As a man if you never met your DC…

ShoppimgBaget · 2022-08-01T07:11:44+00:00

Not literally, but I mean will it ever play on his mind? I invited ex to birth (outside) to meet dc on the day. Said I’d not invite family until after he had had time with them. I didn’t get a response so sent a photo after they were here, again no response i absolutely cannot stand the man. He is a paediatrician of all things and I find the fact he can go into work with kids all day everyday, talking to parents…just think there’s something a bit psychotic about it. But everyone said ‘when he meets dc he will change and want to be involved.’ Does him NOT meeting DC mean he has literally just forgotten day to day that he has a daughter? It makes me so angry and upset on her behalf. What goes through someone’s mind like that?!

Original poster

ShoppimgBaget · 01/08/2022 08:12

not literally did you forget * that should say!

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HollowTalk · 01/08/2022 08:22

Just to clarify, are you saying that your ex is a paediatrician who doesn't have anything to do with his own child? What reason would he give for that?

Original poster

ShoppimgBaget · 01/08/2022 08:25

@HollowTalk he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to be a dad when I was around four months. I ended things with him shortly afterwards but said I was happy with any involvement he wanted. he’s never provided an explanation as to not seeing DC etc so i have no idea!

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ComtesseDeSpair · 01/08/2022 11:37

A different context (and I am a woman not a man) but as an altruistic egg donor, I know I have two biological daughters out there somewhere; but I don’t feel any connection or attachment to them or have any sense of wanting to ever see them or know who they are. They aren’t really anything to do with me and I don’t ever think about them unless prompted.

So I can generally kind of understand why a man who didn’t want to be a father in the first place, left before you were pregnant enough for it to seem “real”, and has never met your baby, doesn’t feel anything towards it or any think of himself as its father. A mother has a connection with her baby from conception because it’s inside her body; the father just provides some genetic material and only really bonds properly through a relationship after birth.

This isn’t to excuse his behaviour: he helped create a baby and - unless you sabotaged your contraception or lied about using any - then he’s just as responsible as you are for providing for it now it’s here, whether he wanted it or not. But the idea that he should love a baby he didn’t want just because he shares some DNA with it is probably unrealistic.

ManAboutTown · 01/08/2022 11:47

As a man I find it incomprehensible not to want to be involved in the life of your children. I have male friends who all have different relationship histories and non of them are out of touch with their kids even the ones who went through bitter separations or divorces.

I would be gently persistent and perhaps an angle is to point out that if he leaves it to long your child may not want him around. TBH though he sounds emotionally stunted to me

Original poster

ShoppimgBaget · 01/08/2022 11:55

@ManAboutTown ive DM’d you, hope that’s ok.

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qpmz · 01/08/2022 12:01

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/08/2022 11:37

A different context (and I am a woman not a man) but as an altruistic egg donor, I know I have two biological daughters out there somewhere; but I don’t feel any connection or attachment to them or have any sense of wanting to ever see them or know who they are. They aren’t really anything to do with me and I don’t ever think about them unless prompted.

So I can generally kind of understand why a man who didn’t want to be a father in the first place, left before you were pregnant enough for it to seem “real”, and has never met your baby, doesn’t feel anything towards it or any think of himself as its father. A mother has a connection with her baby from conception because it’s inside her body; the father just provides some genetic material and only really bonds properly through a relationship after birth.

This isn’t to excuse his behaviour: he helped create a baby and - unless you sabotaged your contraception or lied about using any - then he’s just as responsible as you are for providing for it now it’s here, whether he wanted it or not. But the idea that he should love a baby he didn’t want just because he shares some DNA with it is probably unrealistic.

But he was in a relationship with and had sex with her knowing the risks. The must have been some emotion involved.

ManAboutTown · 01/08/2022 12:11

ShoppimgBaget · 01/08/2022 11:55

@ManAboutTown ive DM’d you, hope that’s ok.

Of course it's fine and I've DM'd back

PegasusReturns · 01/08/2022 12:33

I have a close friend who has a 12 year old daughter with a man who has never acknowledged her.

He’s a barrister, constantly pontificating on the feckless criminal clients he has who have DC they don’t see with no apparent irony for his own situation.

Original poster

ShoppimgBaget · 01/08/2022 12:40

PegasusReturns · 01/08/2022 12:33

I have a close friend who has a 12 year old daughter with a man who has never acknowledged her.

He’s a barrister, constantly pontificating on the feckless criminal clients he has who have DC they don’t see with no apparent irony for his own situation.

@PegasusReturns thats crazy?! Does he have other DC? Does he pay CM? What’s his reasoning for not ever having met her, did he not see her as a baby? I don’t understand it at all.

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PegasusReturns · 01/08/2022 13:04

The child is the product of a long-standing affair and he has other DC. He’s never paid any maintenance, doesn’t consider it his problem.

It’s quite extraordinary. He cut off all ties with my friend and she’s just been left to it.

PegasusReturns · 01/08/2022 13:06

I know her position is very different to yours and there’s plenty of people who say she got what she deserves but it boggles my mind that you could know you have a child growing up somewhere and take no interest in them at all.

Original poster

ShoppimgBaget · 01/08/2022 13:09

@PegasusReturns did she intend to get pregnant? Surely she can make him pay CM though regardless? I still think it’s insane to not ever know your child. Surely you always wonder?

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PegasusReturns · 01/08/2022 13:14

I don’t think she did intend to get pregnant.

She doesn’t need his money and didn’t want to force him to do the right thing. I imagine she anticipated he would behave better than he has but she wanted to keep the moral high ground so to speak.

I would imagine you’d always wonder, but apparently he does not.

NoShitHemlock · 01/08/2022 15:13

I am you 16 years into the future.....We split up when I was 4 months pregnant and to date he has been in contact once (via Facebook of all things) to tell me all about him. Not once did he mention my daughter (my daughter - not his and not ours). He has never paid a penny towards her and went on to have another child several years later.

We are happy. DD has absolutely no interest in him - she knows she is loved, she has a happy family home and is on course to get excellent GCSE results.
So no, I don't believe he has ever given her any consideration at all and its 100% his loss.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 01/08/2022 22:24

I had an ex who was one of these types of men. I didnt find out all the details till the end and I still dont know the whole truth. But he disappeared from her life when she was a baby, left the country when she was 10 in part to avoid paying child support. And then was surprised when he tried to contact her in her 20s and she never replied. Selfish beyond most peoples imagining would be how I would describe him, looks out for himself and himself alone.