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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel trapped

16 replies

christmascrackers22 · 01/08/2022 12:51

Hi this will probably be long so apologies in advance .

I have been with my fiancé 12 years and it has been tough. He has bi polar which he won't take medication for because after a few days of taking it it makes him tired and he stops . He then goes mad on me saying there's nothing wrong with him . I have put off having a baby because I don't want a child growing up with his moods and him/her thinking why is daddy in a mood with me .

He makes out everything is my fault. He wore me down so much at the start that the first few years I as in one hell of a mess and started getting awful anxiety. I came close to ending it all because of how low I felt but finally plucked up the courage to get helps

The tablets I am on now have saved my life. The only down fall is it's made me not want sex .
He's give me an ultimatum to get off them or he leaves. I tried getting off them and by day 4 I was severely sick so went back on them. For the last few days he's been saying he wants
To go there's morning between us and he doesn't love me . But he hasn't left . I don't know why I get up set about him leaving because we don't do anything together and never have . He has no interests apart from a pub and football . Me I love the outdoors , walking , beaches , stars. He calls me sad for liking this stuff .

He just phoned me and again said he feels like staying in work because he doesn't want to see me. I wish I was strong enough to go home and bag all his stuff and leave it outside . But I can't . It's like he's got a hold over me and I don't know what it is . I feel like I won't cope with out him but I know I can deep down .

Has anyone ever been through something similar and left and everything has been ok ?

OP posts:

alwaysmovingforwards · 01/08/2022 12:56

What's stopping you ending the relationship if it isn't working?

FlipFlops4Me · 01/08/2022 12:59

It sounds like there's absolutely nothing in this relationship for you. No joy, no laughter, no love, no sex. Why are you there? Really - what is keeping you there?

Do you have a friend you could confide in, or family member? Someone who could stand by you when you pack his bags and dump them on the front path? Because honestly - it doesn't sound like he's good for you, and if he gives you an ultimatum to get off your meds or he's off, well how much does he care for you? He cares about his dick, not you.

Original poster

christmascrackers22 · 01/08/2022 12:59

Thankyou for replying. This is what I don't know . I would to go home and he would of left . I feel like I can't cope and won't succeed in life with out him . How stupid do I sound !

OP posts:

Original poster

christmascrackers22 · 01/08/2022 13:00

FlipFlops4Me · 01/08/2022 12:59

It sounds like there's absolutely nothing in this relationship for you. No joy, no laughter, no love, no sex. Why are you there? Really - what is keeping you there?

Ha ha I love the ending . That's what I said to him yesterday. Obviously he denied it but again this morning saying about no sex .

OP posts:

yellowsmileyface · 01/08/2022 13:04

That's really messed up of him to try to force you to come off your meds, especially when they're working for you. Was it simply because of the low sex drive?

It sounds like you're both deeply unhappy in this relationship and inherently incompatible.

12 years is a long time, and I imagine that's what's making it hard to leave. The idea of drawing an end to such a long era can feel daunting. But isn't it also exciting? It sounds like you want to end this relationship, and the thing that's stopping you is your mindset, looking at it as something scary rather than a positive change full of possibilities.

yellowsmileyface · 01/08/2022 13:07

I feel like I can't cope and won't succeed in life with out him

It sounds like you're not coping WITH him and he's holding you back in life.

Sapphirensteel · 01/08/2022 13:25

I think it’s called co- deoendency. You feel he can’t survive his bi polar with you, you now feel you can’t sue i over without him— but he’s made you so unwell you’re on medication. Can you see the circle you’re going round in?
This isn’t a healthy relationship for either of you is it?
Honestly, you’re life will not be worse without him. It’ll be a change, you’ll have a period of adapting to that but then you’re free to do what you like with your life.

Staynow · 01/08/2022 13:47

christmascrackers22 · 01/08/2022 12:59

Thankyou for replying. This is what I don't know . I would to go home and he would of left . I feel like I can't cope and won't succeed in life with out him . How stupid do I sound !

That's not love, that's dependency. You need to work on your self esteem because while you think you won't succeed in life without him, in reality you won't succeed in life WITH him.

Coyoacan · 01/08/2022 14:13

You could try therapy, there is a wing of AA for people with codependency, so if there is one near you, that would be free.

But I also note Me I love the outdoors , walking , beaches , stars. That sounds like a great way to deal with a separation. Get out into the countryside or at least into parkland and immerse yourself in nature.

oobeedoobee · 01/08/2022 14:45

Everything you have said is all about HIS illness, HIS desires, HIS wants, HIS needs......

Zero about what YOU want or need....

You seem trauma bonded to this selfish bastard, and you need help to find the strength you need to be able to fight for yourself.

His threat to leave because you are refusing sex is sexual abuse.
His insistance that your health is NOT as important as HIS bloody 'jollies' is abuse.

He is a selfish, nasty, bullying bastard, who no-one else would ever bloody put up with ffs !

Contact Womens Aid, and get help to leave this abusive arsehole for good !

Pompom2367 · 01/08/2022 15:03

It's hard to leave because you have been together for a long time and you can't imagine life without him but you deserve so much better op pack his things you don't deserve to be pressured to stop medicine that helps your mental health

Teddletime · 01/08/2022 15:07

Do you own the house? Is it rented and is he named on the tenancy?
Does he have a right to stay in the house? in which case can you leave?

Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 16:10

Did you have to take care of/put up with a mentally ill, abusive or addicted parent, when you were little?

Original poster

christmascrackers22 · 01/08/2022 20:33

Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 16:10

Did you have to take care of/put up with a mentally ill, abusive or addicted parent, when you were little?

This is why I think I'm the way I am . I grew up in a horrible home when I was a child and teenager . I moved out at 17 . Awful bad violence for years x

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 01/08/2022 21:14

We find people who remind us of the dynamic with our parents. You felt as a child that your role was to endure the hardship and difficulties of those closest to you. Now, if you're not performing that role, you don't really know who you are or how to do life.

Does that make sense, d'you think?

BlueSuffragette · 01/08/2022 22:03

OP this relationship is not healthy. Please leave and get some support/ counselling to help you with the trauma you have experienced as a child and in this relationship. Keep taking your medication and try and find a way to move forward without him. It sounds toxic. You can't stay, a better life is ahead of you without him. Good luck xx

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