Is he boring or aibu?!

[mistymoo555]

I'm 38, married to DH for 8 yrs been tg about 12 yrs, have 1 DC. Starting to see things in him last 2 yrs, since had DC 3.5 yrs ago that are grating on me. He's turned out to be so unsocial, I arrange all social stuff, he moans I'm always on my phone as I'm msgsn friends, when we meet up with them he talks but doesn't initiate a lot of chat & happy with a couple hrs then is done, leaves me to sort all meet ups. DC has been a crap sleeper but since she's been born I've noticed he's always falling ASleep at 8.30 & takes himself to bed around 9.30-10 so I'm sitting up past 10 on my own, yawn! He's 39 is this normal?? Feel like I'm with an old man! I did most of the nts with DC he found it really hard, works FT busy job but he still managed to be up from 5.30Am throuhh all Mat leave to work out leaving me to get DC up early nearly ev day even after I was up up a few times in the nt & surpassed exhaustion, he knew! Was not offered any lie ins, caused many rows, reminded how busy his job is but he was still up first thing most days! & still resent this! It's standing out to me that he leaves me to sort DC for everything, never asks what I'm getitng for Xmas or birthday which is sad, jjsy happy to leave me to it, type to sit watching tv when wrapping the gifts only helps if I ask! Never says this is good or fun or they'd love this, nothing. Just so flat! Starting to notice so much I didn't see before! Very serious man, realised he hardly ever sees things in a funny LH light, he's hardly made an effort to see his own family & now his siblings don't bother at all to see us or DC which is so sad! I've always seen my family wkly! Feel like if I didn't make an effort with friends we'd see no one & don't think he'd notice! Do I need to run & am I being stupid to feel like I'm too old to change this?! I feel so stupid for not seeing these things a lot earlier! What other things should I be noticing that are not good? When I met him he was so popular had a very large group of friends who were such a laugh! He ditched them after meeting me said he was fed up of going to town still, advised it was a big thing to do that and not a good idea! He'd known them for yrs, not made any new friends since, not one! Granted he's a hard worker but my Life's been so busy with work before DC came along since it's slowed and I've gone PT since having DC & having more time to chill & be with friends more these things are glaring as very worrying! I can't see how it's going to be when DC gets older in to teens, he's in bed by 9.30 & we're having be quiet D/S up late together watching tv like love island etc which I love or gaming (I like to hve fun!) and he's gone bed!!! DC wants a mate round on a wknd who may still until late or wants stay over, I just don't know what is ahead, what should it be like? I've got so much life in me yet don't want to become old before my time! My dad didn't stop having house party's for his birthdays until he went past 60! He's never sugg any such thing for me or even got me a birthday cake or balloon, just usual std present every yr! Wth 😳

I seee myself as person who loves people and the company of, I see the laughter in eveything, prob too much I make up gaps in convo and this is where I've gone wrong I don't think I've realised I am fed up of if, need somehtjng coming bk! Stood taking to the bt guy the other day fitting new cable jjsy had such a laugh 😵‍💫 convo was easy and funny & after made me start thinking things should be easier and less serious!!! Our DC has a lot of energy & he is so drained, doesn't interact as much as he should
In my view so I do most stuff, he has said too many time he doesn't want anymore too which is unbelievable!!! I always wanted 2 🥺 he loves DC says he does & does have fun when DC is more calm but he def prefers things calmer!! Very sensible person which is not a bad thing but I think he's too far that way & it's showing a lot since DC has been here. Moans about how much we spend even though there's plenty to not be worrying! Doesn't seem know how to have a good time anymore and let his hair down and live! I want to be like my dad having partied for my birthday in to my 50s & having friends round for fun in evenings most wknds not occ and jjsy 1 couple as he worries it'll be too draining as it's the only time he has off, I said he needs to consider changing his job as said is it too draining but he said it isn't, he enjoys it and has Alwyss said he doesn't find it
Stressful! Think he just enjoys a very quiet sedentary life 😵‍💫

Have you thought about couples counselling?

If i were up at 5.30 I'd be feeling tired around 10, i think. Love Island and gaming aren't my idea of fun.

You clearly have some things you need to work through together and work out if you want to keep going.

If he's up at 5.30 and needs eight hours sleep, then that means going to be at 9.30. And if he enjoys his job, doesn't find it stressful and doesn't want to change then you seem to be in direct conflict.

He's not doing anything wrong, it sounds like he prefers a quiet life with routine and a small circle of friends, while you need something more. The only answers are to develop hobbies you can do with friends that don't involve your dh, or to conclude that you aren't suited.

I know when I had small children I didn't want to party every weekend either. I'd rather drill my own teeth than watch Love Island, but on the other hand I don't expect anyone to be quiet for me, and I'm perfectly happy to have a houseful, just not all the time.

The birthday thing is not ok though. I'd tell him that not making an effort, putting in no thought is hurtful and lazy, and you expect him to come up with something special at least once a year.

You sound… manically hyper to be honest.
I’m tired just reading your post!

Essentially you seem to be an extrovert (extreme extrovert) and he seems very much an introvert. This can work but not unless you’re both willing to be flexible. Neither of you sound like you are sadly… couples counselling may be the way forward.

