9 years 2 kids and I need to leave

[cloudlike]

Iv been with my bf for 9 years I have a son from a previous relationship who is 15 and 2 kids with my bf a 7 an 2 year old. I rely on my bf financially he goes to work and I stay at home and go to college, so he pays for everything which is what is making it so hard to leave. I am so unhappy all the time I think about leaving every day. Iv tried talking to him about it he doesn’t take anything on board, he drinks every single day like a full crate of lager a day, he smokes 20-30 cigs a day and is addicted to prescription medication. He also sneaks cocaine at work and lies about it I know this as iv gone through his phone and found messages about it. Al his friends at work do it aswel whereas I don’t drink smoke or take drugs so he calls me boring, he makes me feel like I am nothing but a mum. I can’t even explain how much stuff is going on in my head I don’t no how to get out or how I will survive I know I don’t love him anymore but I’m trapped as he gives me quite a lot of money every week and we don’t worry about bills and stuff and when I leave I’m going to be struggling. I am ready to go I don’t think there is any other choice I think I just needed to write it down and make it real. I don’t no how he thinks all is okay and normal we barely even go near each other yea he wants sex all the time but that’s the only time he comes near me there’s no kissing or hugging or hugging on the couch when I go out with my kids I am always on my own he is never around people have commented on it before how I am basically a single mum and I am I don’t need him for anything else but moneu and I need to become independent but it’s going to be hard with my little one being only 2 I’m scared to leave but I hate my life and I hate him. He earns a lot of money I no it will hurt when he moves on and is free to do what he wants and he will probably find someone else and give them everything so I’m trying to accept that aswel before I do take the plunge and tel him to move out

You’re worth so much more than this

How much longer is the college course and what prospects do you have at the end of it?

What support system do you have around you, friends/family/parents? Is the eldest’s Father supportive of them?

I’d start dramatically budgeting the money you’re given each week to allow you to save a good chunk and start researching job opportunities, childcare options, help you’d get with childcare and benefits you’d be entitled to. He’d likely have to also pay you a decent amount of child maintenance.

Would he wants shared custody? He sounds far too selfish to change his life
to accommodate 50/50 so that could work in your favour.

While you get your head together and start making plans and preparing practically, stop having sex with him, he’s not another chore you need to take care of. Invent a women’s problem the doctor had referred you for.

You’re doing the absolute best thing for you and all your DC by leaving, they need to learn this is not how a normal relationship works.

Start getting practical. Can you work around your studies? When you’re on your own you’ll get subsidised childcare for your youngest.

Talk to the CAB and find out what you’ll get in benefits.

It’s never usually easy to leave but it’s always possible and it sounds like you’re there in your head. Do you have a friend or relative you trust to discuss it with? Can you tell your oldest’s dad what’s going on?

You’re doing the right thing for yourself and all your children.

Is he salaried or self employed? You should be able to get child support for the two you have with him.

You could contact your health visitor and see if she can help.

Good luck.

You're absolutely doing the right thing.
Yes it's hard and it's an upheaval but it's good you've made the choice not to live like this any more. He's going to have to pay for his kids and as for him meeting someone else and giving her everything he'll give her exactly what he's given you. A big fat nothing.

I have a year left I’m in uni so il have a degree next June, he definitely wouldn’t want custody of the kids he’s already said he couldn’t because of work and also he works self employed so I don’t think I would get that much child support and he wouldn’t pay it anyway I know it would be me doing it alone. My eldest sons father is out the picture he is even worse than who I’m with now I just can’t pick them at all. Everyone thinks he’s so great my parents love him but they don’t no his true identity he’s so false and I can’t really rely on them for support they have never been emotionally available and I think this is why I have struggled with relationships as an adult they don’t have my kids either so I would be going it alone it’s all so scary but I’m so unhappy I just want out I am going to start saving every week and make a plan to leave in about a month when iv got some money to keep myself going I think I’m just scared of actually doing it because iv left before but I always ask him to come home because I feel so upset it’s all just so much to deal with but I know deep down it needs to end for good this time

I’m sorry you’ve got so little support. You can talk to CAB and your uni will have support services. It’s hard but it’s time to start being honest with people who can help you about what’s been going on.

No one wants young children living with an alcoholic coke head. Open up and hopefully you can make a plan to start your new happy life.

He left me last year on my baby’s 1st birthday 2 days later he was with someone else he ignored me for 3 weeks lied to his kids n I found out by gettin on to his email n seein a hotel hed booked for them both I was suicidal and tried killing myself twice I lost 2 stone in 3 weeks and begged him back I have never been so low in all my life it’s all my fault for going bsck I could of been free I should never have gone back now I’m trapped and it’s worse than ever I cry every single day I hate him but he’s not ugly he’s quite good looking and he’s got money every week and hel be free I’ll be the one at 35 years old 3 kids and nothing I wish he was dead I hate him that much 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Aw OP, I was in a pretty similar situation myself, except no degree behind me and only 2 children.
I left with nothing, only clothes, toys and a few small items for the house.
I had debt and no job.
It took time to steady my life. It was hard at first.
Now we are all happy, I have a job I love and my children are thriving.

My advice is to take all the help you can. CAB was invaluable and UC/Jobcentre where an incredible help. I had to carry on living with the ex for a couple of months while I got everything in place to move out. I spent this time getting all paperwork together, planning budgets, listing and obtaining items we would immediately need.

It was a massive leap and I really felt like I was at the top of a cliff and about to fall. It was however the best move. The peace of mind is incredible.
You can do this OP. Do it in your own time so you feel in control. You will not regret it for a second.