I think I want to leave my wife...

[deon203]

This may be a long post so I apologise...

I think I want to leave my wife. There I've said it. Been together for 11 years (I'm 34) and have a daughter who is 5. When my wife & I met we were both massively overweight and going through weight loss surgery. Things weren't awful back then. We had weight loss in common and it worked well. After the birth of our daughter, things took a spiral. We were both losing large amounts of weight. I was doing this for my health & to be able to experience new things in life. I have a very good job, earning well & was generally happy as I've always craved that family life and being able to provide.
My wife started going on social media and gaining a decent following related to her weight loss. Over the past 4 years I feel she has just got lost into this world. For years I have asked for help with the general housework and tidying, but to no avail. She will help out the first week after saying I need support but then falls back into her old ways. She's also never home. Most evenings are spent at the gym or exercises classes, or going out with her new 'insta' friends. I want her to be happy and experience life, but I feel that she wants to go out and show off and never asks to do anything with me. I have felt like a doormat and just her convenient 'childcare'. My daughter is the best thing that has happened to me and this is what is making the decision so hard. Most weekends are now just my & daughter and I anyway but I worry what will happen if we were to split as I work shift work and my hours can be all over the place.
The past 6 months have been especially hard...I have got to quite a low place and currently on a low dose of anti-depressants. I spoke to my wife about this recently and how I want to make this work, spend more time together, but I desperately need more support around the house (for the record I do absolutely everything) despite working full time and her part time. She said she was understanding, however that same weekend she made plans to go and see friends and once again it was my daughter & I at home all day. There has also been some suspicious behaviour recently, new codes on her phone, always up late at night messaging (she says this is all weight-loss) and just generally being cagey about where she is off to. I have never suspected her of cheating, and deep down I don't think she is, but I do know she loves the attention which she is getting loads of now as she looks great. I always tell her how attractive she is to me and make her feel special. In the past I've planned trips abroad for her birthdays and trips to nice restaurants.
3 years ago I actually out right asked her if she wanted to be in this marriage anymore as I could feel she was massively disconnected. She said she did and loved me and didn't want to leave. I wonder though if it's just her loving the life I provide her rather than loving me.
I feel now I'm at a point where I feel exacerbated and it's with sadness I say it, but I'm no longer in love with her. I have no idea if we can come back from this. I have no idea how to even start the process of leaving, but I have a feeling it will be like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders...any advice?

She sounds self absorbed and I can see why you are unhappy. You need to have a direct conversation with her and tell her you can no longer stay in this one sided marriage. She hasn't taken you seriously before but she needs to now. You can't go on like this with deteriorating mental health as a result of an unhappy marriage. It just sounds very lonely

I'm so sorry to read this, it sounds really tough and in many ways I sympathise. But you expressed it yourself that you think a weight will be lifted off your shoulders. That sounds like you know it's over and delaying things won't help. I wish you all the best.

So sorry you're going through this.
She is lost to social media and unfortunately its just how social media almost preys on those who have confidence issues.
She has found a new lease of life there and it sounds very much like your relationship has already ended.
Her not wanting to spend any free time with you, date nights together etc, is massively telling that she's checked out.
I think you need to be open and honest and say you're unhappy and that if things don't change you will leave.
Thing is tho, it sounds like things won't change.
Splitting can be hard but look into options for childcare/wraparound care.
Enjoy your time with your DD.

If it helps, my exDH checked out when we had our dd. Not for same reasons, he just viewed me as mother of his child and bo longer made me feel like his wife.
We had zero intimacy, no sex from when I feel pregnant to when we split when dd was 1, and he never ever wanted to spend alone time with me as a couple.
So I said I was unhappy, and I realised that I'd actually fallen out of love and didn't have that spark anymore after nearly a year of just wanting so desperately to have even an hour together without dd let alone a date night. And it proved that he too just didn't feel that way about me any more. Otherwise he'd want to actually spend time with me every time I begged right?

Have a look at what support you can access and what kind of arrangement you can have with her for having dd.

And good luck

This sounds awful, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You would very clearly be much happier, and better off without her.

I know it's incredibly difficult when a child is involved, but what else can you do? It sounds like you've tried everything. It's time to move on.

Perhaps the reality of you telling her you're done will kick her into action and make her realise what she's losing, and perhaps you'll be willing to try again, but for your sake I kind of hope not.. You deserve better.