Advice on Sibling Relationship Going Down the Pan

[Siblingo]

Context is breakdown of a relationship following bereavement.

I have one brother. Our mother died and it was a prolonged death in a hospice where I was sitting by her bedside for 24 hours. Prior to the end of her life, my mother had been caring for my father. My father has dementia and when my mother went into the hospice, I have moved back to my parents home which is +200 miles away from where I normally live and work. I've pretty much given up everything to care for him.

My brother has done nothing at all but that's not why I'm posting. Recently he's started being really nasty and critical about everything I'm responsible for. He comes to visit and makes snide comments about how the house is dirty and messy, how [insert anything you can think of] isn't fit for purpose and needs refurbishing, comments on my character, how negative I am and so on. Occassionally there will be hint of truth but the bulk of it is either nonsense or stuff that doesn't matter to me - as in I don't really care that he thinks that the hall needs decorating or the furniture is old fashioned. It hurts though because it's was my mothers home with my father.

I think the reason for him acting out is he is feeling guilty and has certain issues related to the death of my mother and his lack of care for my father and guilt at my taking on this role alone its causing him to attack me.

I'm generally a sensitive person anyway but in my grief I'm hypersensitive so I get very very hurt and upset by his nastiness. If I was feeling tough I'd probably not care less. What I'd like to do is tell him exactly what I think of his vileness but this will provoke a huge row and I do need him at the moment so don't want to estrange him. He's not the kind of person where you could approach it gently and have a 'civilised' conversation. It would be an escalted row.

My question is has anyone got any advice about how I can deal with his snide comments and attacks on me and let it wash over me?

It's awful but I feel like I really hate him after he leaves which isn't healthy. So as not to drip feed, I am recently starting to feel really resentful that he isn't really offering any support with my father. I wanted to have a week's break to do an educational course for my work and asked him if he could stay with my father that week. He said he could do 48 hours - so that means I can't go at all which makes me really sad.

I think I'm angry at him as well. I want to cry all day every day.

I'm sorry you're having such a shit time op.

Honestly though, it's nice that you've personally chosen to care for your parents, but many people could not/would not do this. Including myself.

I would do all I could to ensure they had appropriate home care, or were placed in a care facility, but I would absolutely not do it myself. I don't think you should be angry that he doesn't want to provide care himself, even for a week.

But you're not unreasonable to be angry with him for being critical of their home. It's none of his business what their home is like.

Are you in the UK?.

What was his relationship like with his parents in the years prior to their ill health?.

What was your relationship like with your brother in the years prior to your parents ill health?.

Be careful here because in caring for your father like this now, you could well end up with carer burnout. It could be argued you have given up too much actually to care for him as the cost to you emotionally is too high already. It was and remains not your sole task here to care for your dad.

Is there any involvement from Social Services here and or his GP locally?. Where is your own support?. Can you actually go back to your hometown and job?. You need this because you will go under otherwise due to the sheer strain of it all.

I would also suggest you post in the Elderly Parents section of this website too.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents

thks @gingergato and@AttilaTheMeerkat

yes I'm in the UK

His relationship wasn't great. when we were younger it was good but recently poor. He made it very clear he had other priorities which I think hurt my parents although they would never have said.

Mine was similar previously good relationship but then in recent years grew apart.

Be careful here because in caring for your father like this now, you could well end up with carer burnout. It could be argued you have given up too much actually to care for him as the cost to you emotionally is too high already. It was and remains not your sole task here to care for your dad.

I know it's not something I have to do but feel that I want to do it really. He's just lost his wife and they were married for 63 years. He's ok really at the moment and I think a lot of that is because he's in a familiar environment. I feel its important to him at the moment to have familiar people around him.

No social service involvement. I did speak to them but he's in a the worst spot because he just scrapes over the level at which you have to pay for your own care but we couldn't afford to pay for what he needs for him to stay in his home.

I really feel that given how much I gained from having them as my parents, it's only right really that if I can help him have a good quality of life that I do that.

