started at 01:30
My first thoughts were similar to @Perple's.
I am so sorry that you are going through this @PoppyPinecone I can't even start to imagine how hard this must be for you.
Does anyone in your family, including your DH know about the abuse? Was the monster who did that to you ever punished for it?
Even if you had lots of family love and support from when it happened, even if the monster who did this to you is still in prison, even if you have had loads of counselling, you have still been through a terrible and life changing trauma, that you probably need more help with in order to process everything, and to enable you to live in the best way possible for you, your DC, and hopefully your DH too, as he does sound very nice.
But what if your answer to my question is no, no-one knows, you have never had any counselling, and therefore that monster has never been punished for what he did? You need to start talking/crying/screaming. You need to tell your DC about what happened to you, maybe even describing your attacker to him - but perhaps not actually drawing any comparisons to your husband's figure - at least for now. Then I think you need to have a face to face appointment with your GP, maybe a female one? Then with your GP's advice, choose a counsellor who has had lots of previous experience in this field.
[ I really do think that as our mental health service is so dire, and they just cannot cope with the numbers of people in desperate need of help, that people with mental health problems should be triaged, just like at an A&E department people with physical health problems are triaged. I would have you in the top tier of that list OP ]
I desperately hope that in reality, other people do know at least some of your terrible history, that you have had at least some help and support - if they don't, and if you haven't had any help or support, I don't think you would be able to be at home with your DH and DC. I just don't think it would be possible for a human to have gone through the sort of trauma you have, and yet still be a functioning human being, and such a loving mummy and wife.
So first of all, if you have not got good enough professional and family support, please use as much of your energy that you can spare - I am sure that your batteries must be very depleted now, which means asking for help will be even harder, and if you are not getting enough help at the moment, you somehow need to find the strength - to demand it, hopefully with your DH doing most of the (calm and polite) demands on your behalf.
So your GP, your DH, and any psychiatric or psychological professionals that you are seeing, need to be your first/next people to know that you are still in great need of their help and support. In case you are worried that you think other people will think you should be over your abuse (abuse just is not a strong enough word for it - sorry) by now, you are wrong. There is absolutely no time limit when it comes to things like this (sorry for bringing that up if that is not your mistaken belief, I have those thoughts for my own issues, which incredibly luckily for me were not caused by anything anywhere near as horrific as yours, so I could well be projecting).
Anyway, you definitely need expert professional help in being able to stop your mind from linking your abuser in any way to your DH, and it is definitely not your fault that that is where your mind is taking you, in fact it sounds very logical to me, but obviously quite unhealthy for your relationship with your DH. If you can refrain from telling your DH how you feel about that aspect of him, please do. I am also worried that if you don't get more help in dealing with your demon, it could eventually lead to you linking everything about your DH, including the very fact that he is male, to your attacker. I think like you said, that he would definitely try to lose weight for you, but I also (being very overweight myself) believe that his actual determination to lose weight for that reason, would immediately make it much more difficult for him to do so.
So I am going to suggest something for when you have both more mental and physical energy available to you - I know how physically exhausting young children can be - which is to discuss with your husband that you are beginning to feel too sluggish, and you wonder if (both of) your diets need to be a bit healthier, cut down on sugar - refined sugar really is everyones biggest enemy, and is hidden in so many products from bread to beer - and if you could suggest some activities that you can do quite easily with your little one that also use up quite a bit of energy, and strengthen muscles, and also make you more supple, you might be able to help both of you (well all 3 of you with some of the activities) get fitter and stronger.
They also say that getting your heart beating a bit faster, and expending energy a bit more quickly than usual, and having fun, all help to increase your endorphins, which should help both you and your DH relax more afterwards, and to feel happier. So, obviously walking slighy briskly is one of the cheapest and easiest forms of exercise for most people, and if you find some slight inclines that you could take turns in pushing the buggy up (but make his turn longer than yours!) then all the better. Hopefully if you are in a city there should be some nice parks you could walk in, if you are in a town, maybe you some green spaces that you can access easily, and if you already live in the countryside then you hopefully have lots of different areas you can explore.
To make it more fun - have something to look forward to - and to give your DH some extra weight bearing (on top of his own!) can you take a delicious picnic with you - when I want healthy, but really tasty salads or picnic meals, I look first at vegan recipe books (I am a staunch meat eater, but I will sometimes go to a vegan restaurant for a meal, as they tend to source good quality ingredients, and combine them in interesting and tasty ways), as well as usually being at least reasonably healthy, they often use healthy oils for their dressings etc, you also don't need to worry so much in warm weather about meats like chicken going off on the journey. Then I would add treats like strawberries and raspberries, and take a banana each for their energy, ease of transportation, and their vitamins, I also like their taste and texture so they are a win win for me! Then if your DH takes the picnic stuff in a well balanced, and well constructed backpack, that should help him burn a few more calories than you, hopefully without him realising that that is what he is doing.
If your little one can walk and run, then obviously games with a ball, or throw bags etc are brilliant. Until any DC you have can swim, do you have anyone, that you trust, who can take care of your DC while you and your husband go swimming once or twice a week, and or play tennis or badminton together? Just a few suggestions here, I am so sorry they take up so much space xx