Is he boring or aibu??

[mistymoo555]

I'm 38, married to DH for 8 yrs been together about 12 yrs, have 1 DC. Starting to see things in him last 2 yrs, since we had DC 3.5 yrs ago that are grating on me. He's turned out to be so unsocial, I arrange all social stuff, he moans I'm always on my phone as I'm msgsn friends, when we meet up with them he talks but doesn't initiating a lot of chat & happy with a couple hrs then is done, leaves me to sort all meet ups. DC has been a crap sleeper but since she's been born I've noticed he's always falling ASleep at 8.30 & takes himself to bed around 9.30-10 so I'm sitting up past 10 on my own, yawn! He's 39 is this normal?? Feel like I'm with an old man! I did most of the nts with DC he found it really hard, he works FT busy job but also managed to be up from 5.30Am throuhh all Mat leave to work out leaving me to get DC up early even after been up a few times in the nt, not offered any lie ins, caused many rows & still resent this! It's standing out to me that he's a just flat, leaves me to sort DC for everything, never asks what I'm getitng for Xmas or birthday which is sad, jjsy happy to leave me to it, type to sit watching tv when wrapping the gifts only helps if I ask! Starting to notice so much I didn't see before! Very serious man, realised he hardly ever sees things in a funny LH manner, he's hardly made an effort to see his own family & now his siblings don't bother at all to see us or DC, I've always seen my family wkly! Feel like if I didn't make an effort with friends we'd see no one & don't think he'd notice! Do I need to run & am I being stupid to feel like I'm too old to change this?! I feel so stupid for not seeing these things a lot earlier! Life's been so busy with work before DC came along since it's slowed and I've gone PT had more time to chill & be with friends more these things are glaring!!

Gosh OP have you ever thought that Dh is maybe suffering from depression? This can be on a scale from mild to very serious. He may need help x

Sounds like depression to me too. I would talk to him and see how you can be a better team.

Have you talked to him about this?

Someone not being as sociable as you doesn't mean they're 'boring'. You don't get to set what's an acceptable level of 'interesting' for somebody else. If you think he's boring, you're not being unacceptable, but it's just your opinion; nobody can tell you you're right or wrong.

If you find your partner boring, you've found a level of incompatibility, and you need to talk to find a compromise, or accept that you're different and decide whether to stay or go. It's not that one of you is reasonable and the other not.

It may be me but 5.30 rise and a 10pm bedtime doesn't seem that unreasonable.
You didn't notice it before you went part time and have more chill time... Maybe he needs the same? He sounds stressed.

You don't sound like you like him very much any more.

Nothing he is doing in terms of early bedtime or socialising sounds unreasonable to me, you're just different. Although it sounds like he needed to pull his weight more with taking turns to sleep in when you kid was little, and now with 'mental load' stuff.

It's okay for you to feel that you're no longer compatible, though. He doesn't need to be 'in the wrong' for you to decide this isn't the life you want.

It doesn’t sound like depression to me. It sounds like a personality type. You probably had more energy before the kids and didn’t mind the organising so much.

I hear you on all of this. My husband is beyond passive and flat, I think he masked a lot but the minute we married I felt the universe had changed colour. Grey and silent. He was diagnosed a Schizoid a year ago and finally for the first time I stopped feeling like I’d lost my mind. He admits that he doesn’t rate joy, excitement or banter as much as me (he fooled me into thinking otherwise but he was just coming along my ride!) and he admits that he doesn’t have a good imagination or maybe even the confidence to initiated anything, chat, present buying, organising things, basically everything. I remember thinking a few years into marriage (were only married 7) that he was like a cardboard cut out of a person.

it’s been a long long road, but we separated a month ago, it’s been so hard but I know it is worth it. My kids are young so it’s them I’ve felt awful about really and still do.

We’re on very good terms. With therapy I finally accepted I couldn’t live life with him, energy zapping stuff and half dead like existence. Sorry if that sounds a bit dramatic.

Im out the other side and I know the clouds have parted even in this short space of time. Best of luck, it is importance to consider your basic needs xxx

Yes I can relate to this, although myself and partner are much older.
I would get out now if I were you. You may regret not doing something about it, later on.

@Fourhorses yep this is my exact situation I feel right now!
The kids are teens, but I'm already looking at how to leave this relationship, which appears to be exactly how yours was.

Grey, silent, lack of excitement, joy, banter.. everything is as you describe .

P.s OP This is more than likely, a personality type.
Unless you are the same ( which clearly you are not) it's going to be very very tough later on. Act now.