This is getting a bit off why I posted though - which is really about tips for managing to not get upset/react badly to my brother's unpleasant comments.

I think what's driving it is like I said is that he knows he behaved badly in the years prior to my mothers death and his guilt feelings are causing him to seek around for anyone or anything else to blame.

If your Dad's capital just scrapes over the level at which he has to fund his own care have you considered using sufficient to get care in place for him for the week you need for your course? If that will take him below the threshold that should help with eligibility for any future care costs. And it might be possible to get some respite provision from your adult social services.

At this point, for your own well-being, and to give you a small break of sorts - a change, and to assist you with progressing in your own life in the future I imagine your Dad would not begrudge dipping into funds.

but we couldn't afford to pay for what he needs for him to stay in his home.

Do you mean not even for a week? And could or would your brother help with the costs if he does 48 hours and you pay for 5/6 days? For every hour you support your father you might be seen to be putting money in your brother's pocket when the time comes and the matter of any inheritance has to be attended to.

Maybe you could remind him that you've borne the load but if you cannot continue because the toll is too much for one person then adult social services would look to eventually recover costs from the sale of the family home. Maybe that would focus his mind.

I am sorry your brother is being such an arse. It may be his guilt but it sounds a bit like he's assessing the property.

"My question is has anyone got any advice about how I can deal with his snide comments and attacks on me and let it wash over me?"

Sadly there is no one surefast method that will work against that and given your brother's overall demeanor towards you, you will likely end up on the receiving end of far more unpleasantness from him.

You absolutely need some outside support of your own here; you cannot and should not be doing this on your own as carer burnout is a real possibility. Look carefully at his care needs going forward because your energy levels are finite.

It will likely get to a point also, perhaps sooner rather than later, where you can no longer look after him. You will also have to return home to your own life. Keep on at Social Services and his GP as well; they are more than happy for you as his daughter to do all this for them.

His local council has a legal duty to carry out a needs assessment once they become aware of the person’s potential needs. This means that anyone can request a needs assessment for another person.

You tell him that he needs to stop criticising and needs to do step up.
if he feels something is dirty, he needs to clean it.
he needs to either pay for your father to go into a home for a week or look after him himself. You just tell him this is happening, that you’re looking after him full time and he needs to do something.

Hmmm … I think I’m the “brother” in this scenario.

My older Brother, has moved back to our home town, and moved in with mum as her carer. She’s 86, mobility is bad, as is hearing & sight, and is showing early signs of dementia.

We all had a troubled relationship with mum, and still do to a point. Our upbringing was (at best) dysfunctional, we suspect she has some sort of BPD.. she was emotionally abusive, as sometimes physically abusive.

They are co-dependant .. but, she could not live in her own. The house is grim.. needs a really good clean. When I go round, if I say (or try to do) anything .. they both get offended. There are 3 siblings who go round regularly, and if we suggest any decorating, improvements or anything, they see it as a criticism or insult. They are both hypersensitive to any comments.

I applied for, and got attendance allowance for her, and he’s applying for Carers Allowance .. but they aren’t short if money. I even offered to ask my cleaner to come round and help.

my brother has been away, so I was looking after her .. had a good clear out, and clean round .. and got a whole fixed in the roof.

DH's brother did this. We did everything for both his parents before they died. Brother reappeared after parents dead. Funny how he was so much less busy when there was no work to be done, just money to be had and some minibreaks in their home. We don't speak anymore.

I was literally taking phone calls in the middle of the night, fixing problems and BIL criticised the methods by which I had done things, whilst doing nothing ever. I hate him.

Thanks to all for replies and thoughts

@BeggarsMeddle and @underneaththeash

And could or would your brother help with the costs if he does 48 hours and you pay for 5/6 days? For every hour you support your father you might be seen to be putting money in your brother's pocket when the time comes and the matter of any inheritance has to be attended to.

