How can I help my partner?

[mum1993]

My partner was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes back in 2021. He’s on several daily medications and has been to numerous appointments with dieticians/nurses/doctors to try and get it under control.

To cut a long story short, he’s been told unless he loses weight and controls his diabetes he will die early, yet he still hasn’t changed his ways.

We have 3 small children and it’s killing me knowing that I’m just essentially watching him kill himself. I’ve tried everything I possibly can to help him but he doesn’t seem to want to help himself and if he does make changes, it’s very short lived and he goes straight back to his old ways.

I have told him how I feel in a calm way but he just shuts it down as I know deep down he knows the outcome. I’ve even suggested trying counselling for food addiction as this is something he has mentioned he is struggling with but he hasn’t been proactive in following this through.

How can I get him to listen? I don’t want to lose him 😭

Sorry to read this it must be so difficult to deal with. Does he have any close friends, a brother or other relative who may get through to him?

@AlloftheTime His parents and best friend have all expressed concerns but he gets defensive or brushes it off 😞

Oh no, this sounds so hard.

I'd recommend a combination of buying him the book "How Not to Die" ..... hang on-

How Not to Die: Discover the Foods Scientifically Proven to Prevent and Reverse Disease amzn.eu/d/2wfFlxg

And get him to watch The Game Changers documentary. Very inspiring about healthy eating.

Really hope things change for you both.

There is absolutely nothing you can do and I wouldn't stay with a man like this.

Not only does he have a complete disregard for his own life, he doesn't give a shit about the impact his health has on his family. I could never tolerate such wanton selfishness.

You are not his fixer, op.

There is absolutely nothing you can do and I wouldn't stay with a man like this.
Not only does he have a complete disregard for his own life, he doesn't give a shit about the impact his health has on his family. I could never tolerate such wanton selfishness.
You are not his fixer, op.

^ Totally agree with this. I would give an ultimatum and if he didn't follow though, I'd leave him

You cannot help anyone who does not actually want to be helped. You are not his fixer nor can you fix this for him. Others too have tried and he's brushed away all attempts. What makes you think that your attempt would be successful?.

Tell him you have no desire to be his carer, now or in the future. Especially when he has control over his own health right now. Sort himself out or risk losing you.

Yep, I would be long gone.

It's the same as alcoholism or drug or gambling addiction. You cannot help someone who won't help themselves.

www.diabetes.org.uk
Sign him up, tell him to get his arse in gear. Lots of people manage Type 2 diabetes successfully.

There is nothing to fix. You need to work on you, not him: He is showing you who he is. How are you going to deal with it? What changes do you need to make to your own life to make him being like this bearable for you. Work that out, then tell him that that's what you'll do. Then let him decide if it works for him.

You can't change someone else's behaviour, you can only change your own.

It's difficult because, by the time type 2 diabetes has set in, there has already been decades of bad habits that have contributed to it. This hasn't suddenly appeared on your radar either, so the signs were probably there when you first met and since, however, you have gone on to have a family with him, so in effect have equally brushed it under the carpet.
If he wasn't health conscious when you met, it's going to be tough to get him to be now. It's not impossible though, and I do know someone who has turned their life around, lost lots of weight and actually reversed their diabetes diagnosis.
But the ability to do that comes down to personality, and being willing to change your entire life to the extent of doing entirely different activities in your free time, so that you are not exposed to the bad habits .
Whoever does the food shop needs to stock the house up with entirely different food groups - minimal carbs. IME, having the same food and drink, but with sweeteners in or diabetic versions of what you would of had - chocolate, snacks etc - is never going to work, because you are still copying the flavour of the bad habit food. You have to train your palate to like alternative stuff, that tastes entirely different, only that way will a life change stick. Also, this means you will have to change your own diet, as having the wrong things in the house will be too much exposure, if he had capacity for self control, he would of exercised it by now, so it comes down to avoiding situations.

@Opentooffers When we first met he was 10 stone lighter and an avid gym goer. Slowly over time, the weight has crept on.

I completely agree with you about the food in the house and I even went to the dietician with him to get some ideas. I find he eats best at home but it’s his lunches that let him down as he has free reign when at work and won’t take a packed lunch 🤦🏼‍♀️ I guess I’ve just got to keep doing what I’m doing and try and remove those situations like you said!

I can sympathise with you OP. I've separated from my husband and this was just one of very many things that I couldn't deal with any longer. My H was diagnosed Type 2 a few years back and he started off on tablets, but he never got control of the disease (never really tried). He was then put on an injection as well as tablets. Since I've left him a year ago I've learned he's now on at least 3, maybe 4 injections a day. He's having problems with numbness and pain in his feet and has trouble walking. My H is only 56 and although he has a bit of a tummy, he's not horrendously overweight. However he does absolutely nothing to help, and his diet is awful - completely full of sugar. There's no saying anything to him though because he doesn't listen. I'm convinced he's not going to live to an old age.

@WhenDovesFly Maybe there just is nothing I can do then 😞

My partner is only 33!

I'd be gone. Your partner is an addict and food is his drug of choice.

Would you sit there and watch him shoot heroin or take lines of coke and stay, hoping he'll stop? The choice of drug doesn't matter, he's killing himself in front of you and the children.

Addicts don't care about anyone but themselves, every time he shovels more food into his mouth he's saying that you and his children are less important to him than burgers or cake or kebab or whatever he binges on.

I would not stay in a relationship with a man who has no self control and thinks his family matter less than food.

@IheartJKRowling It might sound silly but I’d actually not thought of it like before!