Starting afresh with my 1 year old

[PurpleCurtain]

I need some help. I was diagnosed with OCD late in pregnancy, still have it. Managing with rules but certain triggers cause panic attacks where i am completely paralysed, i don't know how to move or how to solve anything around the situation. My husband is fairly supportive of my OCD and its rules, but has his own MH issues and won't get help. He gets angry over not much and generally hates other people and socialising. He is great with our baby, and he loves sport and exercise, and when we are not fighting I love him to bits. We routinely fall out because he snaps at me having a 'stressed tone of voice' when I'm triggered by something and ask him to fix it (e.g. wash his hands or change what he's doing). He will yell at me in front of baby and regularly threatens that if i dont apologise for how I am treating him, he will leave. He particularly cannot support me in my moments of paralysis. This evening resulted in me stuck on the floor next to our baby and my husband screaming at me, with baby there, and unfortunately eventually me screaming back as my husband ran away upstairs and I needed him to come help as I literally could not move. My baby gets so visibly upset by the fighting. I really don't know what to do next. I am waiting for medication - it was my last resort, but therapy hasn't helped me - but i don't know for sure that i won't get these panic attacks again, and i can no longer deal with the situation where my husband wont support me and screams in front of baby. Tonight he tore his top off in anger and left home like that. I have no family nearby and only a couple of friends, all of whom are also friends with my husband. Something needs to change, im worried about the impact on my son and the years this stress and fighting are taking off my life, how do i make that happen?

I had severe OCD from the ages of 19 -25 (My uni career) I am in recovery now thanks to CBT, flooding and SSRIs. The main thing I can say is that your husband needs to stop having any involvement in your rules. Him going along with them just makes the association between your triggers and your compulsions stronger. You need to speak to an HCP, it will not go away on its own. You should look to see if you have local Wellbeing service that you can self refer too.

How does that make logical sense? People without OCD also have rules about the day-to-day of their household. Some of mine are things like the amount of time the washing can sit wet in the machine before going in the dryer. What would be the benefit to anyone in him actively not following that and growing mould on our clothes? I think this is why therapy hasn't worked for me if that is the advice given. Why is it reasonable for me or him to want to put me in a situation where I at worst am paralysed and don't want to be here, and at best am not fit to look after our son? As that's what would happen. I literally cannot afford to take the risk of making things worse in an attempt to make things better. I had separate OCD a few years ago where I believe if I went on a train, I would die. The therapist I saw insisted that the only solution was for me to try getting on a train.

I don't have any experience of OCD, but the thing that struck me the most in your post was that you expect him to be tolerant of your OCD, but you admit that he has mental health issues himself, but you seem to gloss over this and can't understand why he won't follow your rules...

I do sympathise, I can't imagine what it's like to have OCD, but although you admit you have this, you also say that you don't understand why he won't follow your rule about how long the washing can stay in the machine because otherwise it will go mouldy... But you must realise deep down that it won't go mouldy if it stays in the machine another half an hour? That is your OCD talking, and I fully appreciate that OCD isn't rational, but you can't expect him to go along with whatever rule you have decided you need to follow, regardless of how rational it is?

Sorry, my response was at the previous poster who suggested the solution was for him not to follow my rules. He DOES follow my rules and I am immensely grateful he does. Perhaps a better example of a rule is around things I would need him to wash or clean as a result of visible mould, as there is a definite risk not a risk I'm trying to preempt (though as a teenager I have had mould develop on clothes having left them in the machine for 24 hours, so unfortunately I'm very aware there is a line and that it isn't all irrational). What he doesnt' do is support me in any way when I'm having a panic attack, as the moment I get outwardly stressed he seems to shut down and start to get angry and shout.... his issues are anger management... I am tolerant of course but I am completely worn down by his absolute refusal to get any help or to help me to understand how I can help. I've been through all of the help I can possibly find for me, good and bad, because I know I need to do it for the sake of my friends and family and am trying to be positive that the solution for me is out there. I struggle to understand why he doesn't see that he owes it to himself, to me and to baby to try to change something, and I struggle to understand where we go from here if nothing changes. You're right to point to me needing to support his mental health but how does that help us? I don't know my own name during these panic attacks so in those moments if he is also struggling I don't see what we can do.

I know you say you're getting help via therapy and medication, but I think you should go back to your GP and also your Health Visitor and let them know you're struggling and that the arguing between you and your husband is making things particularly hard. I know you must know this, but this will start to affect your child if you continue to argue in front of him. Reach out to the professionals around you and don't stop asking for help until you feel you're getting what you need. I'm sorry, it sounds like a really tough situation and I'm sure it'll take time, but reach out now and make that first step.

OP. The point about compulsions is that they are maldaptive and not logical. Your clothes would have to be in the machine for days on end to become mouldy. I am not denying that the 'paralysis' is real. At my worst, I stayed out in the rain for over 2hrs, because no one came to push a crossing button and I could not do it myself. You have to come to a point where you cannot cope with the compulsions anymore and you have to work to challenge your thinking, recognising it is maladaptive, rather than keeping saying 'my way is logical and everyone else is wrong. For me that came after 7 nights of no sleep because I had to clean the light switches. it is a hard trot, but it can be done in combination with things.

What you are doing at the moment is unfair to everyone, you included. Your behaviour is impacting on your husband, you are treating him badly by your own admission and your son will suffer too as he gets older and you will keep feeling guilty and the compulsions will get more engrained. You asked the question here and I do not really appreciate your tone. I shared my recovery to try and help, which you asked for and you have dismissed my experience quite belittling and aggressively. That is why OCD is so shitty. it makes everyone around us suffer too.

If you're paralysed by panic attacks and your husband shuts down/runs away, it sounds like you need urgent intervention. It's not safe for your baby let alone the impact of the arguing on him.

Tbh it sounds like you are both pretty unwell. Can you explain all this to the GP to try and get your prescription expedited? Or to see what else they can offer?