Mums death and sibling problems

[MrsCocochannel]

I will try to keep this short, my mum died this week. My sister has been estranged from the family for 20 years. She has 2 kids 22 and 24. My mother saw them up until age 2 then never again Last year she tried to reconnect with my parents for money reasons only, she got remarried and bought a new house. The reconnection lasted weeks then nothing again. We both live around a mile from my parents. I on the other hand have been a normal daughter, my kids 18 and 20 have always been around them, i visit them, look after them etc ...normal stuff. I had to tell my sister she died and nows shes back on the scene playiing fake supporting my dad. My dad has already discussed with me splitting some inheritence money 50/50 with my sister. I dont think my mum woud have wanted this. My sisters attitude really riles me up and i have to keep stopping myself from messaging her my thoughts. The funeral is next werk and i know ill have cross words with her for showing up. How do i handle this?

Just let her mourn her dm.
And keep the inheritance...
If that would be your dm's wishes...

Am sure the dad would have known if the mum didn't want to give money to the dsis so wouldn't have suggested it?

Im sorry for your loss, but what you think about inheritance doesn’t matter.
If your mum left a will, you have to follow it (unless it has illegal terms in it, eg in Scotland certain relatives cannot be disinherited)
If your mum didn’t leave a will, the inheritance is split according to intestacy laws.

You don’t get to disinherit your sister.
Nor should you bar her from the funeral or have “cross words” with her.

I am very sorry for your loss.
I would strongly advise against doing anything your sister can hold up as unreasonable behaviour from you.
It is fairly likely that all your parent’s money is your father’s now unless your mother had a will which stipulated that her estate was distributed other than directly to him in which case what he thinks is irrelevant. If your mother’s estate has now passed to your father it is his to distribute as he sees fit.

It's none of your business.

Even though they had a difficult relationship. She was still her. She will also be grieving (maybe for the lost relationship).

The money I bet your dad and her have had previous discussion.

In my opinion niether of you should get anything. It should all go to your dad. And then on his death it gets split evenly between the two of you

So sorry about your Mum

Did your Mum leave a will or is your Dad just passing on cash and effects ?

If your mum left a will I would say keep the inheritance as it's what she wanted - she could have split her estate between both her daughter and / or her grandchildren, but if she made a will, that's an active choice on her part.

I appreciate it's tricky but you will need to have a bit of a chat with your Dad either way - point out about any will and the likelihood of your sister disappearing once again any money is divvied out. You need to let him know how you feel about your sister swanning in after all this time and that if there is to be any reconciliation, it will take time.

At the funeral - I would keep your distance. Again - you'll need to talk to your Dad - is the plan you follow the hearse in a funeral limo as a family ? and if so whose going in the limo ? Prime partner and another close family / friend to keep watch and deflect any attempts to talk to you, maybe say you'll contact her after the funeral and wake when emotions aren't quite so raw.

Did you benefit at all financially from your close relationship with your mother over the years, whereas your sister wouldn't have done? Worth taking in to account mentally ...

I know my DM wants to split everything 50:50 with myself and my sibling (her estranged child) which really doesn't sit well with me; but she does treat us occasionally with large purchases and I know he doesn't get similar treatment ....

Your Mum made a will leaving you an inheritance? If so, that’s what she wanted, please follow her wishes. If your Dad feels differently then he can make arrangements in his will.

Sorry for your loss but this isn't about you. Like pp say, if mum left a Will then the inheritance if there is any is honoured. Your dad may just get everything anyway and maybe if he wants to give your sister some money thats his choice. Dont have words or text.

I am so sorry for your loss. You & your family have clearly been a loving and supportive unit for your parents. You’ll really miss your mum, I’m sure. ❤️

With particular regard to the funeral….

Behave with dignity & keep your distance. Do not create a side show for others’ to be upset (or entertained) by, especially your dear dad.

I hope all goes well with peace & calm throughout the day.

