No idea what to do

[stuck23]

Bit of backstory for perspective
2018 I found lovey dovey msgs between husband and his school friend (who is still in her home country)
I confronted and he told me it's just msgs.. then i found a receipt of clothes make up underwear that I never received and asked him about it.. he said he bought it to send to her but he couldn't bring himself to do it so he threw it all away.. they r still friends and I'm sure they still msg each other but I've learnt to ignore it..
i found myself naturally distancing myself from him after all this..
Present day we r pretty much normal again..
Last week I deeply cut my thumb and I was in a lot of pain n wasn't able to do much housework or even to the level that I normally do it... the only help I asked from husband was to help me wash my hair as I didn't want to get the dressing wet.. he did this.. but a few days ago the cooker was a bit of a mess.. (pressure cooker over spilled from the whistle)
So I cleaned it the best I could but as u can imagine with a cut thumb I couldn't really apply much pressure.. so he notices this and starts having a go at me saying the cooker is a mess from a few days ago.. I said I know and I'll give it a good clean when my thumb is better.. he then says u can ask someone else to do it can't u.. (we have son 19 who works all day and daughter 16 who has helped me as much as possible.. his nephew also lives with us but that's just another story.. we r just roof n food for him..!)
So I said I already feel guilty enough for not being able to function properly with this injury so just give me a few days n I'll get the whole house back to order.. then he goes on n in at me about how a cut is stopping me from working normally.. (then he swears in ref to mother)
This is all infront of the kids and it's all getting out of control coz everyone is standing up trying to calm him and he is having none of it.. I'm in the kitchen crying coz I have no idea what brought all this on..
Now I don't know what to do..
I'm always the one who is saying sorry even when it's not my fault just to keep things normal...
now we r not speaking..

So sick of this n no idea what to do...

Why could he not clean the cooker ?

Why do you that you aren’t worth more, than this awful treatment?

Why are you accepting of him having an affair, however distant?

He should be taking care of you, not berating you. This is not the life you want to be leading, make plans to leave, or to get him to leave.

The stuff with the other woman would have been a deal breaker for me, I personally wouldn't be able to trust him after that and I would question whether he really wants to be in this relationship, especially if he is angry alot and making you feel the need to apologise all the time

I think there may be more going on with him as I dont think a bit of mess is worth kicking off over, instead of having a go at you when he knows you're struggling he could have been more supportive and helped clean or he could've asked one of the family members to help you out as housework shouldn't just be your job

He definitely sent her that stuff op; why are you staying with someone who cheated on you and doesn’t even do the bare minimum to make you feel supported?

Why can't he clean the fucking cooker, I'm sure he ate the food? He sounds horrible, do you really want to spend any more of your life with him now your kids are grown?

As pp said, why can't he clean the cooker? Even if you were not injured, why would he not see it and think 'this bothers me so I'll clean it'?

That screams mysoginist to me.
What did he say, in 'reference to mother?' A derogatory comment about a womans place perhaps?

Seriously op, don't stay with a bully. Don't teach your kids the bad life lesson that it's up to them to tiptoe around a nasty, abusive piece of shit and try and pacify them.

His shitty Attitude is not your fault. Teach your children to walk away from shitty human beings. Not kiss their arse.

Walk away. Hell, run.

He's in an emotional affair with this OW and he's going through the process of devaluing you. It often happens. Your house could be perfect and he would still find something. They do it because their brains cannot cope with the fact that they are cheating so they need to justify it to themselves by believing you are lazy/slovenly/uncaring/etc. Is there anyone you can speak to about this?

He is actually so dismissive of me now I come to think of it..
I really don't know why I'm still with him..
We r not British although I am born here n culturally it would look bad if we divorced now.. been married 23 years..

I'd love to break free n just run

Is avoiding something looking bad to other people worth wasting your whole life for? Is it worth teaching your kids to tolerate shit from bullies for?

Who gives a stuff what other ppl think. The decent ones who are truly your friend will support you. The others, well, who cares what they think? Choose happiness, not misery.

He isn't a bad dad.. it's just that he isn't a good husband..
we haven't had a family holiday for over 5 years.. last one was a Neices wedding in homeland so not even a holiday really..
not even a couple holiday since we became self employed 16 years ago..
So fed up...

The thing is though, he is a bad dad. Because he is teaching your children that it's OK to lack empathy to their partners. And that they should tolerate partners who lack it for them. He is also teaching them that it's OK to fly of the handle and throw a strop like a 5 year old when life doesn't go your way.

Not to mention, just like you, they are being made to walk on egg shells in their own home. Not knowing what might set him off. And they are being taught that THEY have to apologise for his bad behaviour.

He isn't a good dad. He is a horrible one.
No amount of any decent behaviour makes up for that bullshit.

Because of him, they will likely go on to have unhealthy, dysfunctional and abusive relationships. Because it's all they know.

Please read and re-read what Pinkbonbon has written here till it sticks in your head.

He is not a good dad to his children if he treats you as their mum like he does.

Thank you for that..
It is what i needed to hear..

I need to speak to my 19 yr old to see what he thinks.. he is ahead of his years in his outlook n I think he will support me..

Whilst I glad you think your son will be a mature and supportive person, you are the parent. Don't allow your children to make the decision for you as to whether or not you leave.

He is your partner. Its is your choice. Not there's.
It is likely that they may like you, be afraid to rock the boat. And so, encourage you to keep putting up with it. Especially considering that is the example you have set them all these years by tolerating their dads behaviour.

This has to be your choice op. Not your children's. Don't put the responsibility on them. And doing sign away your autonomy to ANYONE else anymore. You deserve to do right by yourself and get away from him. You don't need anyone else's permission or approval to leave.

*Not theirs.
*don't sign away

We r not British although I am born here n culturally it would look bad if we divorced now.

Who gives a fuck? FGS, op, don't live your life worried about what other people think. If they feel so badly for your prick of a husband, they can marry him and be his skivvy.

You have the power to set yourself free. Do it.

We r self employed...
Company is worth 2 million
I wouldn't even know where to start with all this...
I'd need a place to live...
Although I have been wanting to live abroad for so long n he knows this... but abroad means homeland as I'm worth a lot more there due to my English language skills...
The business we have here is what he wanted to do...