How did you stick to your guns!?!?!?

[Tothemoonandbackx]

My Ex (as of last night) is a mentally abusive, gas lightning, lying, massive walking red flag. He couldn't stand the fact I was going out without him last night, so sent me a video of a song which contained lyrics about breaking up, I said "you've only sent me this to try and ruin my night, but it hasn't" and he said he sent it "to save me the time' as I'd asked him for a break last week, just a couple of weeks to myself so I can get my mental state back to what it was before I met him. He can be on and off anyway when everything's ok, not messaging me, not phoning etc, but the minute I say I want time to myself, he constantly badgers me and wears me down into taking him back. It's a vicious cycle and I'm sick of it, I'm sick of myself for being so weak as to let someone do this to me, I'm sick of putting his needs before mine, I'm a shell of what I was before him. I NEED to stick to my guns this time and get this P.O.S out of my life. We don't live together, no kids, so it should be easy, but somehow, he always weasels his way back in. What have you done to finally get rid of someone like this and move on, what did you do to make sure you stuck to yours guns???

Sorry you've been struggling, he does not sound like a good person.

If there's no kids or connection, could you just block him on everything?

I've done it now, and also before, but when I do, he just turns up at my house, not threatening, but begging to be heard.
I've been stupid and let him in before because it's embarrassing having him talking through the letter box.

By recognising that it is a choice that you control, not something you are helpless in.

For instance, it would be a choice to have any further contact with him. It would be a choice to treat your decision as open for negotiation. It would be a choice to fill your life with better social connections instead of thinking about him. It would be a choice to get back with him. A choice to stay away from him.

You don't need us or anyone else to save you from being sucked in by him, you have the power to choose to move your life forward without him.

Sounds exhausting.

How about any / all of the following - "distraction therapy"

setting up your phone / email so his message get sent to a file you have to actively open to look at, so you can choose if / when to look. I'd say not block as that seems to provoke a nasty reaction in some. basically NEVER respond to his calls / messages

line up things to do - at least one a day, other than your usual stuff of work etc. May only take 30 mins but have things to look forward to so you don't have as much time to dwell. so things like visiting a shop you've not been to before, phoning a friend you haven't spoken to for ages. A friend of mine during lookdown phoned a friend a day from her contacts list, going alphabetically.

make sure anything of his is out of the home - leave it on his doorstep / workplace

Have a change around of furniture

Write out the reasons why you want to break up and if you're feeling the urge to contact him / answer his messages / calls - you've got something to refresh your memory on why you wanted to break up

Take up a new sport - I recommend T'ai Chi - lots of gentle movements, mindful and calming. Evenings and weekend classes you'll find more men attending ;)

Good luck - you can do this!

Ok, but that was a choice. Next time make a different choice.

If he does it repeatedly keep a diary then report him for harassment. If he does it once, ignore him.

Block him on everything.
Ring doorbell, change locks, warn family and friends
Ignore him and report if he harrasses you.
He sounds like he could turn nasty.
The only way is zero contact, the minute you respond hes in control again

@DPotter thank you so much for your advice, its all really helpful, posistive and achievable. This is the first relationship I've had where this has happened to me, he's ground me down so much, I just want to be me again.

@Snoredoeurve I will have to change locks too, as he has a key, the only reason he couldn't get in last time was because I put my keys in the otherside so he couldn't get in. One tine he told me he'd got my key and wanted to give it me back, and that's how he got into my head again. Zero contact is definitely happening, without a doubt. I just hope he doesn't keep it up for too long, I'm totally worn down by it all.

I wrote a list of all the awful things he’d done on my phone. Every time I looked at it or added to it, it reminded me just how bad it was and why I’d ended it. Practically I just tried to resist getting sucked in to any communication about the relationship (we have a DC together so have to communicate about that). Ignore, ignore, ignore: leave him on the doorstep. Go out as much as possible. Block up the letterbox if possible (sort an alternative with the postie). Stay strong! You’ll be so much better for it.

