Asking for peoples opinions....

[pastypam]

Hello..... there isn't a right or wrong answer to this really and I understand everyone is different and each relationship unique to those involved. But, I am wondering, in your relationships.....

IF you have an opinion on something and it makes you feel a certain way which you voice to your OH and say for example, I don't mind you doing this but please don't be doing it when I'm here. (Home) Would your OH respect your opinion and not do that or would they see that as you dictating what they can or can't do to them, being bossy and stand firm saying he doesn't agree with your opinion?

This is something that happens a lot between me and DH on his end..
if he's voiced something to me I'd respect his opinion and feeling on the matter and be sure to not do it when he was around and do it in my own time or away from our home etc. Knowing I could still do it, just not at the expense of disrespecting him.

And I feel like his behaviour isn't quiet normal ... it's very dismissive and an odd view to have. He had a very traumatic childhood and I sometimes think this is in relation to that, almost like he can't hack being told something isn't ok anymore... but, it causes me alot of hurt because I feel like my feelings are constantly dismissed and then I'm burrated about being controlling..
This isn't something I do. I'm not controlling at all, he can do whatever he wishes. But if I feel a certain way about something or someone at our home when I'm there I feel like that should be something that's heard and respected.. or maybe not?

Are you asking him not to do something in your home when you are present? It's hard to form an opinion without knowing what it is but if he is dismissive of your request, doesn't care about your feelings and calls you controlling that sounds like a problem.

A traumatic childhood is so often used as an excuse for people who abuse as adults. There are millions of people who had traumatic childhoods who don't abuse as adults. Or just bad behaviour, or difficulty in relationships, call it what you will.

What's he like in other areas of your relationship?

It's OK for you to set a boundary that you won't have certain behaviours in your home. Be that "Do not smoke crack" all the way to "don't eat jam on toast".

It's equally OK for him to say "this is my home and if I want to smoke crack/eat jam, I will!" and decide to end the relationship.

In between the two is compromise, if one can be reached. He needs to understand that this is BOTH your home and both have a right to a voice on what can and cannot be done there. It shouldn't be just one person making all the rules, especially if those rules are harming others.

It entirely depends on what it is and how much of a change to his life/his personality you are insisting of.

And by the sound of it - it seems like he isn’t asking you to change/behave differently, so your ‘if he asked me’ is a little theoretical.

I presume it’s something he has always done/been like before he met you/you moved in together - and I can see that your need him to change is something he sees as controlling.
Have you made it clear that it was one of the conditions of living together?
Maybe you aren’t compatible?

Is it a porn habit? I personally wouldn't have a problem say if he was upstairs and I was downstairs. Same with a touch of cross-dressing and such like (not my stuff though! )
If it's drugs, no way whatsoever.