I feel like a frog in a pot

[threebirdsinatree]

When I first met DH he was kind and respectful. My family liked him, my friends liked him. We met through work, he was a teacher, no issues there. We had DS three years into our relationship, we were both older first-time parents, but DS was wanted by both of us. DS is now four. I had a difficult pregnancy and job so I stopped working while I was pregnant. I just got a full-time job in March making significantly less than I had when I was teaching but I really didn't want to go back to it. We bought a house about two and a half years ago and that's when things started to change. The house has wood floors and we painted just before moving in. If DS dropped something on the floor he would yell at him if he was too close to a wall with a crayon he would yell at him. Over the last couple of years it has increased to the point where he screams at him every day. I have tried my best to intervene, but my mental health is now suffering. We have had counselling for parenting, at my insistence, and we have been working with a psychiatrist for DS behavioural issues which are escalating. It is clear to me that DS's issue stem from the screaming, but after all of this DH will still not acknowledge that his behaviour is damaging DS, me and our family. He overreacts to almost everything DS does and rarely talks to him kindly.
I think even the psychiatrist is giving him a bit of a pass because of his cultural background. His parents have passed away but I have met his cousins and aunts and I could not imagine them treating their children the way he treats DS, it's not cultural. I feel like I have let this happen and I have deep regret and guilt. I didn't see it coming and I would never have thought this is the way he would parent. Most people who know us would not believe this is the way he treats his son. I don't know what to do, I know I need to do something but I don't have the financial means to leave. I'm angry at myself for letting it get to this. I used to be strong and I don't feel that way anymore. I can get counselling through work and maybe if I can get my head together I will be better able to deal with him and the situation.

My blood was boiling reading this. This started when your son was 18 months - 2 years? and has been escalating? Does the psychiatrist understand the scope of what is happening? Have you spoke to anyone else about it? I want to tell you to leave but to do so when your DH might get up to 50% unsupervised access is worrying to say the least. I personally would tell the psychiatrist exactly what is happening, (or your own counsellor when you get that sorted) that it is escalating and you are downright scared. This should trigger a safeguarding issue ( I think they have a duty of care for potential harm to children). I would get to the GP and explain the situation at home, I would meet with the nursery staff (or wherever your son spends his days) and explain the situation at home. I would (with your husbands knowledge) try to put nanny cams around your home under the pretext of safety and I would tell close family and friends what is going on. I might even covertly record my husband to show family members what you are living with if I thought I needed to. Its all bloody easy for me to say though isn't it? It is scary to open up abusive behaviours to the outside world (and this is abuse), but would that be worse than what you are living with? Your mental health is declining to the point where you are struggling to even attempt to protect your child, and your child has behavioural issues that are severe enough to warrant psychiatric involvement. At age 4. This is downright awful. I'm sorry.

And as for letting yourself get to this stage.... Well you're not the one the screaming at your son so that's not on you. You are the one he needs to protect him, his father is vile. So just focus on that, your son needs you healthy and well and strong.

As for the finances... you can get top up benefits if your income is low and rent for a while if you need to. You have one child and you work so you shouldn't end up on the streets.

I'm so sorry op, you sound like you are in a really difficult situation. I can relate to some extent. When out DS was born, I was shocked by how different DH was towards our DS. I had to say to him that he needs to decide what kind of relationship he wants with his son. That's a very personal thing and has nothing to do with me, my relationship is caring, loving and... protecting. It has improved over the years, but my relationship with DH and how I see him has changed. I still have to pull him up on what i see as damaging remarks - just nitpicking on apparent 'flaws' - but we are currently separated under the same roof until I can afford to leave. He will still have to work on what kind of relationship he wants with son.

Yup, He has boiled you in a pot.

I promise you, you can do this. It might not be pleasant in the short term.But you are in an abusive relationship. And your son is at risk.

Please talk to Women's Aid. Your GP. The police. Anyone!

Do you have family or friends you can talk to?

What kind of culture is he from that can possibly be used to excuse this abuse?

I feel like I have let this happen

You in theory have but it can be difficult/take time to work out or realize what to do in a situation. But you can always turn things around. Obviously you need to do that (leave) ASAP because the longer you stay the more serious and entrenched your DS' behavioural/mental health issues will get, until eventually, if you stayed long enough, he'd probably have them for life.

I know I need to do something but I don't have the financial means to leave.

You can do it OP xx There must be a way.

One of you leaving is the only solution. Your son is being damaged —- at age 4 he has already been damaged enough for it to show in behaviour—- how much more do you need? Record your husband, you can buy small recorders and just leave it running. Nanny cams in the house ( where it’s backed up to your pc, phone, iPad so even if DH deletes it on the camera you have it)
But these are just evidence gathering to prevent him having unsupervised access.
As pp have said tell your GP, nursery manager, SS if necessary—- someone needs to step up here and get your son away from your toxic husband.

Your facilitating the abuse by staying with him . Leave and take you child somewhere safe or he must leave.