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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Someone give my head a wobble

24 replies

Echoes89 · 28/07/2022 14:48

So I've had a fwb situation for about 10 months. Previous thread on hot and cold behaviour. Finally accepted that I'm not gonna change his mind and although it's fun sometimes it feels lacking. I know there's no future in it and I'm ready for an actual relationship now.
Told him I'm dating again, he basically said he didn't want to hear about it because it hurts when he has feelings for me, but can't stop me if that's what I want to do. I know this is a case of him having easy access to sex and wanting the girlfriend experience of days out and holidays with no commitment and the ability to leave me with no guilt if a beautiful 20 year old blonde woman takes a fancy to him.
But I felt so guilty about the date I went on the other day, felt like I was cheating on him.
My head knows I need to move on and go for a man that would see a future with me. I just feel a bit rubbish and guilty about the whole thing. It's like I feel bad about putting my own needs first

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 28/07/2022 14:50

If it hurt him that much that you're back on the dating scene, he'd have swept you off your feet and made it exclusive! He just knows the right things to say. You carry on, sod him! He's the zero-hours contract of dating.

takeitandleaveit · 28/07/2022 14:51

Consider your head thoroughly wobbled.

Get a grip, woman. He doesn't want you, but he doesn't like it if someone else does? The bloody nerve of the man. Tell him to eff off.

JustJeans · 28/07/2022 14:52

You need to stop seeing him. Cold turkey.
Go and enjoy your dates.

easyday · 28/07/2022 14:53

Sit down with him and call him out on his 'hurt' and having 'feelings for you'. Ask is he wanting to move things to a proper exclusive relationship (you can ask without saying how you feel). If no, then say sorry mate it's been fun but I'm looking for something with a future and this fwb isn't working for me anymore. Smile, and walk away.
If he says yes then say it HAS to be exclusive or you're not interested.
As you have discovered, dating while also having a fwb is tricky. Best to do one or the other.

blacksax · 28/07/2022 14:53

He had his chance and he blew it. Now he's trying to make you feel guilty for moving on? Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

You go and rub his nose in it some more.

Original poster
Echoes89 · 28/07/2022 14:55

@FetchezLaVache haha your last sentence made me laugh, yes I know he would have wanted to commit if it actually bothered him that much. He even said that he'd have to start dating again in that case... A couple days down the line he's on WhatsApp an awful lot more and not replying to me very quickly. So I know he must already be talking to other women. Not exactly heartbroken is he?!

Have a habit of putting other people's feelings ahead of mine. Shouldn't feel guilty but feel terrible

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 28/07/2022 14:57

Talk about cake and eat it, bin him off, you don't need to explain a thing to him. He's got you on the hook when he wants you, and he knows it. Don't believe a word of his hurt feelings. His actions tell you how bothered he is about you, you're a convenient leg over.

Angelofthenortheast · 28/07/2022 14:57

OMG go cold turkey on this guy! Think of yourself in 5 year's time lying on the beach with your new husband/partner after waking up to breakfast in bed on your anniversary. Good guys are out there, don't waste your time on this minimal effort one!

Dery · 28/07/2022 15:07

If it hurt him that much that you're back on the dating scene, he'd have swept you off your feet and made it exclusive! He just knows the right things to say. You carry on, sod him! He's the zero-hours contract of dating.”

This.

Bemused3 · 28/07/2022 15:24

I had the exact same FWB situation when I was 20 with a man in his 30s, and (against my better judgement, or indeed any common sense) I grew to fancy him. He claimed that he had feelings for me, but didn’t want a relationship with me. I decided to move on and began dating other people because it was unhealthy continuing the FWB relationship as it was, and he exploded and claimed that I was “cheating”. I also felt like I had been cheating, even though we were not in a relationship. It was all just manipulation; he was creating the facade of a relationship without actually committing to it. Needless to say he’s been single for a long time and has never had much luck with women.

Some men want all the perks of a relationship — the girlfriend experience and the sex without any of the commitment or emotional investment. I look back now and realize that he probably didn’t have any feelings at all for me and that I was totally naive: he just knew what to say and when to say it in order to keep me reeled in.

Keep those kinds of manipulative men at the end of a barge-pole. It makes me a bit sick to the stomach thinking about it now. I thought I was head over heels in love with him, and yet he was an utter loser with an A* in manipulation.

