Narcissim - Mother and Sister

[iltdu]

Where to start a middle aged mother and wife still struggling with my relationship with my 70year old mother and younger sister. Fast forward years of not knowing what really was the problem to realise after lots of help that my mother is a narcissist and I have the pleasure of being the scapegoat and my sister the golden child. Both equally wonderful accolades to behold.
With lots and lots of support from my own family I have tried in the past few years not engage emotionally with either as I am constantly told all the things that are wrong with me but more recently I am finding it very difficult to really break free from the hurt and emotion. Everytime I try to just get on with my own life and still be kind and mannerly when I meet or engage with them, a clanger will be thrown at me and I find I am back at square one. Nervous, not myself around them, always thinking its my fault and walking on egg shells around them. I find myself trying to ensure they are ok and then I will be. It makes absolute no sense when I hear myself saying these things but it’s the reality. My own children are teenagers now and have noted to me that I am constantly craving their love and don’t see the love around me from the people who care. In fact being brutally honest my reaction and mood have been hugely influenced by these relationships. I need to really step away in my head not just physically.

My mother has hurt me in so many ways. My sister too but in some ways I don’t blame her for some of her behaviour as she is the golden child with my Mother and that I am sure has brought its own issues.
I suppose in an ideal world I would have a wonderful relationship with my mother and sister. I have wanted to try and have a better relationship with my sister but every time I reach out its rejected in some ways and I feel I am the one who is always trying to keep the relationship going. Its never reciprocated. My family keep telling me to stop engaging with her and if she wanted a relationship she would engage and make it easy for me. The same too with my mother, I am always the one visiting, ringing, engaging and its never reciprocated.

I have tried I trully have but its time to really back away and concentrate on my own family. Which I REALLY want too.

At this stage I really feel I need to speak to a professional because my head is telling me all the things I need to change and do but my heart is really broken that my sister and mother have a much better relationship together than I have with either of them.

Any practical suggestions would be welcome! Thanks.

Sorry you have experienced this, it is really quite damaging mentally. Seeing a counsellor/ therapist will help immensely plus also going no contact with both of them. You won't even begin to heal if they are still prominent in your life. Good luck with it all.

Is it real though? their relationship? Or does your sister obligingly play the part your mother wrote for her.

I am in similar shoes, less angry with golden child brother because it wasn't his responsibility to parent me, but still, if mum and dad wouldn't listen to him, I'd have used whatever 'power' I had to make them just hear him out once. He hasn't done that for me. He buckles in to the regime and is ultimately just irritated that I won't do the same.

I bit the bullet and had the therapy 2020 for about 18 months. Probably could do with more but it was expensive.

I'm the scapegoat and the kind of relationship they want is superficial. Talk about the weather, the garden, their last holiday, whatever we're eating.

If you try to connect it makes my mother very angry. The superficiality and part-playing might be tolerable if that's all it was but there's also this projection on to me, gone on for decades, that I'm ''emotional'' and ''sensitive'' and ''paranoid'' I know obviously (especially after the therapy) that I'm not. They did trigger me with their superficiality and their projections though.

I'm staying away right now. They're angry with me! They're the victims of me! They've smeared me left right and centre. But some of my relatives were a bit kiss up / kick down, or a bit judgemental and on my mum's side of the family the dominant characters were all bluster and the others seemed to just look up to that. I find it annoying, the lack of depth. It's just all so pointless.

So after initially feeling that to lose my family was a huge loss, I have it in perspective now.

Try NLP.

imagine your mother and sister in ridiculous scenarios:: covered in yellow paint and glitter, the size of a hamster, scurrying around collecting teaspoons. Something like that. Imagine they’re in a shoebox and you’re looking down on them. Now speed it up so they are zooming around the shoebox. Anything is fine, have fun and laugh at the scenarios.

This will help your mindset. They won’t change so you might as well change how you view them.

