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Original poster

Inscription on a headstone

27 replies

GF79 · 31/07/2022 16:22

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a quandary and am hoping someone might be able to help me through it.

My mum died in 2001 at the age of 50 and was buried near our family home, a place still local to me. My dad never remarried and remained on his own in our family home, but had 2 long term partners until he died in 2021.

Many years ago he'd expressed a wish to be cremated when he died and told me where he'd like his ashes to be scattered.
After the funeral, I spoke to close family and friends and we decided that given how his life had evolved since that conversation, he'd also be happy for some of his ashes to be scattered in other places that had become special to him as well as some with my mum and the remainder at the place he'd mentioned many years ago. So this is what we have done.

My mum's headstone, chosen by my dad, has space for a further inscription (in the 20 years of visiting the graveyard with him until he died, it never occurred to me that this space would be for him :-(). I very much want to pay tribute to him here but am not sure how to do so given a) he isn't buried there and b) he had several partners since my mum died.

Is it OK to say beloved husband (as well as father and grandfather, which keeps it in the tone of my mum's inscription) even though he'd had other relationships since being married? He and my mum were together for 30 years and were very happy together. He spoke about her fondly often after she died, with his children as well as his partners and friends.

I really do feel that he (and my mum) would have been happy with our decisions about his ashes but am really feeling stuck as to how engrave the headstone. Maybe I'm over thinking this to put it off, as it's another reminder that he isn't here any more, but I also want to do him justice (in much as anyone can in a few words on a headstone).

All kind thoughts and suggestions welcome :-).

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 31/07/2022 16:28

I think it sounds fine to add him to your Mum's headstone, they were happily together for a long time. His subsequent relationships didn't change that.

I know how strange it feels. I went with my Dad to the funeral directors to discuss my Mum's headstone. The director mentioned that it would be for my Dad one day as well....and it threw me as I'd not thought ahead to that.

venusandmars · 31/07/2022 16:40

Could you add in something like 'dearly loved friend and companion' in recognition of his subsequent relationships (assuming they were meaningful)?

Original poster
GF79 · 31/07/2022 17:01

PragmaticWench · 31/07/2022 16:28

I think it sounds fine to add him to your Mum's headstone, they were happily together for a long time. His subsequent relationships didn't change that.

I know how strange it feels. I went with my Dad to the funeral directors to discuss my Mum's headstone. The director mentioned that it would be for my Dad one day as well....and it threw me as I'd not thought ahead to that.

Thank you for your response. You're right I guess, his subsequent relationships didn't change that.

I can see why that threw you at the funeral directors and I hope your dad was OK too, it's awful to have to think ahead like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
GF79 · 31/07/2022 17:04

venusandmars · 31/07/2022 16:40

Could you add in something like 'dearly loved friend and companion' in recognition of his subsequent relationships (assuming they were meaningful)?

That's a good idea, thank you. I'm now wondering if I should contact the engravers and see how many characters I have, which will influence things too!

OP posts:
PMAmostofthetime · 31/07/2022 17:10

@GF79 I think it would be lovely to write beloved husband- after all of your mum was still alive there wouldn't have been any other x

Clymene · 31/07/2022 17:15

I don't think you need to mention the other partners. It's your mum's headstone. He was her beloved husband.

Ludoole · 31/07/2022 17:21

I lost my husband and today is my anniversary, despite being with another long term partner. We never divorced.

Follow your own heart. If they loved each other enough to stay married then I'm damn sure a descriptive has been earned. ❤️

Original poster
GF79 · 31/07/2022 17:25

Ludoole · 31/07/2022 17:21

I lost my husband and today is my anniversary, despite being with another long term partner. We never divorced.

Follow your own heart. If they loved each other enough to stay married then I'm damn sure a descriptive has been earned. ❤️

Thank you, your message has brought a tear to my eye! I'm very sorry for your loss and hope you're able to mark the occasion today x

OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 31/07/2022 17:31

Does the rest reference children/grandchildren?
And also Arthur Smith, beloved Father and Grandfather?
Are you allowed to include people not buried there?

HaveringWavering · 31/07/2022 17:33

Are either of your Dad's subsequent partners still alive? If they are alive, were they still on good terms?

My Dad died in his fifties and my Mum had a long term relationship in her late fifties /early sixties until her second partner sadly died too. He was a widower. They both were very open with each other about how much they had loved their late spouses. I think my Mum genuinely had some times with him that were more carefree and joyful than with my Dad, as they were both retired and travelled a lot, whereas with my Dad there were all the pressures of work and kids.

My Mum was added to my Dad's headstone as his wife. We didn't put any reference on there to her partner but reading this I am now thinking that we should have done, "companion" would have been nice. If he had not predeceased her we might have thought to do it at the time. He doesn't have a stone as he and his wife were both cremated.

Original poster
GF79 · 31/07/2022 18:56

SpiderinaWingMirror · 31/07/2022 17:31

Does the rest reference children/grandchildren?
And also Arthur Smith, beloved Father and Grandfather?
Are you allowed to include people not buried there?