The difficulty I have is that I can't really face the fact of leaving my father alone with strangers to care for him at the moment. I know long term I will have to grapple with it but he's still very much grieving and I would feel too guilty just parking him with a carer at the moment. My brother isn't willing to do a week. There is enough money to pay for a week's home care but the problem is the emotional side of it for me as I feel it's just too recent.

@ExtraOnion

The house is grim.. needs a really good clean. When I go round, if I say (or try to do) anything .. they both get offended. There are 3 siblings who go round regularly, and if we suggest any decorating, improvements or anything, they see it as a criticism or insult

This is not the scenario I'm in. The house isn't grim at all. It's not dirty or unhabitable. It's more like he's looking for reasons to complain. It's like the hotel inspector who will run their white glove across the top of a picture frame and say it's a fail because there is dust their. I mean not that level of super-clean but you get what I want to say I think.

In terms of your own situation, from my perspective, I'd say turning up to a home you don't live in and offering full on criticism to a person shouldering the burden of caring is bound to upset them. It's really hard caring for someone full time espeically with dementia and time to clean is limited. A successful day is the parent being happy, fed and water and not having injured themselves or put themselves in danger.

Saying anything about the state of the home is always going to be difficult. Just do it is what I'd suggest. Pay for a cleaner to come round and be there when they are there & help. That's assuming that you are right in your case and it is really grim and that you are not doing what my sibling is doing which is projecting and picking faults to justify reasons why they can not visit very often and to find reasons why the caring sibling is failing.

Again getting off my main question really which was how to not let the comments upset me.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Sadly there is no one surefast method that will work against that and given your brother's overall demeanor towards you, you will likely end up on the receiving end of far more unpleasantness from him.

I just need some tips to get me through my hurt and sensitivity and stop myself from ending up where we just don't speak any more.

You know, I would tell him how you feel.
Brother. Stop coming here and taking out your guilty feelings on me. If you stepped up and helped me more things would be a lot better for our dad and I. You are very reluctant to help out for some reason and seem to enjoy pulling me up on any little thing you think is wrong.
Why should he get away with coming over with his scathing criticism. He’s awful.

Sibling relationships can be very, very complicated.

You are in a situation where you have chosen to give up your life and build a new one around caring for your Dad.

Your brother doesn't want to do that, which is his right.

He might think he is being helpful and not realise he is hurting you. Perhaps he means that your parents should have had the hall decorated? Or that your parents lived alongside lots of stuff which they don't need?

I think the burden of care is falling heavily on your shoulders and you understandably feel angry because your brother isn't taking 'his share' of the burden.

But he is free to make his choice, just as you have made yours.

Why did both you and your brother have a less close relationship with your parents before they got ill? Is it possible that your brother and you are carrying some anger at them?

I think you and your brother are both grieving and dealing with difficult situations, and sadly you have both retreated to your 'corners'.

He is in the moany, picky, disengaged corner, probably carrying a lot of guilt.

Your corner is the family saviour who is doing everything for everyone and doesn't feel 'seen' by him.

Neither of these positions are, I feel, helpful or necessarily true.

But I've said this before and I'll no doubt say it again: my DM passed last year and the hardest thing to deal with has been being back in a family dynamic that I thought I'd walked away from a long, long, time ago. I've had grief counselling which actually hasn't been very much about grief at all, it's been how to find a healthy, adult way through toxic relationships and roles that were set up when I was a child. It's been painful and difficult but ultimately really helpful. I wonder if you might consider some support/counselling for yourself? Even without your mum's death, you are very much in danger of burning out.

Disengaging from your feelings when he says these hurtful things is hard. You can try the approach of thinking 'this is his guilt speaking and I will ignore'. You can rationalise "it's not true and I'm not accepting that criticism', You can accept your anger and think" I am allowed to be angry at him, but will choose to let it go & not respond". However it's much harder to actually do in the moment. It's grit teeth, breathe deeply, hold it in stuff with a focus on not responding emotionally in the moment. Really difficult when you are in your situation so do not feel bad if you find you just can't.

