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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP - AIBU here?

6 replies

Juspeto · 31/07/2022 20:20

Me and DP have been together a couple of years and I’m 4 months pregnant. I recently had to move to a relatives to support them through a difficult time. The house is huge, he’s welcome there and we’d have our own space. It’s an hour ish from our current place.

Im staying for 7 weeks before my sibling takes over for a couple of months. So far, DP has been totally miserable about coming over. It’s really upset me. He hasn’t bothered to come over in the week but what’s bothered me most is that come Friday he doesn’t jump in the car to maximise the weekend together, in fact last weekend he turned up on the Saturday at 8pm after we had talked about spending the day/afternoon together.

it’s like this all the time and I’m starting to feel like a bit of a mug. I’ve asked him why it’s such a problem and he just says it’s a long way and that the house isn’t comfortable or is cold etc… ridiculous things really because we have a lovely double bed and loads of space and our own time. Im not spending 24/7 looking after my relative, it’s just general support at my own leisure and having someone around. My relative is pretty much in a separate annex and he doesn’t need to even see them.

he left last Sunday at 7pm, I don’t know why he needed to leave so soon as we’d talked about watching a film but he made it clear he had to. I called him at 10pm and he was extremely drunk… made me think he’d just rushed off to have a binge session instead of being together.

he’s also been really cold and distant when with me, it’s very obvious he doesn’t want to travel or be here.

maybe I’m being clingy and so on. I feel a bit pissed off as I did this journey for the first year of our relationship, going to see him and fit around his work etc. I’m just a bit fed up that for a short time of 7 weeks he can’t just pull his weight and make the effort. It’s almost like as soon as any demands are on him he changes his attitude towards me. AIBU?

OP posts:
ipswi · 31/07/2022 20:51

No, it's not you. he's being totally unreasonable

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/07/2022 21:02

He sounds very unsupportive of you being there. Do you know why? The distance and cold etc are red herrings.

Is it the caring for the relative or the pregnancy? Was it planned and something he was happy about? It sounds like he’s got a taste of the single life tbh and isn’t keen to be taken away from it.

Bun1 · 31/07/2022 21:06

Sounds like all is well when it’s you making the effort, but when he’s required to make some effort his true colours show and he sounds pretty selfish.

oobeedoobee · 01/08/2022 10:38

You hit the nail on the head when you said ''It’s almost like as soon as any demands are on him he changes his attitude towards me'', except it's 100% true.

What do you think he'll be like when your 'demands' on him increase exponentially once you've given birth and have a newborn to care for while trying to recover from the actual birth ?

I'd put money on him being even more 'unreasonable' and 'demanding' once that happens !

He's going to be all sweetness and light, provided YOU are doing 100% childcare, feedings, night wakings, laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning, cooking etc etc

And if you're not ? He's going to start in with the 'You're the Mum !' and 'You're on maternity leave, sitting around doing nothing all day !' and 'I need to relax and have time for myself !' etc etc

So, your choices are


  1. Have the baby, and be prepared to sacrifice 100% of all your time and effort pandering to his demands, all day, every day, forever.

  2. Set the 'ground rules' now, and get ready to fight tooth and nail to force him to 'step up' NOW, and to continue to do so after the birth, with frequent 'reminders' when he starts reverting to 'type' i.e selfish, immature prick.

  3. Don't have the baby, and settle for dedicating your life to pleasing him.

  4. Don't have the baby, and dump his immature, selfish ass.

  5. Have the baby, and dump his immature, selfish ass, which you are then 'tied to' for the rest of your life because you share a child.


He's showed you exactly how 'important' to him you are, which is not very. Now you need to decide whether or not you are prepared to 'settle' for crumbs and selfishness, or not...

Juspeto · 01/08/2022 10:44

he often says he is tired from work and too busy etc. But it’s not that far and it’s made me feel terrible for wanting to see him. When he turned up so late and so on it just made me feel like a bit of a mug.

OP posts:
oobeedoobee · 01/08/2022 11:47

Sorry OP, but 'tired from work' and 'too busy' simply mean 'I can't be arsed' !

Do you really think that is an OK way for him to feel and act ?

You are not his 'priority', or even simply worth putting any energy or thought into at all ffs ! He knows he's upsetting you, and he couldn't care less !

You're pregnant, working, tired and emotional, and his reaction is 'meh, who cares ? I CBA with you.'

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