How pissed off should I be?

[SpringSpringTime]

STBXDH and I managed to amicably split, over a year ago, keeping our preschool child reasonably happy and well-adjusted throughout, financials all sorted etc.

A little while ago XDH told me he was seeing someone, which I had already figured out. He told me in a kind way.

however

I’ve slowly pieced together that he’s been looking after her dog with our DC, who have recently relayed to me that they go to her house to collect it. They know her name (I didn’t). And this evening, when I suggested we go to a nearby sports venue tomorrow, they asked if we were going to see her, because ‘she works there’.

I am really cross that he left it to our DC to a) tell me they’d met her and b) inadvertently forewarned me against an awkward surprise first meeting.

I have no idea if they know she’s his girlfriend. I’d guess not, so he’s kind of lying to them, too.

He is from a family of alcoholics and this kind of low-key lying is par for the course for him, I hate it and I hope our children turn out different.

WWYD? Owt or nowt?

As hard as it is, he doesn’t have to tell you about his life.

i 100% agree that co parents should be fair and open and give forewarning about new partners etc and in an ideal world this would be the case.

But he doesn’t have any obligation to do so - he is your kids parent too and what they do within his contact time is his business (I mean within reason!)

I would feel the same as you OP, I think it’s totally natural but the quickest way to move past the feelings is probably to realise you don’t have any control over the time the kids are with him and if that involves another woman, well as long as she’s nice and kind to the kids, it’s better to keep your ears and nose out of it.

it gets easier!

Nothing to do with you, I’m afraid.

Argh I know. I just really, really don’t like that he left DC in the position of potentially managing our first meeting, while I worked out in real time who the heck this lass is.

I don’t mind at all that he’s seeing someone or that they’ve met her, though. I didn’t want him to be miserable.

you are being unrealistic and unreasonable. you have split and have no say in what he does. move on

Yeah as hard as it is, it's not up to you to dictate what goes on in your ex's life. He doesn't need to consult you about stuff like that.

What is it you think he’s lying about? Bringing his family’s issues into it seems unnecessary.

He told you he’s seeing someone, which he didn’t need to do. He didn’t tell you the DC hadn’t met her or that he wasn’t looking after her dog.

If you start dating how much detail would you voluntarily share with your ex? Even if you think it would be a lot you can’t know how you’d really feel. And you could never insist a new bf met your ex, it wouldn’t be your decision.

I don’t think he has done anything wrong here and I also don’t understand what personal issues of his family members has to do with it.

I haven’t said anything to him, and I’m not planning on it!

Yeah I brought his family up because ihistorically he left me to find out a lot of things that, in an open, honest relationship, he would have just told me. And I spent a long time trying to figure out why he was so sneaky (not here, but on many other points). But we have different values and are hence not together any more.

I’m definitely feeling more triggered about hearing on the grapevine because it’s part of a long and (for me) difficult pattern, but I suppose the difference is it’s not really my problem any more.

I'm sorry but I can't see the problem here.

I do think it's a bit of a low blow about the lying. He can't control if his family are alcoholics. And everyone tells little lies to children to protect them. If he was calling this woman a "friend" to take things slow, that's a positive, not a negative.

It must hurt when the other person moves on, even if the split was mutual. But it's time for you to let go a little. If it was you dating, what would you do differently?