Love island would also make me consider taking my life or someone around me’s life… not my thing at all. But then, my DH feels the same so not an issue for us!

Each to their own… including your DH?

A couple of paragraphs would make it easier to read TBH.
But it sounds like you’re living separate lives in the house, so maybe it’s time to move on.

as someone who also goes to bed at 9ish YABU. Waking up at 5.30 for the full day is HARD.

I wake up at 7- 7.30 and i still get tired by 7/8pm
as for the other stuff.. you make out like its a him problem, there is nothing wrong with him your just into different things.

You must have had similarities in terms of social life when you first got together and I think it is normal to settle in to routines a lot. The difference probably is your life changed dramatically after DC in terms of routine, freedom of what to do and working PT whereas your DH had a few weeks of paternity then went back to working FT (I assume) so it could be he's just bored and set in the "daily grind". It can be hard to break someone out of this though, hence so many posts about older parents being set in their ways!

I'd suggest taking a mid-week break away, maybe a Monday-Friday in term time so it's affordable (if he has money concerns) and seeing if he perks up. If there is no change whilst away from the stresses of work and home then you can start deciding if you are compatible anymore; you do need to speak to him about it though otherwise he won't fully understand how unhappy you are in the situation. You don't want to live half your life with someone you dislike or resent!

Two issues - he doesn't do any childcare (or housework?) and actively avoids it by disappearing to the gym early and going to bed early.
He's not sociable.
I don't think you can do anything about the second. He is what he is.
The first though is not on. Can he get back from the gym in time to sort out DC in the morning? Or do more in the evening when he gets home from work and before he goes to bed?
I also wouldn't worry over much about being quiet after he's gone to bed. Anything up to about 10.30/11 is reasonable for TV noise.

Sorry, but You sound like 2 completely incompatible people,, you like parties and him not so much,, you sound very outgoing . I think you are being a little bit unreasonable by expecting him to be more like your own father ,

You're complaining that he hasn't bought you a balloon for your birthday?

Think you need to separate the two issues.
Him not wanting to be social, wanting to go to bed early etc is fine and is his choice. It may mean that you aren't compatible but he is perfecting entitled to do so.

However, him being totally disengaged from family life, not helping with dc, going to the gym at 530 when you've had a bad night and need him yo do his share is not on.

You are with someone very selfish whom you have nothing in common with.

He happily rose at 5.30am to go to the gym but has actively and successfully avoided all childcare.

He's a selfish arse.

Get back to work fulltime and start planning on leaving.

He cares for no one but himself and is both a shit partner and father.

You will not change him so best to get organised and get out.

Make no futher social arrangements involving him.

Don't waste your life on someone so selfish.

It seems like two separate issues here.

The practical stuff, not helping with childcare and being an equal parent - problem. It's selfish and unfair and you're not being unreasonable to be pissed off and expect him to step up.

The other stuff, about him not being sociable - more of a grey area. He's not unreasonable to like what he likes. You're not unreasonable to want to be more sociable. The issue comes in how you make a marriage work, where you can get on the same page and both have your needs met.

I see a lot of my dh in what you describe in terms of sociability. Thankfully I enjoy a lot of home based things to, and we do have fun. I do have to push for more social outings tho as he would generally be happy staying home (he is happy and involved when we do stuff tho). Really, you can change him and he's not wrong for like a quieter life. It doesn't make him "an old man" or just means he's different to you, and that's completely valid.

You have to decide if it's a relationship you want to be in and work on finding a happy medium, or decide it isn't and move on

I happily sleep through my teens late night shenanigans. They can have friends round as well if they like. But sounds like he’s an early bird and you’re a night owl. Some people make that work, other people find they just can’t be compatible. But it would be nice if he helped you in the mornings and let you have a lie in.

You are grouping them together, but they are very different issues. Most can't be changed, some can. Him going to bed at that time is completely reasonable.

OP. I can sense your anxiety from your post about all this. It must be difficult that you're now questioning your relationship after all these years.

The reality is, some people just grow up, and grow apart and that's ok, sad, but ok.

What you need to figure out is, are you happy finding your own hobbies, seeing your own family and friends without him and leaving him be? You don't have to do everything together. Some people enjoy their own company.

You really should sit down one night, have a glass of wine (might relax him to opening up more) and hash it all out. Maybe there is something going on behind the scenes that he doesn't want to open up about? Men rarely talk about their feelings asked.

I remember back in January, I was 7 months pregnant and noticed my partner was a bit off. He works as a support worker for adults with complex needs and he had been working non stop plus looking after a heavily pregnant hormonal DP. I sat him down one night and just asked how work was going.... queue him discussing his unhappiness for about 3 hours about work, he cried, we hugged and then he took 4 months off to work on himself. He's now back to his old self and seeking another job with more flexibility as his job is no longer compatible with family life.

Try spending more time together as a couple. Compromise a date night per month. Also, communication is so so important. Talk about your feelings and let him speak.

Try finding your own hobbies without him too.

Xx

Neither of you are in the wrong you’re just different. You can’t expect him to change his whole personality for you.
he’s obviously grown up and changed. It happens. You sound quite manic if you ask me. If he’s up at 5:30am he’s bound to feel tired.