a fantasy world?

@Watchkeys I wouldn't want my partner to change a thing, I'd just want to know his friends and family liked me and didn't want to do anything to harm us!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 17:32

But surely what they say wouldn't matter, if you trust him?

If someone said horrible things about me to my partner, she wouldn't believe them, so it doesn't worry me. Why are you worried that his opinion will change?

Original poster
autumnleavesfalls · 01/08/2022 17:34

Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 17:32

But surely what they say wouldn't matter, if you trust him?

If someone said horrible things about me to my partner, she wouldn't believe them, so it doesn't worry me. Why are you worried that his opinion will change?

I do trust him, I think I'm more worried they may say something about me that he believes? I keep trying to think of any mistakes I've ever made, and I feel like they will somehow know anything bad I've ever said/done, even though we have zero connection or relationship.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 01/08/2022 17:46

it wasn't childish, it was abusive. And it absolutely could happen again. IF you dated someone like him again.

Maybe part of the reason you haven't got past it is that you haven't admitted to yourself how toxic was and blame yourself for not realising what he was before it was too late.

But none of it was your fault. He was a vile sociopath and and targeted you. Now you are free. Healthy scepticism of the motives of others and listening to your instincts is important. But you also need to work on finding a balance between that and being able to trust people who have done you no wrong.

It's OK to trust your instincts. It's OK to be vigilant But don't let paranoia ruin your life.

Original poster
autumnleavesfalls · 01/08/2022 17:57

Pinkbonbon · 01/08/2022 17:46

it wasn't childish, it was abusive. And it absolutely could happen again. IF you dated someone like him again.

Maybe part of the reason you haven't got past it is that you haven't admitted to yourself how toxic was and blame yourself for not realising what he was before it was too late.

But none of it was your fault. He was a vile sociopath and and targeted you. Now you are free. Healthy scepticism of the motives of others and listening to your instincts is important. But you also need to work on finding a balance between that and being able to trust people who have done you no wrong.

It's OK to trust your instincts. It's OK to be vigilant But don't let paranoia ruin your life.

Thank you, I think you're right. I'm prone to avoidance and shaking things off, then beating myself up for not "getting over it". My partner is the furthest thing away from "John", so no worries there.

It's just been ruling my life for months that someone may sabotage us.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 18:12

autumnleavesfalls · 01/08/2022 17:34

I do trust him, I think I'm more worried they may say something about me that he believes? I keep trying to think of any mistakes I've ever made, and I feel like they will somehow know anything bad I've ever said/done, even though we have zero connection or relationship.

Show quote history

But you're then suggesting that he would trust them more than he trusts you. It doesn't matter what they say; if you trust him, he won't believe them, and he'll turn his back on anyone who speaks ill of you. I think this is a trust thing.

Original poster
autumnleavesfalls · 01/08/2022 18:16

@Watchkeys I agree, I thought this too. I don't think for me personally it's about trusting him, it's more about me feeling like a bad person or there's something inherently wrong with me that would maybe make others not like me despite not knowing me - does that make sense?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 18:19

Completely makes sense, and is, I think, at the core of your problem: feeling inferior, feeling lesser, feeling faulty. The person you really don't trust is yourself. And it's not surprising, given that you're viewing yourself as 'stupid' for having the feelings you naturally have. How else would you feel about someone who criticised you for having your feelings, than distrustful?

Original poster
autumnleavesfalls · 01/08/2022 18:35

Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 18:19

Completely makes sense, and is, I think, at the core of your problem: feeling inferior, feeling lesser, feeling faulty. The person you really don't trust is yourself. And it's not surprising, given that you're viewing yourself as 'stupid' for having the feelings you naturally have. How else would you feel about someone who criticised you for having your feelings, than distrustful?

This is so true, and I know this deep down, it's just been ruling my life for months. I really wish I was living my life, we have so many amazing things going on and I'm just so paranoid it'll come to an end.

OP posts:
Original poster
autumnleavesfalls · 02/08/2022 18:14

Does anyone have any tips?

OP posts:
johnd2 · 02/08/2022 18:40

autumnleavesfalls · 02/08/2022 18:14

Does anyone have any tips?

Sorry it sounds blunt, but try different therapists. None of them are able to help everyone and some situations are more tricky than others.

Good luck! Sounds like you're well on the way

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