What do you do when you don't want marriage but do want commitment

[sameoldblackbag]

My partner would like commitment in the form of marriage.
I would happily never marry again. I love him and want him
To move in when kids go to Uni and then see if we are compatible living together.
He has lives on his own for ten years so is particular, organised and takes his time with everything .
I'm a frazzled mum of three teens and the house is chaotic .. relatively.
We would t last a week presently.
So he's like to marry in time, I'm happy with commitment .
I'm financially and domestically Independent, love my space, my time with kids on my own.
He gets on great with them but on a weekend basis.
I do t need to think about this right now but what do you suggest ?
We'd like to grow old together

Sounds like you both want commitment, but it means slightly different things to both of you. For him (and for a lot of people) commitment means getting married, having that ring on your finger, that signed document etc etc.

Have you had the conversation with him about why you don't want to get married, and also why he really wants to get married? Does he feel pressure from society and sees it as the done thing to do in a relationship? Do you feel like getting married again may just ruin a good thing?

This is one of those situations where either you or him will have to compromise to make things work. There are worse things that could be happening though. Sounds like you're both committed to the relationship so I can't imagine that getting married (or not getting married) would be a big deal either way.

I think the fact you have teenagers is pertinent here. It’s a very transitional stage, knowing they will grow up and eventually leave. They still want stability at home though. I’d find it hard to make any permanent family decisions at this point.

You and your partner sound really committed to each other, so I wonder if it’s just that the timing is wrong. You haven’t said if you live together but maybe a five year (or so) plan might work.

It’s a difficult thing to blend families and you are right to take your time..

Thanks. I don't agree with blended families so this is why o want us to be absolutely
Separate until we formally commit

This is very wise, as long as your partner hasn’t set any deadlines.
I assume you have more time together than just the weekends?
The organisation versus chaos, is this something that bothers only you, just him, or both, and is it a bone of contention already?

You could get married/have a civil partnership, but still live separately. It's not completely unknown.

The commitment is staying together not marriage so I don't understand it.

There is no need to get married today, dosent mean your not committed and you can also have a will done etc.
Marriage is outdated and dosent mean much today anyway with loads of people divorcing.

For me the more important question would be around assets and inheritance etc as you have children to think about. Are you both in similar positions financially, similar pensions and house equity etc?

Commitment is a red herring, as more than 40% of marriages end in divorce. Yes, you are required to make a public promise of commitment, but clearly that isn't binding!

If you are both committed to the relationship and have discussed and agreed that, then surely that's all that's needed. I agree that you would need to consider the financial implications of marriage and whether you are happy with what that would entail.

I am in a similar position op. I have been with my dp for 3 years and we don't live together for various reasons (mainly because I have two teens at home and we would need a bigger house to accommodate us all and neither of us are in a financial position to do that currently). I also want to be present for my dc when they are with me.

He has mentioned that he would like us to get married one day. My divorce is just being finalised after separating from my ex almost 5 years ago and I can't possibly imagine marrying again. He is also still embroiled in financial disputes with his ex, although divorced.

I loved being married to my ex but he had an affair and shattered my world and although I am not anti-marriage per se, I just don't feel it's something I want or need to do again. We both have dc and will not be having any more and we both work. We might live together when the time is right but that way I feel is that my commitment to him come in the form of being with him and him only and being in a loving, respectful relationship, which is the opposite of how both or our marriages turned out to be.

I certainly won't be pressured into marriage and would end the relationship rather than marry when it's not what I want.

Ask yourselves what would constitute a proof of commitment.

Do you use words, a written agreement, some kind of ceremony?