Mental Health In a relationship

[LizEarlesnumberone]

I'm sorry but this might be a long one so I dont drip feed.

I'm in a relationship with someone who I love very much but we've both got past mental health issues which we are trying to deal with and not mess up what we have.

I have had medication and counselling in the past due to my past traumas and issues. He has had counselling but he doesnt agree with medication for him so has never took it.

We both have very intense jobs which are at different times, I work 9-5 Monday to Friday and he works evenings and weekends so we dont get to spend loads of quality time together but the time we do have together is lovely.

My (our) issue is the fact we keep upsetting each other with things we say or do, its like he overthinks everything I say and thinks I have ulterior motives and I dont seem to be able to articulate things for him to understand. For example, a few weeks ago I messaged him first thing in the morning while I was at work asking how he was, the usual early morning text. He read the message but didnt reply. 2 hours go by and I message asking if he's ok as he has physical health issues and I was worried he'd hurt himself or there'd been an accident. He then rang me saying theres nothing wrong and to stop trying to control him etc. I was really shocked that he'd taken what I said that way and once he'd calmed down he apologised and said he didnt mean to take it that way but thats what his mind is programmed to do due to past issues growing up and with relationships.

Ive tried so hard to be supportive and he has with me too and I love him so very much but I'm just feeling like I cannot say anything without him either reading too much into it or getting the wrong end of the stick.

He has said he will go back into counselling I'm I'm willing to give it a try for my issues (IAPT) but what else do I do here? Any advice welcome (but please dont tell me to leave him as that is NOT an option).

The fact that he won’t take the medication that could massively help him would be a deal breaker for me.

@KangarooKenny There is a reason he is unable to take the medication as he is already on meds for his physical health with will interact with any anti depressants / anxiety meds unfortunately.

How long have you been together?.

Why is leaving him not an option for you?.

I think you are far more into him than he is into you sadly and this is not a relationship you should be in. You cannot act as either his rescuer and or saviour here in a relationship because neither approach works. Why did you think he’d been in an accident because you had not heard from him for all of two hours?.

Relationships should not be this hard and the two of you are really pushing each other’s buttons all the time. This is not love, this is instead a dysfunctional relationship that is not working.

It sounds like an awful lot of hard work to me, and not something I would bother with. You won't fix him you know.

Could you ask him to not hit 'send' on any messages like that until he's thought it through for some time. His knee jerk reaction was unnecessary and he could have saved himself the whole apology and mutual hurt palava just by not sending it.
So talk to him, ask him if it's true that he has never known you to be controlling or whatever other negative he is primed to expect. If he agrees this is so, then tell him that you understand this is the first place his mind goes because it is learnt from past experiences, but also that the damage it inflicts takes some effort to mend on both sides, so wouldn't it be great if he just parked that message in the drafts section for a few hours to give his conscious thinking mind time to work through if you really deserve to receive that.
If he is worried that you will get more worried or whatever while waiting for that reply, agree he sends you a 'holding message', something like 'time needed please' which means that you will get a reply but you leave him alone while he works through it, so the result is that he can send what he really thinks based on current truth not what he feels based on the past.
If you are both self aware of the damage you are trying to prevent polluting your future a conscious strategy like this could help, because the more often you do this and it helps/works and nothing bad comes of it, the easier it will be to do it in the moment too.

Or if not messages, hold of making the call.
If he won't do meds that's fine, maybe he has very good reason, but this simple thing is easily achievable and would be a practical instant help.
If he won't consider that I would really question if he actually wants to have a healthy relationship with you (or anyone)

@AttilaTheMeerkat He has issues with vertigo and first thing on a morning he gets very dizzy, lives in a house with a lot of stairs so of course I thought the worse. Plus, usually we message each other back as soon as we read the message so it was a bit odd that it didnt happen at that one point. But that is just one example.

I'm not willing to give up on a relationship that is perfect in all other ways. And he has helped me a lot with my mental health so we are as invested in each other.

