Partner wants me to think about childcare but doesnt want me to actually organise it

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Hi new here,

I work full time and my partner works part time and when we are both at work, they will organise childcare with her friends or family. For reasons i wont go into, childcare with my family is out of the question.

My partner is frustrated that i can get up and go to work without thinking about childcare while if they want to go to work, they have to organise childcare. But when i suggest options to contribute to childcare, im shut down as they do not want any additional sources of childcare.

I've pointed out that if they dont want my help with child care (my family or changing working hours) then its not fair to get annoyed. They say "I dont want you to anything different, i just want you to think about the fact you can just get up and go to work without thinking about childcare". I do think about this and i aware of how they are feeling, but how do i show that im taking this onboard and thinking about it. It seems silly to make a point of mentioning it everytime i leave the house

Can you do pickups and drop offs on the days your DP is working? Am I understanding your OP right that your DP doesn’t want you to change your hours to do something like pick-ups drop-offs etc? What exactly have you offered in practical terms?

Is she feeling completely unappreciated? Does she get time to herself when you care for the child? It is mentally exhausting being default parent.

Just tell him that you do think about it and you are very thankful. Then get in with your day!

On days she works do you do things like get the little one’s bag ready the night before?

“Want my help”

I’d be wondering what else you ‘help’ her with tbh.

She sounds like she feels under appreciated and is the mummy/project manager of the family.

I’d take on responsibility for the food shop or the family

Hahah I have probably said exactly the same thing as your partner 😆. I think you have to consider whether the underlying frustration is reasonable. Why do you just get up and go to work? Is there no drop off? What do you do to contribute to the mornign routine? My Dh leaves too early to help with the kids in the morning so he does dishes and will put a meal in the slow cooker once a week or so. But, I have gotten so fed up with him strolling out on weekends etc! You’ve hit a sore point with me today as he was home today because I have gastro. He took ds7 to school…. Leaving ds4 and baby with me. Like wtf? How do you think I manage every day? You are on duty, you get them all dressed and out the door and take them with you! Then he messaged to say he was dropping into a shop to get x… and I called him and said that would be a great plan IF you’d taken your children with you but since you’ve left them here and you’re home to look after them you had better get back asap.
I am looking forward to his paternity leave when I get to stroll out the door to work. I might empty a box of cereal on the floor behind me as I go.

Things that are exhausting about childcare on working days:

Arranging it and being contact person for all scheduling issues.

Getting bags packed & unpacked, lunches or bottles provided etc. Remembering hats/sun cream/nappies/spare clothes.

Getting ready yourself in the morning as well as getting kids ready (as opposed to just getting up, eating your own breakfast & heating out.)

Dropping off kids - time pressure added to journey.

Picking up kids - time pressure added to working day. Coming straight home into Bath/bed etc.

Being the one who does sick days - guilt all round.

Sorry should add, my Dh does pick up when we are both working. I am at the point of flat out shouting if he forgets to empty their bags etc when he does this, but he does make the school lunch every night so I don’t have to in the morning.

Does she have to think about everything else child related too by any chance?
For example who organises the following:

Food shop/meal planning
DC’s lunch/dinner
Packing DC’s bag - nappies/spare clothes etc
DC’s Drs appointments (if applicable)
Realising DC is growing out of clothes and buying new ones
Planning activities/outings/play dates

When you are both working, who gets DC ready in the morning?

Just a small snapshot of other things that your DP might be spending time and energy organising.

Could you contribute more to any of these tasks, and then your DP might be happier with the division of labour?

Maybe she doesn't want more management, more some thought in depth about all the processes involved as mentioned above?

I can see both sides - you do have it easy compared to partner if you can just go to work without thinking about childcare. But your setup means that it has to be your partner's job. If I were you I would acknowledge that there is an unfairness there and chat about what you could do the balance the mental load and faff out, like be responsible for pick-ups or be the one who takes time off for DC illness.

Why are you switching between they and her?

This isn't about childcare it's about feelings and conflicted ones at that.
She wants her feelings validated and you are offering practical solutions. It's like two different conversations.
Counselling can help with the emotional commination if you feel like it
Good luck and I hope that helps

Sounds like she just wants to be acknowledged that she does it - rather than change it.

It seems silly but every now and then saying you appreciate it will go a long way, or saying let me do X and Y because you have to sort out all of the childcare.

Of course it’s her job to sort out because she works PT but it’s still nice to have someone appreciate you.

I’m a single parent and I think that’s one of the hardest things about it - I work FT, cook, clean etc and have no one to acknowledge it, which sounds so petty and childish.

Literally just acknowledging something goes a long way.
Obviously it works both ways too. You are also working FT so she doesn’t have to.

Simple gestures like running a bath because you’ve had a hard day or giving each other the evening off makes such a difference.
Becoming parents is hard because that is when you really start feeling unappreciated.

Sounds like she's taking on the bulk of the mental load. You're both working, so why is it her responsibility to sort the childcare? Even if it's her family doing it, you must have their numbers.

As others have said, do you sort bags etc. What about pick ups and drop offs. And other things as well - not just the food shop and housework, but what about organising new clothes, birthday presents, social engagements etc.

Do you pull your weight?

Why are you switching between they and her?

Not relevant.

This isn't about childcare.

This is about feeling taken for granted.

hi all

thanks for all the feedback.

To answer some Qs

On the day we both work, she does the drop offs as starts later than me and i do the picks as she finishes later however i dont get the bags ready

She does have some time to herself but probably not as much as she wants

on the other day she works i am off completely so that day is 100% my day with DD

She does the food shop, i have offered to do this more but am knocked back, will try again

We both share planning day out etc but more so in her favour when it comes to cloth shopping etc

I do appreciate everything she does i try to convey this to her but its not always well received, she has always been very blunt about things. I used to help more in the mornings but after a while she would say just go to work and let me get on with it, but now she is annoyed that i do "just get up and go". If i do say how much appreciate her for what she does then its often met with a "your only saying that for xyz, stop saying what you think i want to hear etc"

It sounds like she covers more of the mental load. Can you think in advance and pack bags or arrange a outing, just deal with some of the admin