I love you, but not in love with you

[Depressedsingle]

My boyfriend of 4 years uttered these words. It’s over. He’s a bit older and hardly Brad Pitt, but no doubt he thinks he can do better. It got to the point where he kept picking away at my flaws, my body etc. These middle aged men are insanely shallow. Apparently I didn’t look after myself or diet or go to the gym (enough). I still get men asking for my number when I go out! But here I am feeling sorry for myself and alone even though it’s best we have broken up. I feel very lonely and even though I know I’m attractive I’m fixated on my looks now. Anyone else even through the same? Does it get better?

Well he's not worth having us he! His loss.

There are decent guys out there so be kind to yourself and start dating again when you're ready.

It got to the point where he kept picking away at my flaws, my body etc. These middle aged men are insanely shallow. Apparently I didn’t look after myself or diet or go to the gym (enough).

He doesn’t love you. So sorry, op.

When people fall out of love, little things become annoyances or problems - that really aren't. You can't take those end of a relationship stage comments personally. They don't define you or even the relationship. They are often the twisted cognitive thoughts our minds go to as we try and rationalize leaving a relationship, and the little things are easier to comment on than the real underlying feelings or issues that are often complex and much harder to verbalize.

I'm betting he's likely to come crawling back sooner or later.

Don't let him.

Chin up OP, time to enjoy yourself without him dragging you down.

I think he wants to date 20 something year olds from the pub he goes to or the gym!

RandomMess thank you, I hope there are decent men still out there at my age !

watcherintherye yes it’s in the title of my thread, what a horrible and shallow way to put it don’t you think?

HellonHeels he messages me every week still 🙄 he likes to go over it, then wants to talk, then doesn’t want to talk. I’m done with him!

he’s dumped most of his exs for physical ‘flaws’ never personality or compatibility

love isn’t about a body or looks. But to many men, it’s all about infatuation

He sounds seedy, block and move on!

Sounds like he needs to buy a blow up doll.

He's already got someone else lined up, if it hasn't already happened.

I wanted to say, you're well rid of the tool, but @Midlifemusings has put it much better.
Seriously @Depressedsingle , allow yourself a little sadness. You were together for 4 years after all, then get yourself back out there and find someone worthy of you.
He doesn't deserve you.

In those 4 years you've probably aged past his minimum ' girlfriend age ' .and
He is a twat , and it says everything about him , and not about you.
Grieve the relationship for the weekend , and then forget him.

Why haven’t you blocked his arse?

This is pretty much the first line in The Cheater’s Script. It has nothing to do with you - you could be a supermodel with the baking skills of Paul Hollywood and cleaning skills of Mrs Hinch. He’s had his head turned and he’s talking like this so he can justify dumping you, or getting you to dump him. I’d put money on him either already having an affair, or having someone lined up and waiting in the wings.

Ugh, block and move on. The fact a middle aged man wants to hang around 20 year olds says everything about him. Respect yourself and don't engage anymore.

Treat him at his own game. List his many flaws....say you're actually quiet relived....you are now free to talk to other guys who have shown interest but you rejected as you were in a relationship ....and that this will be the j look message as you are now blocking.

Worlds full of these cunts. No doubt he will be on a dating app in 5 minutes time. I wish there was a trip advisor type review app for these men so that woman could have a quick look and see the reality of who they are getting involved with. They usually cover it up for 2/3 months before the mask slips and you realise they are an entitled shallow dick like 95% of the male population.

I had a similar expierence with a partner for 4 years - constantly belittling my appearance, weight and clothes. At new year once he said he was going to walk out of the restruant as my dress looked so cheap. You are not alone.

Sorry you have gone through this

Omg Meowmeowmeowmeowmeow that’s awful, glad you are shot of him!

I heard this line once before. The guy was a commitment phobe and shagged around lots. Years later he’s begging for another chance, he says I’m the best looking woman he’s never been with. And I believe him. not that it matters one shit. But fortunately he spun me that line ‘not in love’ despite not even being a looker himself. I managed to escape. He felt the need to be validated by sleeping with lots of women. It’s so shallow and pathetic.

i need to get better at detecting these type of men earlier on.

Something very similar happened to a friend of mine . Although she was ( and is) gorgeous, funny and clever , he kept criticising her then he told her exactly that - not in love etc .
Friend replied saying she agreed that they needed to split as she was very dissatisfied with their sex life and she was embarrassed by his lack of dress sense .
He did not like that but she felt better !

You're better off without him. For whatever reason he's stopped loving you and -whether that's because he's shallow or had his head turned or you've just grown apart - it's what it is.

Try to avoid the assumption that it's a reflection of how attracted to you he is (a couple of the things you've said suggest that you think 'falling out of love' means 'no longer fancy'). They aren't the same thing.

I don't think it matters how beautiful or not you are.

Beauty comes from within and learning to actually like yourself and be at ease with yourself.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you apart from staying with a shallow twat like that for 4 years.

Learn from it, and no tears over a guy that's as shallow as a puddle.

Just thank your lucky stars you didn't waste another 4 years on him.

As a 20-something you can tell him we don't want him 😂

Some go for middle aged, but very few want those who insult women.

I hope you’re completely ignoring his texts OP. Block the prick. He sounds appalling, and no wonder it eroded your self esteem being with someone so shallow (to the point of weirdness, actually - it’s a little bit “It puts the lotion in the basket” to be so fixated on shallow bodily aspects).

Ugh. Feel gratified he’s fucked off.

You can get better at it by educating yourself but loads of them out there
Never be hard on yourself for falling for it initally they know the right things to say and do usually to get some sort of gain from you (usually money or sex) - its having the self worth to walk away when the mask slips