@TopCatsTopHat Thank you, thats very helpful and a really good idea about either a holding message or not sending a message until we've had time to think about it a bit. I do need ideas from people like yourself who are level headed and not telling me to end it as its too much hard work.

We've been together 5 months now and yes its still early days in the grand scheme of things but to me its not.

I think there's a habit in unhealthy relationships of thinking that unhealthy behaviour can and should be ignored if it's caused by triggers from the past or by mental health issues. But that's not the case. If there's unhealthy behaviour, for whatever the reason, it needs to be sorted out or the relationship needs to end. The cause might make you feel differently about why it has to end (i.e. 'my ex was abused as a child and so was unable to form a healthy attachment in an adult relationship', rather than 'my ex is an adult sized child who couldn't control their temper'), but ultimately, if a relationship is between two people who keep triggering each other, that's incompatibility. If you think you're right together, and that the past is in the way, take a break from the relationship, work on yourselves and sorting out the triggers, then get back together.

But for now, you're just making the past come into the present in its most hurtful form. You are not currently compatible.

First of all, leaving is always an option. Secondly, this is who he is and it doesn’t sound like he’s likely to change or more importantly, wants to change. Yes he’s made noises about counselling but his “this is how I’m programmed” tells you what he really believes. Which means you have to accept that this is who he is and if you so choose, which I do not recommend, walking around on eggshells and biting your tongue.

You may love him but given the past issues of you both, it doesn’t sound like you are compatible. You are responsible for maintaining your mh, don’t jeopardise it by sacrificing it on a relationship that despite your both best intentions, will harm it.

Love doesn’t conquer all, if it did, the MN relationship board would be very empty.

Does talking therapies or counselling ever help? He has said he is going to try that again as it has helped him in the past. And you're all right, I dont want to be walking on eggshells around him but I also dont want him walking on eggshells around me in case he upsets me with something.

We are both very invested in this relationship, we just need a bit of help as to what we can do / where we can go from here. I'm not a person willing to give up at the first sign of problems

5 months! You don’t know this guy at all.

also no response after two hours should not be a medical concern for you as if he was that at risk he would have a community alarm/bracelet thing fitted.

you are asking us for ideas - you cannot change him only your response to him. It’s a bit sad that he is still projecting his childhood onto you.

id be keen to get an update from you in five months as I suspect this is just the start of his turbulence although I do hope I’m wrong!

The fact that you are both willing to invest in a relationship that triggers you both is telling of two unhealthy mindsets.

People with healthy attachment styles recognise that giving up when problems start isn't actually giving up. It's self preservation. If this relationship offers you problems, which it clearly does, then if you stay in it, you simply commit yourself to those problems.

Simply put: stay away from people who trigger you.

Therapies can help if the person in therapy are capable of observing themselves acting out reactions borne of experience (but no longer applicable), can appreciate that this is no longer helpful and do the work to unpick this and learn better ways to behave towards good people they are in a relationship with.

If the overall trajectory is one of self-discovery and healing and genuine desire for change then that's great, onwards and upwards. :)
If it's a half-hearted effort followed by excuses why it's not possible and reasons why the person their inner pysche is inflicted upon should just learn to accept it... then I'm afraid (tragically) they are too deeply damaged or unable to adapt or unwilling to change when it is easier to make someone else accept the problem. Sad though that is, you can't hitch your cart to that horse for forever unless you want to sacrifice your whole life on the alter of their wounds.
Lets hope this guy is the former.

At this stage you don't know which this guy is. I think second chances are great, and why should someone be unable to enjoy a fulfilling relationship because others in their past damaged them - so unfair... but the truth is that not everyone can recover enough to be in a relationship without harming that other person. Sometimes they have to find a fulfilling life through other means than a romantic relationship.

Hopefully the guy you are with, has the determination and ability to make the necessary changes... that would be wonderful. But the momentum and motivation has to come from him because the truth of the matter is that it is easier to drag someone down than to haul someone up. If he can police himself and improve little by little until he is a safe person to hold your heart from one day to the next that's great...