Bemused3 · 28/07/2022 15:24

@Dery Totally agree.

Watchkeys · 28/07/2022 15:44

Have a habit of putting other people's feelings ahead of mine

Where does that come from? Something to do with your upbringing, I'd guess. What was your relationship like with your parents? What was their relationship with each other like? Did everybody listen to and respect everyone else, or was there a person/situation that everyone had to prioritise?

Original poster
Echoes89 · 28/07/2022 16:47

@Watchkeys I dunno really, don't think it's childhood related to be honest. Always been like it with relationships and friendships, just a bit of an impulse really. Like to make people happy and would much rather inconvenience myself than let someone down

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 28/07/2022 16:55

So your parents were happy and well, and respectful of you, and of each other?

People aren't born as 'people pleasers', it's a habit that forms for a reason, and it's not healthy, as you're discovering. Any idea where it did come from? Might help you work it out.

Dery · 28/07/2022 18:11

“Like to make people happy and would much rather inconvenience myself than let someone down”

Yes but ultimately that stops you taking responsibility for yourself and makes you vulnerable to being exploited. When people maintain their boundaries and are clear about what’s okay and what’s not okay - that’s actually helpful for everyone else. If you people please (and I speak as an inveterate people pleaser), you’re making other people responsible for your well-being. It doesn’t help you and ultimately it doesn’t help them.

WaveyHair · 28/07/2022 18:20

So he has feelings for you but not enough of them for a relationship. So he likes the look and feel of a relationship but not with you essentially.

All he is worried about is you ditching him before he finds this mythical 20 year old blond. At which point your feelings will not even feature in his mind.

This is all his choice - you have nothing to feel guilty about.

OldFan · 28/07/2022 18:30

Told him I'm dating again, he basically said he didn't want to hear about it because it hurts when he has feelings for me

He's fucking with your feelings and using you.

What a dickhead.

I blocked my twattish 'F' WB and have never looked back.

Fabswingers · 28/07/2022 19:44

Sort it out!!! It’s YOUR life, you’re supposed to be number 1!!! You come first.

Dont be guilty. You have a fwb whilst you find someone to fill the gap better. Perfect. Don’t be guilty for going for what you want!! It should be about you!

OldFan · 28/07/2022 20:18

Dont be guilty. You have a fwb whilst you find someone to fill the gap better. Perfect. Don’t be guilty for going for what you want!! It should be about you!

@Fabswingers This bloke's messing with her head, though.

Original poster
Echoes89 · 28/07/2022 20:44

I know I'm being ridiculous, I really do. I've decided I need to push through it and try to ignore my feelings of guilt as best as I can. I've agreed to a 2nd date with the other guy for tomorrow but now I feel guilty about both of them like I'm leading the second guy on 😅 I'm definitely not, he's seems lovely and ticks alot of the boxes I like in a man. Which is rare on OLD where I usually attract man children or creeps haha.
I think my lack of self esteem doesn't help, but it'd just be nice to find a man who is delusional enough to think I'm a catch lol

OP posts:
Haggisfish3 · 28/07/2022 20:54

Thank you op. Some of the comments on here are helping me see patterns in my life.

seaUrchinOne · 28/07/2022 22:29

I think you need to detach from him totally, you don't need him sexually, you can find that with other men you date, you don't need him emotionally as he doesn't want that connection with you. Too many in the mix makes it confusing, date one at a time, no need to date for long, you'll know if it feels right. Take control of what you want and make yourself unavailable to men that don't want to put the effort in starting a relationship with you. Don't wait for men to find you a catch, you are searching for someone worthy of your time.

FurElsie · 28/07/2022 22:40

Oh fgs you agreed to fwb now you want something more, he's trying to guilt trip you into the status quo which is great for him still. Chop him and move on, don't feel guilty about 2 blokes!! If you do, as a previous person said, you need to analyse your heart, mind and background, with counselling if needed. Wish you all loce and strength, do what's best for you xx

FurElsie · 28/07/2022 22:46

FurElsie · 28/07/2022 22:40

Oh fgs you agreed to fwb now you want something more, he's trying to guilt trip you into the status quo which is great for him still. Chop him and move on, don't feel guilty about 2 blokes!! If you do, as a previous person said, you need to analyse your heart, mind and background, with counselling if needed. Wish you all loce and strength, do what's best for you xx

I mean love not loce 😁 💕💕

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