My parents separated when I was 3, and I’m now 22. They have always hated each other, even when I was very little, and I have always been aware of the vitriol they have towards each other. Both of my parents have said mean things about the other behind each other’s backs.
I stopped seeing my dad when I was about 11 and started seeing him again when I was 16. I stopped seeing him because I saw some of his behaviour, such as flirting with women in front of me, that made me uncomfortable and I told my mum. She wasn’t happy about it and those two feelings kind of merged and I decided I wouldn’t see him anymore. This decision has always been tricky in my mind as I’m not sure whether it was my decision or my mum’s.
I started seeing him again at 16 and things were going pretty well. My grandmother and my dad took me to Paris for my birthday. Things were okay, we saw each other once a month roughly, up until my parents decided it was time to move out of the city and into the country. I don’t know whether it was me bringing it up or my dad, I suspect I may have brought her up once, but my dad began questioning my parents (my stepdad and my mum) and their parenting of me. He would ask what it was like in the house, and I would explain there are a lot of silences and my stepdad could be quite domineering in conversations.
since then, my mum was brought up once or twice, as I asked dad about whether it’s normal to give someone on the train your number (it isnt which my mum told me) and he said my mum shouldn’t be controlling who I give my number to. I explained what my mum said regarding the number, how she got upset and worried, and said is shouldn’t be giving random guys my number, and my dad said that made it sound salacious. the thing is I feel so guilty for discussing my mum with him and allowing him to make these comments, because I was sort of discussing why I was annoyed with her and I think I contributed to this image of her as controlling and bad to my dad. I think I was painting her in a bad light. I feel horrible with myself because of this memory and I feel so disloyal to my mum as my mum is really a wonderful person.
it got worse… I stayed at my grandmothers with my dad and on the way home I didn’t say anything because I was hungover. My dad then sent me a message after saying he was worried about me that I was quiet. I said I was fine, just hungover. Then a couple of weeks later I get a message saying ‘I feel like I’m losing you🥺’ and I reassure him he isn’t but this annoyed me a little. Then we meet up and there is an awkward silence and he says there’s been a shift between us in our relationship. I say there hasn’t been, but I did sort of feel that, I couldn’t explain why but I felt myself distancing myself from him. It was entirely mental as I didn’t stop replying to messages or anything.
he then starts really digging into my mum, saying how she’s controlling and over protective. He says she’s got munchausen by proxy, that she wants me like a zombie (I’m on psychiatric medication) and that she wasn’t liked at school, was known as a b. I tried to Stick up for her and said that I’m on medications for a reason and she is just trying to make sure my symptoms don’t come back worse. Before this he was quite condescending toward me, sneering when I mentioned where we now lived and my dog, and insinuating I don’t see my friends enough. he got really angry and wouldn’t stop talking about my mum. He was blaming her for a lot of things and it did make me uncomfortable at times and I did try and stick up for her. I felt like walking off. He is a drug user and said “this is why I want you to try magic mushrooms” when I told him how bad I’d been and that’s why my mum is protective.
he said “I could tell you things about your mother that would make your hair curl”, and I feel so guilty because I was desperate to know what they were and I feel so disloyal.
the main reason I’m writing this is because I feel so guilty that I’ve caused this. I feel like I’ve encouraged my dad to talk badly about my mum or I’ve joined in when I shouldn’t. I feel I don’t deserve my mum anymore but she insists it isn’t my fault. She was a bit upset when I told her what he said, but used to it from my dad she said. Things have gone a bit haywire as my family were furious as my dad for talking to Me in that way and being horrible about my mum (he said some other worse things as well) but I just feel like it’s my fault. Is it my fault? Thank you