But if you find yourself pulling him along and contantly having to remind him to adopt kinder healthier thinking, rather than him catching himself and beginning to get it right more often than wrong, then you have to remember that some times you have to know when to let go.

I don't think you are there yet, the relationship is fairly new, the feelings are deep and the potential is great. So allow your immense capacity for love to create a place where you can both be safe and become the healed loving people you deserve to be...
But, you can do this without closing your mind to the possibility that intentions don't guarantee success. Keep the goal of a great relationship together in your heart - if you share that equally, but if time goes by and the mountain is too steep to climb don't turn a blind eye, courage comes in many forms - currently it is in you taking a chance on this relationship... one day it might be something else...but meanwhile there is hope. :)

You've been together a hot minute and hardly see each other, it's not love IMO, it's dependence - that is made more clear by you saying that leaving is not an option. You're too dependent and in too deep to see what's healthy, functional and best for your MH. You both need to concentrate on yourselves and getting yourselves into strong healthy positions as these don't sound like past MH issues - for him at least they they sound like current, ongoing issues.

You are saying that you keep upsetting each other but it seems to me that it's just a case of him keep getting upset with you because you do something as innocent as asking how he is. It doesn't appear that you're incredibly intense and needy or in any way unreasonable from what you've posted. You say that you feel you can't say anything without him reading into it or getting the wrong end of the stick and want to know what can you do here - but if the problem isn't you then there isn't anything you can do.

All I wanted to do was to get a bit of advice on how to go forward in a relationship where we both have mental health issues. I dont need the negativity from most of the replies on here as I'm already at rock bottom.

We have spoken in depth and are both booked in for counselling services separately to get to the bottom of our past trauma. Theres things in this world worth fighting for. If it was a child or parent who had mental health issues then everyone would be offering support not telling me to leave them and walk away.

Yes we've only been together for 5 months but we have known each other a long time before we got together and we both have seen first hand what we've both been through. I am certainly NOT needy, and never have been. I have other priorities in my life and I dont need to be in contact with him all the time but when theres been medical issues and something worrying happens then yes I get worried about him, who wouldnt?? Also, it worked the other way around yesterday as I'd text him good night then switched my phone off and went to bed. Woke up to three messages saying he was sorry I didnt get to read his goodnight before I went to sleep and he was gutted he'd not managed to speak to me, I told him I just needed sleep and I sent a message and go to bed not sit with the phone in my hand waiting for him to reply, especially when he's at work.

So we both have mental health issues, we both want to support each other. Just wanted to know if anyone had any experience with both partners having mental health issues and the relationship working. We are both working on this.

If it was a child or parent who had mental health issues then everyone would be offering support not telling me to leave them and walk away

Yes, due to responsibility. You don't have any responsibility to him. And even if you did, you'd realise that the best thing to do with someone you accidentally trigger on a regular basis is to distance yourself from them until they have learned to deal with their triggers. That's the loving thing to do.

If you were both 'working on this' in a way that was effective, you wouldn't be posting here for advice. What you're seeing here is the reality you don't want to accept: there isn't any good advice here except keep your distance. It's like saying 'My house is on fire!!' and everyone shouting 'Get out!!' and you saying 'I don't need your negativity, I don't want to leave my house, I just wanted advice on how to stay here and be ok.'

Op, you sound switched on and self aware. Who shouldn't 2 people who understand each other come together to create something mutually supportive and why shouldn't it work. Maybe you will need to exercise greater patience or tolerance than others might be willing to do as you both navigate around those pitfalls which you didn't ask for and would like to leave in your past. Doesn't mean it isn't worth it, doesn't mean it won't work.
It takes determination to overcome legacy issues and it sounds like you have that.
No one here can know from one tiny snapshot where your relationship is going to go. Your connection sounds pretty special to me given the obstacles of different shift patterns etc it is overcoming. If your dp is as self aware and willing to work on things as you clearly are then I think you're in a good position to succeed. I think it is lovely when 2 people understand each other, goodness knows it is rare enough, hold onto to it when you get it. Value yourself for the casting person you are and what you are offering and you won't go far wrong.