Thanks everything you all say makes sense.There is no will so everything goes to my dad. Its a decision he has made. I am not barrying her from attending the funeral. Im only cross as i know how upset she made my mother over her 20 years of absence. I had to witness the damage she caused and its lifelong effect on my mum. To be honest the money isnt an issue. My dad said mum and him didnt discuss it. She died suddenly of a heart attack so there was no estate planning. My sister is a nasty piece of work who disowned her dying husband and made him move out to his parents to care for him. She threw her 16 year old step son out when his dad died as he wasnt hers and she couldnt be bothered with him. She stole from my gran when she was alive and when she died. Shes broke up peoples marriages with her affairs. There isnt enough space on here to tell you hoq she has conducted her life and perhaps that doesnt matter. She has no values or principles and her appeoach to my mums death is purely financial.whats making me cross is tge crying emojis on her facebook and people genuinely feelin sorry for her loss when she hasnt seen my mum for 20 years.sorry just venting my anger. I know my mums thoughts on my sister as we often discussed it. Sometimes i just wanto say words my mum was too soft to say to her

You sound like you have a different relationship to her than your dad has.

Just keep your contact as low as possible
She sounds as though she has difficulty with coping and perhaps not very well or stable.

You are understandably a bundle of emotion right now.

The money should just go to your dad. Then it will be spilt when he goes

It's a tough time for all

Stay as far away from her as possible.

Don't allow your father to guilt you into contact.

The estate goes to your father so do not bother stressing over his decisions of the future.

They are his to make.

Grieve your mum and mind yourself.
Do your level best to avoid her and protect yourself.

Avoid her on SM, it will only annoy and upset you, which is a distraction from your grief and shock.

Thanks for your responses, they have certainly calmed me down. My dad is giving us money for tax purposes so it makes sense. Tbh i wish he would keep it. My dad doesnt have a relationship with my sister, he also hadnt been in her life for 20 yrs at her request. He just thinks its the right thing to do so as you all point put its his choice so i just need to respect that and stay clear of her on the day.

Honestly. Get through the funeral. Keep the high ground. If your Mum felt that way about inheritance, she could have done something about it but didn't. Likewise, it's gone to your Dad. It might get spent before it gets to your generation.
Don't come down to her level, trust me.

My DF was the same way. One of my brothers and one of my sisters hated him and had been no contact for almost thirty years until the day he died- he never met those grandchildren. Never was even sent a photo of them. My sister and brother caused him no end of grief as he didn’t deserve that at all in my opinion.

But my DF love for we children was unconditional. He said to me many times he didn’t need them to love him or do anything for him, he was still their Dad and loved them. He said only fair thing was to divide his estate equally among all his children. He passed away a year ago, and that’s what his will stated…equal share for all of us.

I mean feelings get complicated in situations like that. I’m not happy my sister and brother get a reward for treating our Dad so poorly. But then I think if I were in the same situation and one of my DC went off the rails would I withhold love? Disinherit them? I don’t think I would.

Just to be clear hes sharing the money now not making future plan so im not stressing about his future inhertence plans. He has enough for his future. this is extra he wants to give us now in account of my mother dying and my sister may even get the money as early as next week.

It might be a good thing to give her money - if that is all she cares about it will send her on her way so you and your dad can grieve properly.

I am so sorry though - you and your mother deserve so much better. She sounds vile. You won't be able to reason with her by the sounds of it and remember she has lost any opportunity now to have a relationship with her mother. She has no happy memories to cherish like you. The money won't make up for that.

What a horrible situation

Very good advice.
Deepest sympathy to you on the death of your mother OP.

There's an old saying my grandparents had not sure it's true though "She'll have no luck with that money "
In other words she didn't deserve that money so she won't have luck with it.

I'm sorry about your mum .

When my dad died (the last parent to die - my dad had two wives who died young, whilst their DC were still children) we had a somewhat similar situation with estrangements. There was no will (last one was written before my father remarried nearly 30 year ago so void). My brother and I tracked down his two estranged biological children (half siblings to us and older) and his two step children (no contact since their mother's (dad's wife's) funeral 8 years prior) and split the estate. I have every confidence that if my dad had died first that his step children would not have passed a penny on to us when their mum died. Moot point though - we weren't going to lower ourselves to their standards and we have zero regrets several years later. They can have the money but I don't want to see or hear from any of them again.

