Fuming with husband

[Mrspige]

I’m so angry with my husband right now. We share our money. Both get paid into the same bank account and all bills etc go out and what’s left we just spend between us. Anything more than £50 we tend to discuss. Recently we’ve been falling out about money.

a few weeks ago his mum sent some money over to his cousin in Australia and then told my husband his sisters to also send something. My husband said he’d just buy him a pint when they come over at Xmas but his Kim insisted they send money (she likes to show off to her sister) My husband and his sisters sent $100 between them and we never got so much as a thank you. Firstly why can’t what his mum sent be off everyone? And secondly why is he told by his mum what he should send for a cousin he’s met once.

in laws are quite well off. Just had lots of work done on their house and always shopping in M&S etc look down on people who shop at aldi. “You get what you pay for” they always say. My husband likes to almost show off to his parents when we buy stuff and it really annoys me. Like look at me. He’s always trying to be on the same level as them but they have 30 years on us!

it’s his sisters 30th birthday next week. My sister is a few months older and for her 30th we bought a £70 Ted baker bag. We had a conversation about money only this morning and how we don’t have much disposable. He’s just told me he’s bought his sister a £120 zip world gift voucher. I’m fuming!! His sister who btw we have seen once this year. Sends the kids a card in the post. He’s done that to show off in front of his family.

he always says “ I earn it I can spend it”. But he has no idea about bills etc and even though we discussed it he’s ignored me. In my opinion he’s spent far too much on his sister, he’s a show off and I am fuming!
its disrespectful to our family. Our boys will go without this summer hols because of this.

just to caveat that my husband does earn about £500 more than me a month but it’s never been an issue and I do work 4 days at the moment.

i am bouncing!! Majorly
pissed off right now. Because we had the conversation this morning!!

his response was “well I don’t like your sister”(which he doesn’t) and “i’m minted I can spend what I like” and “it’s a funny present”

I understand your anger.
Life is always difficult when money is tight and budgets have to be stuck to.

I don't understand why he was expected to send money to a cousin.
In truth, I don't understand why either of you are spending that much on birthday presents, but I think what you need to do is set up a standing order to each of your personal accounts, so each person has the same amount each month for their own spending money.
That way, he gets to spend what he wants on his family (out of his own money) but that will obviously then leave him quite short for personal spends. You can use yours for whatever your own 'treat' is and keep spending on your family lower.

Thank you for the reply. I completely agree. It’s ridiculous to spend that much. His justification is that it’s her 30th and he knows his parents and sisters will expect him to buy her something special. It’s a joke with his family over birthday and Xmas. Everyone gives eachother a £50 voucher and this same £50 just floats around. It drives me mad. For his mum’s 60th the 2 sisters clubbed together with dh and bought her a hotel voucher for £350 and then on top of that we bought flower, had a cake made and gave his sister… £80 towards the food and drink. I was fuming!! More like we paid for the food and bloody drink! Honestly he loves his facade that we’re well off but we’re honestly not. Drives me mad! We have a bit expensive house in an expensive area. That’s what our money goes on. Through choice but we don’t have much disposable. He just likes to show off like we do. Thanks for the suggestion ok our own money. We did used to do that much he always ran out and took money out the joint so it was me that ended up with less!

OP,

Separate your money and be honest about it.

He likes to show off and doesn't care if his children go without?.

Are you happily married?

Because anyone that immature and happy to send money to distant relatives on instruction of his mum, leaving his children short, would not be someone I would be depending on.

He needs to grow up but this appears to be a pattern of behaviour with money.

Start protecting yourself and your children from his idiocy.

That's why separate finances work great! I can spend what I want on my large family and dh doesn't know/ care/ think about it! He has only 1 living relative. I couldn't be dictated to about how much I could spend on xx birthday. Btw we both earn pretty much the same (me a little more) and split bills equally.

I wouldn’t say happily. I’d say secure. I don’t have many family to rely on or close friends really and have been with dh since I was 17. He’s selfish though and really pushes
my buttons like no one else could.

we rowed big time tonight and he was calling me a joke and laughing in my face our son heard the whole thing and was very upset. I was not in nova shouting at dh and I did swear and he told my boys not to marry someone like me!

i do love my husband but lately I think we’re incompatible! We’re so different!

Good grief, he sounds truly awful. Having a row is one thing, but saying that to your dc crosses the line, it really does.

Your marriage is in serious trouble.

It's so damaging to raise kids in this toxic environment.

You're not happy, you're not on the same page and your relationship is so toxic now that you're having slanging matches in front of the kids.

Surely that's enough for you to end it?

It's rarely as simple as he earns £500 more than you a month so he gets £500 extra to spend without discussion. If the finances are shared, items outside budget should be discussed. If you separate the finances, handle expenses fairly - he may earn more money than you but is he also doing half of all the household work and childcare? If he's doing less because you work less, it may balance out. His "I make it I spend it" and "I'm minted" comments, in the context of his spending decisions, sound suspiciously like he may feel he's contributing more than you.

... he was calling me a joke and laughing in my face our son heard the whole thing and was very upset. I was not in nova shouting at dh and I did swear and he told my boys not to marry someone like me! Sounds awful. You may both be contributing to it but he's openly disrespectful of you. You should both learn to keep control and talk constructively. Even if you split up, you're going to need to communicate civilly over the children.

Why are you buying adult relatives birthday presents?

He’s selfish though and really pushes my buttons like no one else could.

we rowed big time tonight and he was calling me a joke and laughing in my face our son heard the whole thing and was very upset. I was not in nova shouting at dh and I did swear and he told my boys not to marry someone like me!

See, now this ^ is the issue here.
Totally disrespecting you not only in front of, but directed at your dc is the line that he has crossed for me.

I kind of get that people have different traditions / upbringing / expectations about money, or about how you spend Christmas or about bedtimes or whatever, but two adults in an equal relationship need to be able to discuss the and agree to disagree if need be, but should be able to work out some solution.
However, I would not be spoken to like that by anyone. It is that which crosses the line for me,, not the overspending issue as much.