When he says things can you turn it back in him? So if he says things aren't clean can you say " what do you/be specific - what things are you not happy about and why". Then if he gives an example, "OK, what can we do about that? What are you suggesting is the solution?" Make him take some ownership.

I'd also pull him up on the comments when necessary " I don't agree with that [house is not dirty etc] and feel you are being unfair/ unreasonable/unsupportive". Can you be honest with hm and be clear "your comments that [insert whatever he says that bothers you] are hurtful and unfair and I need your help right now not your criticism". Let him see the impact of what he is saying, but I'd try to do it in a calm, factual way (not easy I know) so he doesn't just react to your emotional state, as that will just make him feel guiltier and so the cycle goes on.

By the way I do think some bereavement counselling wuld help, and yo could explore ways to address the future in terms of your father and not feelng guilty about having to use carers/a residential home as well. I agree with all the previous psters who have said you need to take care of yourself and avoid burnout.

Gosh so many helpful comments and insightful thoughts that have - coming from a dispassionate place of independence - given me some different perspectives. I can't thank you all enough for your time posting and thoughts.

Responding so some things that stood out for me

Why should he get away with coming over with his scathing criticism. He’s awful.
@Ourlady This helped me feel that actually I'm not unreasonable in being upset by this. I feel like my internal sense of self is really off at the moment. I feel very alone and inadequate. You know when you hear working mothers with children say things like they feel that they are failing at both their role at work and role as a mother. I feel like that about my whole life. I'm failing my dad, I'm failing myself, I'm failing the friends I've let drift, my work has gone to pot.

Like I said, telling him how I feel is no good because I know him and having tried before it just causes a row. He is very defensive, attacks me, says I will never accept I'm wrong, and then gets huffy and sulky. There's no point because as I said I can't face being estranged from him right now. Even with the miniscule help he offers me now that's miniscule help I need.

@Minimalme

You are in a situation where you have chosen to give up your life and build a new one around caring for your Dad.

Your brother doesn't want to do that, which is his right.

I think the burden of care is falling heavily on your shoulders and you understandably feel angry because your brother isn't taking 'his share' of the burden.

But he is free to make his choice, just as you have made yours.

This is much help. I think you have pinpointed something that I hadn't grasped and hadn't accepted. I think I feel like we had such a loving supportive family life as children and into adult hood that I cannot understand why he does not want to care for our father and does not want to help. I suppose I didn't see it as "his right" which I see now is fair but as an active but wrong choice and sign that he does not care about his parents or me. I need to work on accepting this but I guess in another way this is maybe at the core of what's upsetting me.

He's chosen to distance himself from his birth family and because of that after our mothers death he's lashing out for reasons why that was a justifiable choice. It wasn't at all but now he feels guilty because he's lost his mother and the chance to reconcile fully. Just as he chose not to be with her and spend time with her he's now doing the same with his father and finding reasons why that is ok.

@MaChienEstUnDick

That is so useful about family dynamics. I will look into bereavement counselling because I'm sure there is some deeper stuff going on here. I felt like it wasn't my problem because I'd always been very close and loving with both my parents even when I was working abroad we'd maintained a close bond. I see from what you say that my "role" itself maybe interconnecting with my brothers issues.

@Gerwurtztraminer - your first paragraph has a lot of good advice which I will try to embrace. When you say
yo could explore ways to address the future in terms of your father and not feelng guilty about having to use carers/a residential home as well.T

I hadn't thought about this being abnormal or something that I need help with but I think you might be right. I feel as if leaving him to the care of a stranger even for a short while is abandoning him when he needs me. In my head, I think of myself as a child and knowing he would never have abandoned me like that and think that I love him so much so wouldn't want to upset him. He is constantly checking I'm not leaving him which I think is partly related to his bereavement.

Honestly I can't thank you all enough for this help and advice. It so helpful to have independent opinions as I'm mired in grief and aloneness and caring responisiblities.