I’m sorry for your loss.
Concentrate on getting through the funeral and then processing your own grief.

The crying emojis —- I’ve two friends who’ve lost mother’s in the last few years, neither of them got on with their dms. They’d both ( separately) moved across the world to get away from them. Yet now they’ve died, one talked about “ mummy” ( never heard her use that before in all the years I’ve known her) as if she was her best friend. Everything was mummy this and mummy that.
The other made a huge thing about having her mother’s ashes turned into jewellery for herself and her daughter, and having a long and complicated report about her mother in the local paper. It’s truly weird and I can only think they’re changing the narrative to how they wanted the relationship to be.

My dad died last year. I'm still sorting the estate. My eldest brother never visited even when I told him dad didn't have long. He stopped calling dad when he had early signs of dementia because he couldn't cope with it. But since dad died he texts me, trying to be chummy. My dad left his savings to be split between us 3 siblings. I personally don't think he deserves it but its what dad had in his will so I just have to except it.

Your anger may be justified, but it is damaging you and no one else.

i have been disowned by my father after my mother died. I’m very sure he’d say all sorts of nasty things that I have done. Form my perspective I have been devastated by it, it is over 20 years now. I have tried to reconnect but he then repeated the whole thing and I ended up with depression. I still wake with recurring nightmares about being rejected by friends, my siblings , my mother even though none of them rejected me - just my father. I am stuck in a stupid limbo land of not being able to grieve as he is still alive and£ part of me still hopes for reconciliation

you do not know why your sister fell out with your mother in truth. Whilst she may have done appalling things you have no idea of the original catalyst for her behaviour. A bit like the law change on divorce to mean no one side takes the blame, rarely is it as simple as one side is bad and the other good. I recognise my father isn’t nasty or evil and nor am I perfect- he just avoids conflict and if he can’t do anything else lathes out and tells people to shut up- he can’t send me to my room now so told me he never wanted to hear form me again, it’s the same thing. I don’t hate him. I am just appalled to find myself in this situation.

Whilst I suspect I have been disinherited long ago, I know when my dad passes away it will hurt if he formally disinherited me in his will. Even if there’s only £30 to go around . It isn’t the money actually. It is in effect lashing out, punishing me and hurting me again form beyond the grave and I think that is genuinely nasty- what pleasure will he derive from it when he’s dead..what it will do is make things awkward with my siblings who I get on with very well.

a spouses estate passes to surviving spouse as standard. It’s not often a bequest of assets is made to a child at that point. The surviving spouse usually will need those assets potentially in future and would be stupid to give them up at that stage. They then become their assets to do with as they feel fit. If your dad intends to split 50:50 then that is not your business. It is fair. It merely means he doesn’t want to take the breakdown in relationship beyond his grave. In the same way my mother wouldn’t have wanted me cut out of a will, I don’t get a say in that- it’s entirely done to what my dad wants to do with his assets now- they long since stopped being my mothers assets too.

Oh and by the way to all those spouting hyprocracy of absent child suddenly grieving…I will gireve when my father dies. I haven’t seen him for 20 years, other than brief encounters where he ignored me.

I will be grieving for all the years I can never get back, all the hurt it has caused and the fact I won’t be able to ever reconcile. Don’t underestimate the complexity of humans. Being rejected form a living parent is as devastating at 40, 50 or 100 as it is at 10. Sure, you’re more able to pick up pieces but life is simply never the same again and you are left in such a devastating limbo land .

please show some understanding- it is never black and white

Thanks for providing your insight. I actually do know the reason my sister and mother fell out as i was always caught up in the middle of it it. My sister cut her out of her life as she had a better mother in law at the time who she constantly measured my mum against and ultimately decided my mum was a poor emotionally absent mother who didnt deserve grandchildren to love. She had a better new mother who showered her financially and she though thats what love was. That honestly was the catalyst and turns out that same mil ended up hating her as she gave up on loving and caring for her sick son while he lay on is his death bed. They werent estranged or seperated shes just a cold bitch. Sorry im diverging again. Ive moved on from the money and now have to deal with her being in the funeral limo for family next week. I cant bear it