Estrangement from me to parent

[SummersBreeze]

I am not happy with my father.

I grew up in some difficult times. He put my mom through some hell when I was small. He never touched me physically but he really wasn't a nice man. He finally left the family home in the 90s. Although he wasn't nice when he was drunk, he was still my father. I still liked him when I was younger when he wasn't drinking. I was upset when he left. He left but he never told me or my siblings or mother. We had to come to the conclusion that he was never coming home again.

I kept on good terms with him since he left. I used to see him in the locality.

Then, about 4 or 5 years ago something happened. He got ill. He ignored his doctors and he continued to drink and smoke. He was also in a lot of debt. I met him one day and he was very drunk. He scolded me like a small little girl as to why I didn't visit him over the winter. At that time I wasn't avoiding him. I was going through some of my own challenges with work and my health. My health wasn't 100% and my tummy was easily aggravated and I was sick a lot needing to be close to the toilet. I refused to tell him any if this because why should I explain myself? To someone who doesn't really care about anyone except for himself. I was furious when I saw him. Not to his face. He scolded me as if he was the only one to be sick and as if to say - 'poor me, look at me.. Look at your aging father....'.

He's not actually old. He is 65 but he looks much older and he wrecked his own health.

At that stage I walked away from him and decided on estrangement to him. He was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. I didn't want to be around that.

This week, I had a run in with him. He scolded me once more for not visiting him and he cried - 'what did I ever do on you'.

I hated seeing him. He was drunk in the middle of the day. In the years since then I was diagnosed with a condition. I am learning about it and managing it. You don't see me ignoring my doctors about it though like he ignores his doctors on smoking and drinking.

I am happy with my estrangement against him. I saw a man that was broken but I am also broken. I don't want to be around a man who is such a heavy drinker who is drunk in the middle of the day. Who is a heavy smoker. I have my own life now. I am busy with work and I experience bouts of sickness. I don't want to be around him.

I do t know what advice I am looking for here. I guess it's more of a rant.

Anyone else estranged from a parent?

There are more of us than you might expect, sadly.

The only advice I have is to put your own health, happiness, finances, home, family first.

An alcoholic, no matter how closely related, cannot give us what we need from them. They have to give up the alcohol first.

Be selfish, mean, nasty, a bad daughter, whatever it takes to not become embroiled in an alcoholic's plunge into the depths. Meet him on his way up again, if he chooses that path and you feel able to. That's the time when you could, if you wanted to, make a difference.

I am no contact with my mother and the rest of my relatives on her side of the family. I don't have any intention of changing that.

I stayed in sporadic contact for years but the last straw was then she tried to commit (inheritance and tax fraud after my father died and while I was in hospital. She had also intercepted, read and destroyed a letter my father had left for me to open after his death.

I managed to discover and stop the fraud but I realised she would never change and always be a narcissistic, lying and manipulating individual.

I also admitted to myself at that stage that I have never loved or even liked her and that our relationship was simply based on guilt from my part and the brain-washing I had received as a child.

So I cut her off to protect my mental, physical health and also to prevent them from doing me any further harm. Sometimes you just have to do that. Her relatives are in denial about her behaviour so I want nothing to do with them either.

Well done on your boundaries OP.

He was an awful father and you were kinder to him than he deserved considering his abandonment of you and your family.

You owe him nothing.

Why would you want to be around a drunk that feels sorry for himself and tries to guilt you?

You have health issues you are trying to manage and you do not need nor deserve the stress of being involved with him would bring.

Well done on putting your precious health first.
He had his chance to be a good father and blew it.

Move forward with your life and look after yourself.

Protect those boundaries of yours.

He could have been the world's best parent (He wasn't) but if you've decided you don't wish to have a relationship with him that is okay. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If he had any self awareness and parental love for you he would want you to get away and stay away from him. There is nothing he needs from you that only you can give him. You owe him nothing. Keep away and be at peace with your decision. Listen to your inner child and parent. Your inner child has seen him as someone who can't nurture and love her and your inner parent is cheering you on to keep that protection around yourself, and to keep honouring your self.

Wow, it beggars belief that although he abandoned his family with no clarity, causing you to have to figure out that he was never coming back, he can say with self pity "what did I ever do to you?".

Wow.
I dont know where you go with that. 😓