Husband drinks too much

[21jlb]

I am really at my wits end and don’t know what to do.
My husband has always been a drinker and it often causes problems with our relationship. It just keeps getting increasingly worse.
He drinks everyday after work and for about 7 hours on his days off. He has made it part of his routine.
He will focus his day around drinking and then eat really late at night. It’s impossible to go out for a family meal with our kids as he will either be drunk and cause problems or he will prefer just to drink and eat later.
Our kids are 15, 10 and 8 and they know when he is drunk and make comments to me about it.
He ruins lots of days out and we haven’t had one holiday that hasn’t been tarnished by his drinking. Even our wedding day was ruined because of it.
I try all the time to address it with him and tell him that me and the kids have had enough but he doesn’t care, he gets defensive and turns it around on me.
About 5 years ago he went on a detox alcohol programme through the doctor but only stayed off it for 2 weeks. He rarely has a day off.
I just want him to stop, which he won’t. I don’t love him anymore and all we do is argue. I hate him being home and spending days off with him.
I know it would be better to leave but we both wouldn’t financially be able to cope.

Your wedding day was ruined by his drinking?

How much more of your lives are you prepared to let him ruin with his drunken behaviour?

Don’t let the supposed fact you and or he won’t be able to cope financially stop you here from leaving your drunkard husband. His needs are NOT more important than yours here, thinking otherwise is codependency. Seek legal advice and work on leaving from that standpoint and not from any supposition of yours re finances.

He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

Your children will also thank you for leaving him, what are they learning about relationships here from you two?. Currently it’s a shedload of damaging lessons. Do not continue to put him ahead of them because in their eyes this is what you are doing.

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to those affected by another persons drinking. At the very least read their literature, if possible go to their meetings. Your children are all affected by his drinking too, they should talk to Al-ateen.

He won’t stop drinking, it’s pointless trying to make him. I am the child of an alcoholic and your description sounds very familiar.

You may decide to tolerate it but when your children leave home they may not. They may not come back home and it may be harder for you to see and know your grandchildren. They may also end up becoming resentful at you too for not working out a way to protect them, if they aren’t already.

the outcomes for children of alcoholics aren’t great and if there is any way you could get by financially, even if it reduces your quality of life in other ways, i would consider it.

If you are going to stay, you can help protect them by being transparent about what is happening and how it’s not okay and it’s no one’s fault. That they can talk to someone else outside the family about it if they need to. There is support available for children of alcoholics. Often people feel the need to keep this a secret which is very bad for children. Being open helps to protect them from feelings of shame. Make sure you have other adults to talk to about your feelings so they don’t feel they have to be your support

Good luck

"I don’t love him anymore" time to leave then. I can't believe you've put up with this for so long. He might stop drinking if you all leave him (as in reaching rock bottom) but he might not. It's literally not your problem. Even if your children do still love him they are old enough to understand why you as an individual need to live apart.

I read this and wondered if I forgot posting. For me it's the little bit of hope that keeps me here (well that and keeping my youngest safe but that's a whole thread of its own). No advice unfortunately, just an wanted to say I totally get what you're going through!

You need to end the relationship. Why are you wasting your life on this man? It may be hard financially and it will be a big adjustment but I don't think you have much choice.

Look into what help is available to you and your children. Your husband won't stop drinking unless he wants to do it.
Good luck OP

Ohisay

I would urge you to make the break, do not stay for the sake of the child. Hopes of him changing are futile and waste valuable energy on your part.

You cannot protect yourself, let alone your kids here, from his alcoholism. This is not called the family disease for no good reason, everyone is affected by the alcoholic. Do you think also that such a man would want to look after his children post separation, he may demand such but in reality they could in his eyes interfere with his drinking time and or working week.