You're yearning for authentic connection. This is good because it shows a level of depth that will bring a richness to your relationships. Some people don't have or even want this depth and richness usually because of trauma. Trying to connect with people who don't want authenticity is painful and they can often react abusively when pushing back. Build on your existing healthy relationships with others and yourself. As you come to a deeper understanding of the reality your peace with the situation will grow.

OP, narcissists are incapable of change. They cannot consider anyone’s feelings except their own.
You need to accept that your mother will never be a normal loving parent to you, however much you try to appease, please or indulge her, or however many eggshells you walk on.
The only way to deal with her is to go completely no contact. Grieve for the normal relationship and mother that you never had, and walk away from this horribly destructive woman.
I would strongly recommend that you see a therapist or counsellor, to work through the process of grieving and separation, and to undo the damage that has been inflicted on your self esteem for decades.
You will emerge from the process strengthened, confident, and with the ability to enjoy healthy loving relationships with your own adult children. Good luck!

I think the advice above is good: a narcissist never changes, never thinks there is anything wrong with their behaviour and will always continue to blame/criticise you even if you try as hard as you possibly can to please them...

The only thing to do is concentrate on yourself and your relationship with your own family (husband/kids) and stop expecting any kind of validation or appreciation from the narcissists in your life.

I would suggest counselling to try to get to a point where you no longer worry about what your mother and sister say or think of you.

If they only bring negativity to your life, limit your contact with them to the minimum and make it clear you are no longer putting up with any negativity.

Cut them off and get on with your life.

I have been nc with such a dm for 20 years. Stop being kind and mannerly...
Start grieving for the dm and dsis you wish you had.
Allow a week of mourning.
Then make fun plans for the ones who do love you.
Seriously it can be done.

Go low contact . Do not let them see they upset you and it's need to know only when it comes to your life .

You need to accept you won't change them, can't change them, nothing you do will ever be enough to change them - and that's on them, not you. Narcissistic parents are incapable of loving their children in the way parents without personality disorders love their children. Sadly, your sister is now incapable of authentic love too it sounds.

This sounds harsh, but you need to lose your hope - there is no hope for redemption with NPD. It will never, ever be want you want, no matter how kind or mannerly you are! Accept this, get therapy to build your self esteem and process what has happened to you (make sure it's a therapist who truly understands NPD, the book "The Narcissist in Your Life" is also an excellent place to start some self-help) and then set yourself clear boundaries with reduced (or if necessary, no) contact. It's difficult at first, but I promise you will get to a healthier and happier place in time, where their drama, selfishness and never-ending need to manipulate, denigrate and exert their power over you will no longer upset your life or blindside you. Sending you strength x

A huge thank you to all of you who took the time to post. I actually felt upbeat reading them. Firstly knowing I wasn't nuts and that people do understand the relationships and secondly the advise given all makes so much sense. Thank you. I have to move on and realise that I won't change anyone only myself. Plus I do not want the next 30 odd years - spent with them as a focus in my head. The hardest thing now for me is to not feel guilty about reducing my engagements and to literally keep my subject matter "on the surface". As history has taught me, subject areas about myself and my family have never been of interest or asked about . All about me syndromes. It really resonated with me when C0mfyChairP0se noted about being called emotional sensitive etc. I am constantly been told, "Now don't be so sensitive and the latest one is " I don't want you to worry now as I know your highly sensitive and emotional but.......... and then I may be told something about my mother by my sister or my mother telling me something I shouldn't worry about re. my sister". Always the drama and the game of me not being included in whatever is going on and them knowing that. It really is time to move on and no one now to blame but myself I have to change and be seen to change for my own lovely family. Thank you so much again. Take care all. P.S. I rang my GP surgery this afternoon for an appointment with the aim of speaking to her to get some good recommendations re. counsellor and definitely want someone who knows about NPD. Thanks again!

They sound like school - girl bullies op.
You wouldn't keep trying to hang out with those would you?
Maybe a short sharp Fuck Off will make them stfu.