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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Women’s Football has triggered me…

23 replies

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 01/08/2022 14:49

My step dad died a few months ago. He was an appalling human being.
My husband is, luckily, not an appalling human being, and he’s watched women’s football for a few years and really enjoyed the win last night.
But for me… my step dad really hated women. The amount of shit he used to say… it’s all come flooding back today, because I know what he thought of women playing football.
“Women are only good for two things, cooking and fucking.”
”You’re all either frigid bitches or nymphomaniacs. All money grabbers, anyway.”
”You’re getting nice boobs.”

Reader, I was 10/11 years old. My mother used to chuckle indulgently and say well it’s not his fault he’s saying that, he’s drunk. And he was, almost all of the time. Including when he ‘accidentally’ stuck his tongue into my mouth when I kissed him goodnight, when I was 12. My mother found out, and told me, again, not his fault, and secondly, ‘you should be flattered that a man finds you attractive.’

As you can imagine, my mental health has been varying degrees of shite, all my life. My mother was also a real piece of work, I could write a book. I’m lucky, I have a lovely family and absolutely nothing to do with my mother, for almost 17 years. But occasionally something triggers the old wounds and I feel 11 years old again, all I want to do is cry in my bedroom. I’m 45 for fucks sake!
I’m hoping tomorrow will be better. It will, won’t it?

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 01/08/2022 14:51

It will be better. You have a wonderful husband and a good life. Revenge is a life lived well.
Have you had therapy? I think it would help.

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 01/08/2022 15:17

Thanks Theimpossiblegirl. I have Borderline Personality Disorder so talking therapies tend to leave me stranded reliving the feelings.
I have had some hypnotherapy type stuff earlier this year which has help me massively. I now feel like a ‘proper’ grown up (mostly!) and the self loathing has gone. I can look in the mirror and give myself a big smile now. I like me. I honestly used to think that day would never come. It’s just that some days really kick me in the fanny, so to speak…

OP posts:
RedTonight · 01/08/2022 15:19

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SummerLobelia · 01/08/2022 15:22

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People can express themselves any way they please.

Particularly when they are writing about their own lives.

HTH.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 01/08/2022 15:24

@RedTonight a woman posts in obvious distress about childhood trauma and that’s the only thing you can think to say?!

Solosunrise · 01/08/2022 15:24

Thank you @SummerLobelia i just reported it.
@ThisIsntDanicaBritannica im so sorry that your parents were shit and the football triggered you Flowers

DesMoulinsRouge · 01/08/2022 15:26

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This isn't AIBU.

Afterfire · 01/08/2022 15:26

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For goodness sakes a woman is sharing some horrific details of her life and asking for help and you’re worried about the way she writes?? You need to give yourself a shake.

ilovesooty · 01/08/2022 15:28

@RedTonight your contribution is disgusting. I reported it too.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/08/2022 15:29

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A member posts a cry for help like this one and THAT's what you see? You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. Of course, you won't be.

OP, the word 'trigger' is possibly revealing in this context. I also experienced CSA and was raped as a teenager. I was also in my 40s that I began to recognize these triggers/flashbacks for exactly what they were. I was diagnosed with cPTSD, and this diagnosis was a lifebelt as this condition is eminently treatable.

Many traumatised people, especially if the trauma happened at an impressionable age, are unaware they're traumatized. Google some of the symptoms and see if there are any you recognize. It's worth investigating. EMDR therapy really is a life/game changer. 18 months of this has given me back the life I didn't even know had been robbed from me, and I've been a completely different woman ever since.

I'm sorry you've had to go through these appalling experiences and that your mother failed to protect you. Flowers

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 01/08/2022 15:29

Because, reader, I felt like it. It made me chuckle in a Stephen King novel many years ago. I haven’t noticed it on mumsnet.
I personally find my experiences with my stepdad far more ‘cringeworthy’ but thanks for the writing tips.

OP posts:
WhatWouldHopperDo · 01/08/2022 15:34

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Of all the awful experiences @ThisIsntDanicaBritannica wrote about in her OP - was it really necessary to single out this one sentence to bash her about? Does it make you feel better about yourself?

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 01/08/2022 15:36

MarielVanArkleStinks you hit the nail on the head. Dh really thinks I have CPTSD, I’m not so sure… so I suppose that fits!
I’ll look into EMDR.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 01/08/2022 16:06

Be kind to yourself. Can you imagine, the sad abusive twat must be rolling in his grave. Sold out Wembley, Champions of Europe etc. I wouldn’t be chuckling, I’d be guffawing!!!

Have a quiet word to your 11 year old self and tell her that despite the shit she had to grow up with, that the 45 year old her, did good. Your 45 and 11 year old selves should be damn proud of yourselves!!!!!

Triggers are shit, ride it out knowing that you can and will get through it.

England was blinding last night and I hope their success has riled up many a misogynist arsehole.

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 01/08/2022 16:15

Thank you all for being so kind.

I must admit I’m loving the fact women’s football is getting so much recognition, he’d have been raging. He was also sure that there would never ever be a black President in the US!

OP posts:
RamblingEclectic · 01/08/2022 16:17

Tomorrow will most likely be better. You've already made your tomorrows better with how you've build your life since all the shite they did to you.

Having trauma dysregulation set off and like that, especially in the midst of a good time, is horrible and I hope you ride it out soon.

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 01/08/2022 16:17

I think he may have approved of The Orange President though. He always said ‘Hitler had some good ideas, you know’ - super funny as the family that were kind enough to unofficially adopted me out of his house were Jewish!

OP posts:
ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 01/08/2022 16:19

<off to google trauma dysregulation>
Thank you, Rambling x

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/08/2022 16:30

England was blinding last night and I hope their success has riled up many a misogynist arsehole.

And there's no better place to find a misogynist arsehole than in the Daily Mail comments. I had to go and have a gander, already knowing what I'd see. Their angst is delicious!

Hopeandlove · 01/08/2022 16:39

Because that child was utterly defenceless and experienced abuse physical emotional and sexual on a daily basis and because the parents that were supposed to protect you failed utterly as human beings. Utterly. Op your post is her voice - she wasn’t listened to she was given a voice and you need to be heard. That child needs that to grieve to be heard and to be believed.

telling my counsellor about the abuse I suffered felt endlessly pointless but it did validate me and allow me to understand the abuse wasn’t me and wasn’t my fault it was the fault of adults. It changed me as a person and for a time made me weaker and unable to fully function now it has helped as I understand that it was abuse plain and simple and they are the sick and twisted ones not me that the whole narrative is for them to justify it but that is not the truth or indeed the reality. It’s taken a year of counselling to get there. For me a book, a place, a saying or their voice in my head sometimes takes over but I know it will pass and the real truth the real me is stronger.

MangoBiscuit · 01/08/2022 16:46

Oh that's shitty OP, sorry it's all hit you again. Another voice recommending looking into EDMR, or one of it's offshoots. I ended up opting for using the rewind technique with my therapist, was far more effectiive than I thought it could be.

Georgeskitchen · 01/08/2022 16:52

Poor you. What a vile individual yoir mother chose to marry
Hope tomorrow is a better day x

HappyBinosaur · 01/08/2022 16:52

@ThisIsntDanicaBritannicaJust to echo what a PP suggested, EMDR can be incredibly effective for trauma and I’ve found it life changing. It helps you to connect with the feelings that you had as a child and process them.

I hope tomorrow is better but for today make sure you try to be kind to yourself x

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