Precisely this. I also have a list of all the awful things he did on my phone - I started it when we were together and even now will update it when memories of his abusive behaviour crop up. It's invaluable, can highly recommend it as a means of reminding yourself of why you need to stay away. Good luck x

You’re wasting your life !
Block him on everything and do not see him. End it, move in.

Move on, not in, definitely do not move in with him !

No contact will help you out things into perspective

*put

Yep write a list of all the reasons you have broken up with him.

Tell him you want no contact from him in any form or you will call the police. Keep this message.

Block him on everything. archive your chat in whatsapp/email/whatever and if he contacts you then call the police. Make sure family and friends know you have broken up and you are NC.

Change the locks.

I got over my ex by getting under someone else!! Knew there really was no going back!!
Amazing!!

Block him, everywhere. Don't answer the door, if he comes to the house turn up the music and hop in the shower. If he persists call the police. A little tip, it's going to take more than a couple of weeks to get your head straight after dealing with this, be kind to yourself and seek some help.
Don't give him an inch, don't let him see a chink of light because he will get his hooks in, he knows how to manipulate you and will do it if he feels there's any reward, and any response is reward. Take the higher ground, because he won't.

Do you have a good friend who sees him for what he is who you could phone if he turns up to talk to you and keep you laughing at him and not wanting to let him in?

Or start a thread on here. MN will talk you out of it for sure!

Keep noticing all the manipulative things. Make lists of every way he's hurt you or given you stress or made your life harder. Look at them when you feel bad.

The website baggage reclaim is also great!

You know what, I've just looked back through some of our old texts, as I know I'd be able to create a list from those alone, and Christ on a bike, I can't believe what I'm reading, some of them are heat of the moment messages (angry) and my God, it's so vicious!!! he was also good at playing dumb and trying to twist things too. He messaged yesterday evening about dropping my house keys off, I've blocked his number but I can access blocked messages, I haven't messaged back. Stage one of him trying to worm his way back. Thank you all for your advice, it's all really really helpful. I'm going to they gym after work, not been in forever and I always loved going too.

The fact that you are asking the question at all shows that you have yet to take responsibility for yourself. 'Being in contact with him' isn't something that happens to you. It's something you actively choose to do.

Unless you think he's going to try to break in, there's no need for you to do anything at all. Literally, do nothing. Say nothing. It's over. You're in charge of that. I've been where you are, and the handy helpful tip is that there are no handy helpful tips to being an adult and looking after yourself: you make a decision, and you follow it through, however hard it is.

@Watchkeys you haven't been exactly where I am though, your experiences and the way you deal with them will be different to mine. I am adult who can make decisions, but I'm also asking for helpful, constructive advice on what others have done. This is what these forums are for, no need to be so condescending towards me.

Being in contact with him or not is your decision, and if you can't make a decision and stick to it, you're not taking full responsibility for yourself. That's got nothing to do with how similar our individual experiences are, and nothing to do with anybody being condescending. It's a universal truth: nobody can adult for you, that's the point of adulting. It's on you.

@Watchkeys you know you we are still are being condescending by using the term 'adulting' please, if you haven't got anything constructive or nice to say like previos posters please don't interject anything onto this thread. Try and think about what you're saying and how it may come across to someone who is already in a pretty vulnerable position before you click send. It takes nothing to be nice.

You stick to your guns by making different choices.

You don't need his keys back - just change the locks. Take back control so he can't control you. You don't need anything he has. You don't have to talk through the letter box. You don't owe him anything either. Just drop the rope and he'll have no one to play with.

I haven't been condescending or anything other than nice, OP. You, on the other hand, are being defensive, and trying to police other's words, when you don't get the advice you like.

Whether to be in touch with him is your decision and responsibility. It is your choice. It's not about clever hints and tricks. Decide, then stick to your decision, and you'll be free of him. This is the advice that will get you where you want to be. You can criticise it all you like, but ultimately, it is what you will need to do.