Good question about whether it's permitted... I'll make some calls this week. I guess it's adding words of memorial, which does happen in other situations when bodies aren't at the same spot (cenotaphs etc)? No doubt there's some bureaucracy around it (I'm in England!).

For my mum it says beloved wife and mother, even though she was many things to many people. My dad will have had his reasons for this, that he understandably didnt discuss with us (we were young at the time). So maybe adding 'companion/friend' etc to my dad's which will say husband, father and grandfather would put things a bit out of kilter? Maybe I could add 'both loved by many' or words to that effect at the end instead...

OP posts:
Original poster
GF79 · 31/07/2022 18:57

PMAmostofthetime · 31/07/2022 17:10

@GF79 I think it would be lovely to write beloved husband- after all of your mum was still alive there wouldn't have been any other x

This is very true. Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
GF79 · 31/07/2022 20:55

HaveringWavering · 31/07/2022 17:33

Are either of your Dad's subsequent partners still alive? If they are alive, were they still on good terms?

My Dad died in his fifties and my Mum had a long term relationship in her late fifties /early sixties until her second partner sadly died too. He was a widower. They both were very open with each other about how much they had loved their late spouses. I think my Mum genuinely had some times with him that were more carefree and joyful than with my Dad, as they were both retired and travelled a lot, whereas with my Dad there were all the pressures of work and kids.

My Mum was added to my Dad's headstone as his wife. We didn't put any reference on there to her partner but reading this I am now thinking that we should have done, "companion" would have been nice. If he had not predeceased her we might have thought to do it at the time. He doesn't have a stone as he and his wife were both cremated.

Hi, yes they are both still alive. He was on good terms with the first and still with the second.

I'm leaning towards adding something like 'both loved by many' towards the end to make it feel more balanced. I don't think I really want to specifically mention his most recent partner as she's not been very nice to my brother and I since my dad became unwell and I don't want this as a reminder every time I go to the cemetery to pay my respects to my parents. I am very grateful for your comments and everyone's to help me think this through, thank you!

I think on balance, if you chose an inscription based on what felt right at the time then your mum would be happy with that. Hindsight is a wonderful thing! At the end of the day, if the people that were loved knew they were loved then that's a good thing. Headstones are a reminder but ultimately you know that she found happiness again and was grateful for that, as her 2nd husband did, whatever the words say x

OP posts:
Original poster
GF79 · 02/08/2022 16:18

Clymene · 31/07/2022 17:15

I don't think you need to mention the other partners. It's your mum's headstone. He was her beloved husband.

Thanks for this, it's what I've been thinking now too.

OP posts:
Original poster
GF79 · 02/08/2022 16:20

SpiderinaWingMirror I've spoken to the cemeteries office and they've said it's fine to have a memorial to someone even if theyre not laid to rest there and that actually it's very common. You learn something new every day...

OP posts:
medianewbie · 02/08/2022 16:25

I'd have 'beloved H of Mrs X, Father, Grandfather' etc on the headstone.

He was also be-loved of his later partner (s) but this stone pertains to your Mum & Dad's relationship.

WhenDovesFly · 02/08/2022 16:31

Hi OP, funeral arranger here.

You need to speak to the cemetery as they may have specific rules if the ashes have just been scattered and not formally interred. To get round it you could put something like "and in memory of xxxxx".

WhenDovesFly · 02/08/2022 16:31

Sorry, cross post

sorryiasked · 02/08/2022 16:34

Check that you don't need to put 'ashes elsewhere' on the inscription as that is a requirement in all of our local burial grounds.

Original poster
GF79 · 02/08/2022 17:53

Fair point, well made! Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
GF79 · 02/08/2022 17:54

Thank you. They didn't mention it on the phone but I will double check!

OP posts:
Original poster
GF79 · 02/08/2022 17:54

H wow, really? I've never seen that anywhere. Are you in the UK?

OP posts:
Lottylove · 02/08/2022 18:01

My parents have a headstone and neither are physically buried there. I would say you’ve spent a lot of money on a memorial stone, inscribe it as you wish as long as it doesn’t say ‘here’s lies buried’ and is misleading

vjg13 · 02/08/2022 19:35

I have some family members buried in a Welsh cemetery and another family member scattered some ashes nearby, the headstone was redone but there was an issue including the later family member as the ashes weren't officially interned there.

WhenDovesFly · 02/08/2022 20:02

Lottylove · 02/08/2022 18:01

My parents have a headstone and neither are physically buried there. I would say you’ve spent a lot of money on a memorial stone, inscribe it as you wish as long as it doesn’t say ‘here’s lies buried’ and is misleading

It's bad advice to day inscribe it as you wish. You have to follow the rules of the cemetery and if you're in England the mason will need to get a permit for the wording approved by the cemetery.

Just speak to the cemetery to explain the situation and ask if they e got any restrictions on how it can be worded.