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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help! How do you cope with this?

7 replies

NotReallySure · 30/07/2022 22:52

Just looking for some support, and hope! I told my husband I was leaving in June. Mainly due to his emotionally abusive, coercive and gas-lighting ways. He reacted badly, shouted out to the kids (4&6) that I was kicking him out (I wasn't) and has since basically said to take some money out the house and go. He is totally irrational, I can't have a conversation with him about this. He gets nasty, name calling, gas lighting and not caring about what he says in front of the kids. I was happy to walk with just enough to see me right, I've taken time out of my career to have and raise my kids, he's now saying I was lazy and he'd wanted me to be full time (I worked, but part time). So all I can do is pass over to the lawyers and let them do their thing. But I'm stuck in the house. He says it's his, not mine (bought after marriage, but he didn't put my name on the mortgage!). He thinks I should be paying for half of everything now (I'm part time and much lower paid) He refuses to leave for a few nights a week although he has family nearby (I don't). I can't afford to rent. I have an offer accepted on a house (tiny, but doable, with help from my folks) but they can't move out until the end of the year 😫 Help. I'm desperately trying to hold it together for the kids but this is awful. Just walking on eggshells and expecting him to blow up at me at any time. He's being nasty. Anyone done this before? I can't do this.

OP posts:
Sapphirensteel · 30/07/2022 23:38

That’s an awful situation to live in , for you and the children.
You’re married so assets are 50/50 whether you’re on the mortgage or not.
I think you need legal advice, common sense says his behaviour is beyond unreasonable and very damaging to the children, I’d be looking to have him removed from the house then sell, hopefully sold by the time you move into arranged house.

Brigante9 · 30/07/2022 23:49

Please see a solicitor. You have rights as you’re married.

NotReallySure · 31/07/2022 13:08

I have been in touch with a lawyer, but surely that all takes time too? It's just unbearable, and he's being so manipulative. He's quite volatile and really sees/imagines our past in such a vile way. He's been awful but now twisting it to say it was me. Surely his word against mine. I really didn't want the house sold so the kids could stay there.

OP posts:
Whatonearth07957 · 04/08/2022 21:40

Divorce first then get help from your parents not before. Get everything in motion. You've got this X

Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 04/08/2022 22:20

Did your solicitor mention whether an occupation order might be an option OP? If he's mentally/emotionally abusing you I would have thought it would be.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2022 22:24

You need a real appointment with a solicitor right away. You need to retain them and you need to make a plan.

NotReallySure · 05/08/2022 07:45

I've spoken to a couple, but they haven't mentioned an occupation order. They all say slightly different things and I'm so confused. I'm speaking to one today who has had training in dealing with break ups in abusive marriages. Women's aid and the Scottish DV helpline have been amazing. Anything I get now is officially after date of separation so won't be his, and the general point of view is go for the house but get it officially written out of our marriage assets. He's been away for a few days but back today and I'm dreading it. People say I'm rushing things to get out, I am, I need to!
We'll also talk to the kids this weekend as they have an idea if what's going on, they will be so upset. I just hope he can show a united front for that, but have my doubts.
Thanks everyone. Xx

OP posts:
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