Husband wants to drop a 'friend' - complicated network of friends involved

[newkid]

My DH has decided that he no longer wants to be friends with someone in our circle.

The person involved is a nice enough person (and is very popular) but has a habit of putting people down (as a joke) and several months ago made a crude comment about our dd (3) and his son (also 3) to my DH. He and my DH have never been close, though now the friend claims that he regards DH as a good friend.

The complicated bit is that I really like his wife, who has become a great friend of mine, especially since our children were born. My DD also considers the son a good friend of hers. We have invited the couple and others (incl shared groups of friends) to an annual party (that these friends always come to) but now my husband doesn't want the friend to come and wants me to communicate this to my friend (the wife) (ie uninvite them!). DH feels that he doesn't like it when the friend is around and it makes him depressed.

While I would prefer that DH just lets us go as we are (slow drift apart - not invite them to other occasions; no dramatic statements etc), I also can see where he is coming from and if we had no other friends in common (and dd was not friendly with the ds) it would be so much easier.

DH is convinced that the other couple will start to play power games and basically we will lose all our shared friends (of whom I am more friendly with the women than he is with the men). I can see DH demanding that the DS is not invited to DD's bday party etc.

What should I do? I'm really upset about this but can't see anyway out.

If HE is the one uncomfortable about it then HE should sort it not you!!

I think the slow drift apart idea is good- you & the wife & kids could still be daytime chums but avoid get-togethers if you can.

If this guy speaks out of turn tell your DH to tell him you find it offensive & then drop it. Different SOH's doesn't make it a "never speak again" situation

It might be difficult in the circumstances you've described. Can your dh tell this man that he feels very unhappy about the comment he made. That might encourage him to keep his distance when you are out together. As for the party, just have the chn and no adults there.

Can't you just get him to compromise, come to the party but distance yourself afterwards? Uninviting someone can't be done without unpleasantness and it is the thing that might well lead to the powergames that your DH is afraid of. They are bound to tell others in the group who will be forced into taking sides. Much better for people not to know that there are sides to take. Is the party not big enough to avoid chatting to a particular person? If he doesn't get on with the other DH I don't see why this stops a DS coming to a birthday.I often haven't even known the parents of children who have come to DSs birthday parties.