Struggling with 50% nice 50% cold DP

[Ideasideas]

I'm so confused right now.

DP can be really fun, lovely and affectionate and I adore this side of him. I feel comfortable and confident around this side of him and see a better future for us.

Then there's this side where for whatever reason there is distance between us and whenever I try and talk with him to find out what's wrong he is just so very cold, dismissive, mocking, uncaring, unloving etc. And me starting a calm conversation with him to chat about what's going on quickly develops into me feeling hurt confused and alone.

After more talking and more crying from me he finally gains back his lovely side, makes promises to communicate better. Says things like "he's so grateful that I'm always there to talk but he doesn't return the same to me", "I don't know why I get like this, I'm sorry" and "you don't know how much I love you". But when he's like this I don't feel loved at all and struggle to comprehend how someone who loves you can be like that. He sweet talks me, cuddles me etc. And then the circle repeats itself.

The problem is after countless times like this I just feel that little bit worse each time because he has never changed.

We were quite toxic to begin with (met when I was 19 and he 25). I didn't handle his behaviour very well and could become easily angry and aggressive. But I'm not like that now. Haven't been for a long time. And I feel like I'm the only one that's changed. Yet every fortnight/month I am crying again feeling low and just so very sad.

I feel like I should leave him when he's like that. But when it's good it's so good and alas here I still am.

Does anyone else experience this in a relationship?

Honestly, if you’re miserable and crying every 2wk this isn’t a healthy relationship
quite frankly I can’t see why you’re together given what you describe
hows your mental health, do you have any stressors or triggers because you seem quite fragile by what you’re describing
Cannot see a compelling reason for you two to be together and if you have children it’ll be additional stress and you’ll fight more. Probably best if you two split up

Hi OP
I'm in a similar situation. Had to laugh (at myself!) when I saw your ages as I'm like this in my 40s.
Don't know the answer. I'm still in the fury stage (I.e. when I get angry at his silent treatment). Wish I could somehow detach.

He doesn't sound like a nice person, it sounds like he wants to keep you on the back foot. There is no way I could live like this, I would honestly start to seriously consider leaving him. The times when he is 'nice' are surely cancelled out by the times he is being cruel and emotionally abusive?

He could be insecure and making himself feel better by treating you like this. But to be honest it doesn't matter why, don't waste any more time being with him.

Unfortunately there’s the oft touted notion that love is difficult and real or true love is passionate and has its ups & downs. I actually think if a relationship frequently has you in turmoil and tears it’s dysfunctional and not working. You’re describing a rollercoaster of emotion and that’s not healthy to be in tears and experience confusion and cold behaviour from a partner. You don’t need to live like this in a broken relationship but it requires you to be brave and believe in yourself.

Hmmm...... could be domestic abuse. My DP gives me a lot of trouble. I happened to mention to my GP that the way he yells at me is affecting my mental health and then I told her a bit more and she said it was domestic abuse and advised me to get in touch with our local Women's Aid group.

OP, your relationship does not sound healthy.

This is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and its a continuous one. Trauma bonding is a real thing too; that is also something he has caused you to develop and that is going to take time and therapy to undo.

The silent treatment you describe Bonheurdupasse is an example of emotional abuse as well as an effective way of punishing you for your supposed misdameanors (which are all in his head). I would give you the same counsel as in my last paragraph.

You were 19 when you met this person, don't waste the rest of your 20s now on this person because you will come to regret it bitterly if you do.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. This relationship is to all intents over because of the abuse he metes out to you. Did no-one ever explain or tell you that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Thank you for the relies. My parents were very toxic and my dad was an awful man. I moved in with DP not long after I met DP because it was so much better than home. And I guess for a while I perhaps didn't see how bad he could be because it's never been like how my dad was to my mum.

But the older I become the less tolerant I am to it and the more painful it is, because it's still happening.

The thought of not being with him terrifies me though. I am so weak. Here I am once again alone in bed, feeling like he doesn't give an ounce of shit about me.

It shouldn’t be this hard, OP. Do you have children? Or do you plan to? Weathering the highs and lows of life will be difficult with this man by your side.

I would never make/let him feel like this.

We do have children. 6 and 7. We rent together but tenancy is in my name. I work. There isn't anything outside of the DC that would make our separation difficult in a literal sense.

I was sitting in the bathroom earlier crying with the tap running so as not to let the DC know that I'm sad. That's not healthy or normal at all.

Eldest DD and I were reading stories together before bed and I felt so calm and I realised I was looking forward to him going back to work Monday as I won't feel any tension.

For the sake of your children sort this out
Theyre observing and normalising your dysfunctional relationship. Potentially creating a pattern they’ll replicate in adulthood as they’ve seen and experienced it growing up

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for caring (sorry, that sounds strange, but I really mean it). I think though that my DP is ND (I have my suspicions, as I am also though it manifests differently) - and that he literally shuts down in certain situations, any interactions would be painful to him. I'm guessing.
But the problem is that even if un intended, it still is silent treatment for me.

OP - have you ever described your DP's behaviour to him (in a better time) - in detail? (Although I have in my case, and it made no difference.)

So you're hiding and crying in the bathroom so your children don't see how upset you are ? I'm sorry hon, but they already KNOW how upset you are ! They're just 'hiding' it from YOU !

This man is making you all miserable a MINIMUM of 50% of the time, and you've stayed with him, but now it's time you put you and your DC FIRST !

HIS 'happiness' and 'emotional dysregulation' do NOT 'trump' yours and your childrens happiness and mental health !

Tell him it's over and start being happy !