AIBU

[Kabakofte]

Never posted before but this morning I feel riled. My H is step parent to my DS (early 20s). My H and my ex have never got on, as in the past my ex behaved very badly, but this is now 20 years ago. My ex has recently had an accident and is now in hospital for 2 weeks, prior to this he's had a LOT of health issues, stroke, cancer etc and my DS often feels on the edge about his father's mortality. I asked my H this morning if he had said anything to my son (his SS) about the situation and he said no. I tried to explain that given my son's upset that it might at least be nice to say 'sorry to hear about your dad', not because he had sympathy for my ex but because he cares about his SS. Well that's triggered a rant from him about how my son will talk to him if he wants and saying anything is disingenuous and he hates the guy anyway. I feel that he could at least say something to acknowledge what has happened, to show my son that he cares about his feelings (even if he doesn't care for his father). He's just got cross and now says he will do because 'I've worked on him' - I now want to say don't bother, because it will come off so badly!! AIBU???

Does your son have support from anyone other than you with regards to his DF? Could you look to access support? It sounds as though he is going through a lot and it is wearing heavily on him. As for your conversation with your DH, I can totally imagine how the conversation went, I have had many conversations like that in my life! I am usually you in this scenario, trying to get people to understand what the right thing is, and to put their own feelings aside for the "greater good" - (my quote not yours). After a lot of counselling I came to realise that wasn't my place to decide what another person should be doing and I feel less stressed in general about these things. If your DH feels disingenuous about saying anything about your ex to your son, then that is fair enough and would probably come across as you have realised yourself. If he generally supports your son and takes an interest, I would let it go. A person does not have to provide all things to be a good person to have in your life, and your DHs boundaries are clear in this issue. If your DH does not offer any support to your son then that is part of a bigger issue and I would be concerned.

Perhaps removing the onus on your DH saying "sorry to hear about your dad" - which he clearly is not sorry about and just talking to your DH specifically about how your son is doing would have went better?

You are going through a hard time and I hope things get better soon.

I can kind of empathise with your Dh. I don't hold grudges for myself, but when someone has hurt someone I love (and I'm assuming your ex hurt you badly in the past) I find it almost impossible to think of them charitably even when the person who was hurt has moved on long ago. Saying "Sorry to hear about your dad" would make me feel like a massive hypocrite and probably sound like that too.

PP has a good point - is he generally supportive of your DS? if so, then I'd just accept this is a time when he's not going to be much help.

If he's not usually supportive then there's a much bigger problem.

User6776567 thank you for such a full and considered response. My son does need to access more help, he feels things deeply and I'm his let out, which I'm happy to be but he would like to access counselling (it's just the wait and expense). I appreciate what you say about my husband and you are right, it's not my responsibility. I think I am frustrated by the wider picture that my H can just be mean spirited, he doesn't even seem to understand acts of kindness!