My husband had an emotional affair when I was pregnant/had my 2nd baby. He called me at 4am once off his face and told me all his friends said he was cheating on me but he doesn’t think he was. I was so tired and in new mum hell at the time I just thought wtf, fo. Tbh it was just one other thing in a long line of awfulness,,, not coming home until 8am, drug habit, not coming home when I asked after work (maybe only 3 times I did ask) when I was unwell, never helping with the kids, blaming me for everything etc etc, I could go on. All this went on for years and altho I wanted to change the locks at the time (multiple times) the thought of splitting and therefore not seeing my babies for even one night a month say, killed me, so I didn’t. I parked it to deal with another time. That other time started to surface last year and since then I’ve been trying to ‘figure things out.’ I’ve blamed myself this whole time really about how I can’t just get over it all and move forward but recently through solo therapy I have been having more compassion for myself and can clearly see that all of this may have been quite upsetting so how I feel is valid. My husband and I are at a place where I don’t feel I can get over things. Something has changed for me and I don’t see him the way I used to. It pains me to think of carrying on with the marriage because I am a loving person and can’t not love someone for the rest of my life (I’m 38). He says he can get over it all and carry on.
recently I’ve started to think of the whole period of awfulness as a kind of betrayal from him. Like I can’t trust him anymore, even tho he wasn’t ‘unfaithful.’ But literally this week I’ve been coming back to this emotional affair and wonder how much this has played into this feeling of betrayal I have. We have spoken about it before, he said he was lonely, he found it hard, had a breakdown etc etc,, also blaming me,, I pushed him away, he felt left out when the kids were born etc 🙄. He said the affair was never physical, they worked together and only went for lunches and out in the eve with other work people etc. but he said she listened to him, and ‘no one has before.’ Anyway she got a new job somewhere else through him and he never heard from her again haha. So now I feel I want to delve deeper into this affair and ask him questions. I wonder if I should just ask him? Or should I say things to try and catch him out? Like I’ve spoken to her and she told me you did have sex. Should I actually speak to her? I just want to know the truth. He totally switched off during that period and would literally only smile at home when he received messaged from ‘work’ people.
has anyone been in this sitch before and have any advice on what I should do or how to go about getting more info?
Sorry it’s been long, thanks for reading of you got this far!